Attempts

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

"In a time of darkness and greed, it is your light that we need. You came to teach us how to live. Muhammad, ya Rasul Allah. You were so caring and kind. Your soul was full of light. You are the best of mankind. Muhammad, khayru khalqi Allah. Sallu 'ala Rasuli Allah, Habibi-l Mustafa. Peace be upon the Messenger, the Chosen One. From luxury you turned away, and all night you would pray. Truthful in every word you say. Muhammad, ya Rasul Allah."
Maher Zain - The Chosen One - Al Mukhtar

Last winter, I was offered a good job at the same time that an opportunity presented itself for me to study Arabic overseas for about three months. As per my usual practice, I consulted my family and attempted, with little success, to consult a couple of other respectful souls whose opinion I value. Suffice to say, after much strife, I turned down the job. Some may call me a fool for doing so. Though penniless, I don't regret it.

Those who know me could well expect that I would want to extend my trip to longer than three months. My return ticket was booked for this December, but Allah's plan has already come to pass. Perhaps accepting the job was a good idea because I couldn't afford the fees that were quoted for private study. The tentative plan was to study for three more months privately and then to find a school to enroll in. None occurred. Though it was a seemingly quick decision for me to return home, it was a sad day for me. Its memory remains as such, but it too cannot be regretted.

Interestingly, one day while at school, after greeting one of the directors (if I can call him that) at the Arabic institute, he asked me if I was happy."Do you want the honest answer?" I asked. He did. I told him I wasn't. But happiness has never been my goal. It's not a thing of this world.

I turn 30 this year, inshaAllah, marking 30 years of life lived. While this blog stands testimony to my efforts to define my world and to check myself, I'm still lost in the darkness of my nafs. It's an ugly place to be. I have no way out of it except by His mercy. Allahumma irhamna... irhmana ya Kareem.

I'm changing my ways, tweaking them where I can, as best as I can. Minuscule attempts, but attempts nonetheless. I'm changing up my approach. I'm taking the time to breathe freely. But I don't trust my steps. Atawakkalu 'ala Allah. Perhaps I'm falling into the worst of my errors in the name of an attempt. But I'm not interested in playing the game of life. Most will fault me for it, but I won't try to explain myself. None know what's in my heart. I prefer to get to the point, and while that definitely requires going through the motions of life, it can never be trivialized. In all my attempts, at least I can say the errors are my own. When they fall upon my face, it will be for me to deal with alone.

Allahumma ihdina....ya Rabb Al 'alameen...
****
There are no words for this...

U7ibuhum fi Allah. Allahumma ihdina faghfir lana. Allahumma farij 'ala al muslimeena wa al muslimaat fi kulli makaan. Ameen.


The speech of the grand mufti of Syria at his son Sarya's funeral.

Strangers

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

None are familiar and none have the potential to be more than strangers. What can we say of another? This and that, the trivial and frivolous. Favourite this or that, inclined to and repulsed by. All ineffectual details that make the mundane, the every day, seem more familiar, more controlled, more owned. Deeply buried is the heart in random details. Can its flavour ever be shared?

Of utmost importance is how little we know of our own selves. Occasional discoveries are made from time to time on our own. Sometimes we embrace the boxes that others put us in, other times we reject them, and yet other times we respond with indifference. The box of another's musings need not our attention when the framing of our own introspective attempts are obscure and distant.

Who are you?

Really, who are you?

From dust to dust, what is there to boast about in between? What is worth claiming in the short interval of our worldly sojourn? We are all strangers to each other and more severely to ourselves. There are none to diagnose this vagueness, and perhaps that's the point entirely.

For what can a stranger be praised? Nothing. A random act of friendliness or kindness is praised, but the stranger himself is not, in essence. We, too, have nothing in ourselves worth crediting because we can't know that what we find in ourselves is truly from us and truly a part of us. But we can know, and must know, that what we find in ourselves and around us is by Allah's will, grace, and generosity.

Our strangeness points directly to Allah's sole existence. Only does He truly exist. That is to say, only is His existence worthy while ours is entirely dependent on Him. Only He has definite characteristics. Only He is without need, and only He can be praised. And really, only by Him can we know, in truth, who we are and what purpose our beings serve.

We are foremost heedless of our covenant. بلى Distracted by pointless information, we miss the very point of our existence.

May we be guided to renew this covenant in mind, body, and spirit. May our actions, thoughts, and words be adorned with sincerity and humility, and may they be proof of our servitude. Ameen.

اللهم إنا نسألك رضاك والجنة، ونعوذ بك من سخطك والنار
آمين
****

Imam Ahmad narrated from Anas bin Malik who narrated from the Prophet صلى الله عليه و سلم, saying:

يُقَالُ لِلرَّجُلِ مِنْ أَهْلِ النَّارٍ يَوْمَ القِيَامَةِ: أ رَأيْتَ لَوْ كَانَ لَكَ مَا عَلَى الأرْضِ مِنْ شَيْءٍ أ كُنْتَ مُفْتَدِيًا بِهِ؟ قَالَ: فَيَقُولُ: نَعَمْ، فَيَقُولُ: قَدْ أرَدْتُ مِنْكَ مَا هُوَ أهْوَنَ مِنْ ذَلِكَ، قَدْ أخَذتُ عَلَيْكَ فِي ظَهْر آدَمَ ألَّا تُشْركَ بِي شَيْئاً فَأبَيْتَ إِلَّا أنْ تُشْركَ بِي

It will be said to a person from the People of Hell on the Day of Judgement: "If you had all that is on the earth, would you have ransomed yourself by it (from what you are in)? He will answer "Yes." Allah will say, "I had wanted from you something less than that. I took the covenant when you were in the loin of Adam, that you should not associate with Me anything. However, you persisted in joining associates with Me."

[Al Bukhari 334 and Ahmad 3/127]

Breadcrumbs

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

It's late, and I should be sleeping. I have been been coughing severely for a few days with lingering signs of illness. A concoction of oregano and thyme seeped in hot water encouraged me to leave my attempts at slumber. I detest the flavour of the beverage, but it is a means through which Allah may grant shifa.

Be warned, my speech henceforth will seem all the more misplaced, but there is a moment I must attempt to capture in words.

****

It is not in words nor on paper. It is not in experiences or encounters. It is like sweet honey that can only be retrieved from bees that frequent desert vegetation. The mirage is as easily accessible as ‹‹كُن فَيَكُونُ›› and as difficultly removed as ‹‹وَخُلِقَ الْإِنْسَانُ ضَعِيفًا››.

For the one hoping for a share, it's worth remembering ‹‹قَالَ كَذَلِكَ اللَّهُ يَفْعَلُ مَا يَشَاءُ ››.

What a dreadful state it is to find oneself in internal opposition to His will. Perhaps it is not opposition to His will, but wondering if His will coincides with one's own and where the two meet or at which point one must change it to be like His.

Does everyone leave a trail of breadcrumbs? If so, what becomes of them? Are there any who eventually find the trail and join it? If not, should one bother with the trail?

Feb 14, 2012
11:41 PM - Agdal, Rabat

*So many months later, I no longer have any idea what breadcrumbs is referencing, but perhaps in years to come I'll give it a new interpretation, inshaAllah. Now I know how readers feel when or if they read this blog.

Problem Solving

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

"Keeping in touch is the simplest token of love." - Sara B.

Problem:
With two equal values, how do we get to The One?
1 ☐ 1 = 1

I over-think things sometimes. I can't help myself because if things are not right, then they must be wrong. And if they're wrong, then there has to be a reason. In the case of relationships, I potentially carry half the responsibility for the errors. Thus, I need to figure out my role in sorting things out. That sounds easy enough on paper, but it never really works that way for me in reality.

Relationships, regardless their type, increase in complexity alongside an increase in intensity until they eventually (or rarely) hit a plateau of mutual understanding, shared conflict resolution, and a commitment to sincerely care. For me, a friendship, by definition, means mutual care. An overly simplistic and naive thought perhaps.

I've been trying to make sense of balancing friendships and really all relationships in my life for most of the last year, and I think now, as sleep mocks me, I have some insight into it. Simply, perhaps it requires that I figure out how to maintain a sincere distance. By that, I mean to possess a sincere concern for another while having enough of an emotional distance to not expect the same in return. This is quite the challenge because relationships, by design, are two way streets.

While I speak of friendships, I must acknowledge that I have failed others in the meaning of a true friend as much as others have disappointed me in my expectations of our supposed shared friendship. Nonetheless, when I consider relationships, I often recall a tidbit of wisdom that a sister once shared with me. I think it comes from the likes of Imam Al Ghazali, but I could be entirely mistaken. It is said that if you ask someone "Kayfa haaluk?" or in everyday English, "How are you?" and he expresses distress or is having trouble with anything, then the questioner is obliged to help (to the best of his ability). Why? Well, what's the point in asking the question if you don't care for a truthful answer? And if the truthful answer is one of distress, then doesn't one's humanity oblige one to care enough to try to help remove that distress? Really, it's something to think about. I think this entire idea is filled with treasures that are useful in understanding sincerity and the beauty of relationships.

Relationships are a place for giving, not getting. While a mutual concern would be a beautiful thing, it is a high expectation that I think is misplaced in some ways. Why? Because Allah is He who gives. When we serve His creations, it is in service of Him. When we receive from His creations, it is a gift from Him. This has nothing to do with individuals, but only has to do with Him.

Broken hearts need only be repaired with the glue of iman. As for the rest, consider it water under the bridge. Life is too short to expect others to be what we cannot be even for our own selves.

Solution:
1 - 1 = 0 ✗
1 ÷ 1 = 1 ✓

1 + 1 = 2 ✗
1 x 1 = 1 ✓

∴ To reach The One when dealing with two souls, each weighing the same in the eyes of man, multiply the good and divide your love for His sake. Addition and subtraction are futile.

"This isn't about me and never has been. It's about Allah, and nothing else."
- A voice of wisdom



Maher Zain - Number One For Me

****

Update:
This needed a home, so I guess it's going here.

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

When that door was open, I had every indication that it was a threshold of value, a friendship that was beyond superficial political correctness, one that enjoyed good, discouraged thoughts of weakness and error, and turned away the threat of poison amid a sweet spring. Surpassing all, its words called to excellence with an air of respect, humility, and gratitude. I miss it a lot.

Feb. 16, 2012

Do we...?

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

We take it for granted, that we do.That we can smile or blink. That we can run or cry. That we can chew or jog on the spot. That we can read a word, both forwards and backwards. That we can contemplate and evaluate. That we can congratulate and regret. That we can bow and prostrate and stand with complete stillness and attention. Yes, we take it for granted. That we do.

This course of life is change. We hope that the change will mean improvements as moments fold one into the next - days turn quickly into weeks, months, and years. Sand in the time glass seems determined. For many, however, life does not always bear improvements. Logic suggests then that it is a waste, but I have to see that even utter failures are tools or lessons that can eventually force a wrong turn to move the right way.

I don't search for some of my wrongs as enough are blatantly obvious, but perhaps I dwell on the worthless symptoms while missing the root causes entirely. Some diagnoses are much too heavy to acknowledge inwardly, nonetheless, a window should at least remain open should one hope for their existences to be realized.

This moment, though brief, can and should at least be an expression of gratitude. It is only the beginning, but perhaps it will eventually lead to servitude.

اللهم اجعلنا من الشاكرين و من الطاهرين و من عبادك الصالحين، آمين

Selfless Anger

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

This afternoon, my almost-9-year-old nephew was quite predictably the last to finish his meal. As he chased the spaghetti and meatballs around his plate with a pair of chopsticks, I asked him how he responds to anger. In response to my hypothetical scenarios, he said,

"I would do everything the same except I wouldn't be as happy."

يا الله
لك كل الحمد و لك كل الشكر
اللهم اِغفر لنا و اِجعلنا و أولادنا و أحبابنا من الصالحين
و اِهدنا الصراط المستقيم
آمين

Footprints

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Sometimes we are all alone - even in the midst of loved ones, even at the feet of our teachers. Sometimes there is no ear that will understand the ways of the heart. Sometimes we have to be alone. Sometimes we must feel alone. How then will we remember that eventually these claims we make of companionship in this world will vanish? The moment the horn is blown and we are summoned to stand before our Lord we will know that we cannot hide behind the weaknesses and errors of others. We will stand alone to face what we reaped on this earth for ourselves.

And yet we seek companionship. We seek understanding. We seek the advice of those we trust and love. We love because it makes us better people. We sleep better at night knowing that our hearts are concerned about the well-being of other than ourselves. We were not created to live alone.

We came alone. And although we journey with millions, at some point we must know that our journey with them is fleeting and again we will be alone.

I hear the rumble of thunder, and I anticipate glorious rain. It washes and nourishes this earth with such brave elegance, forthright and beautiful. Likewise, there is a rumble deep within us that calls us to a glorious existence, in coexistence and cooperation, not isolation. To live and to serve. To quench the earth and to leave footprints of strength. Faces will be etched with weaknesses, but as long as the feet keep treading, the footprints will be of strength, inshaAllah.

I may not rise to meet the next day, so let these few lessons be articulated now.

For those looking to get married, you have to challenge what it is that you want to marry for and what you seek in a spouse. Yes, I know the textbook answers. I know the ideals that society calls to. I know the feelings that write the lines of the script, but they must be challenged until you find truth in them. Challenge them before they lead you to error. It is one of the most important decisions of one's life, let it not be made in the face of deception. Let it not be made with the mask of superficiality. Let there be depth in our choices of companionship.

The only reasonable expectation of "compatibility" is the direction that you're travelling in. The goal must be the same, not the minor details. I'm afraid that I'm being more ambiguous than I intended, but I suppose this lesson manifests itself to everyone in its own time and its own way.

Be true to your origin, your journey, and your return - words that are all too easy to say but not so easy to live.

الله كريم و هو الذي يعرف حاجاتنا. هو الذي يهدينا و نسأله الهداية و الصحبة في الطريق إليه. لا نعلم يا رب إلا ما تُعلمنا فعلمنا و انفعنا بما علمتنا، آمين

ربي زدني علما

Half Full

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

I have been wanting and even attempting to write something decent and sensible for quite some time. For better or worse, I've been unable to lend words to my thoughts. Given that I'm not a person of too many spoken words, it has been a time of contemplative silence.

Alhamdu lillah wa ash-shukr lillah, I returned home a few weeks ago after almost four months of another attempt to make some advances in Arabic. I hardly consider the fruits of my trip much progress given that I'm more challenged in the language than a grade one student. In fact, I could almost call it a failure, but it definitely was an experience of personal growth. Three things became apparent to me in my life. The first is that I really missed not having interactions with children. The second is that companionship is invaluable. And lastly, I learned that in my almost 30 years of life I've achieved nothing.

My grandmother returned to her Lord during this time, الله يرحمها و جميع المسلمين و المسلمات آمين and it was another opportunity to pause and consider what it is that I want from life and how I'm attempting to achieve my goals. I don't think I have been at peace with myself since my return home from Yemen about four years ago. But now, with the acceptance that those things that I hope for myself are things that I am not capable of achieving, I realize that I will only do what Allah allows me to do. I will only have what He favours me with. My peace is not in achieving or even articulating beautiful goals, but it is in reminding myself that I live for the moment when I will stand before my Lord. I will stand before Him impoverished, but inshaAllah with the hope of His good pleasure. I don't belong anywhere except where He places me.

I felt a strangeness in new lands despite that I now miss aspects of it, and likewise the strangeness continues here at home despite having missed some things when I was away. Every situation requires sacrifices and yet it also offers a unique treasure. It really is up to the individual to recognize those treasures and their source - The Source.

I have no plans ahead of me except to live one day at a time. Perhaps I'm now digesting my understanding of the ideals that I've often articulated on this blog but that I've neglected in practice. Nothing is really as it seems on the surface. There is no "other side;" but if you think you're there, you'll see that it is not greener. There is only now to live and serve, to be and to be better. There is no perfection. There is no ideal. There is no forever in that which meets the eye.

I ask for your du'as for me, my loved ones, and this entire world. Be strong. Allah, Most Glorified is He, will be for us as we hope.
حسبنا الله و نعم الوكيل

A Constant Reminder

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Loneliness is not a part of who we are, nor can it be a part of who will be. A most spectacular phenomenon of the heart is that it doesn't forget who or what it loves. When I see my watch, I remember my brother who gifted it to me. When I put on my shoes each day, I remember my sister from whom I took them. When I open my pencil case, I remember my other sister who gave it to me. When I see the simple ring I now wear, I remember my friends on the mountain top who gave it to me on Eid. When I brush my teeth, I remember my aunt who gave me the toothbrush when I forgot mine during a visit. As for my parents, every experience is connected to them.

اللهم بارك لأحبابي و جميع المسلمين و زدهم في كل الخير، آمين

But these connections don't require tangible reminders. Other claims to my heart are manifested in random smiles as I recall some interaction, be it insightful or some regrettable words that only exemplified my foolishness.

These thoughts beg the question then, upon each breath, who must be remembered? With each tear, who is my heart connected to? For each moment of peace, where do I turn my attention? Only One is worthy of such, most glorified and praised is He, He who gives us everything without exception.

No matter how far we go from Him and what He desires of us, we still find Him close. His name falls easily upon our lips, moving our hearts and ennobling our beings. Every breath hopes to be the one to carry the reminder of His majesty and transcendence. Such an honour it is, and yet it is bestowed on even the vilest of individuals.

As time moves on and everything is forced to change, we know that there is always a Constant in our lives. May Allah, the Almighty, draw us closer to Him, and may He make us among those whom He is pleased with, ameen thumma ameen.

Courage

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

How do you know if this love that you claim to have is really a part of you?

Has it been tested? How do you know if it's true? Is its return conditional? Or does it suffice to remain only inside of you?

Is love the thing that inspires change? Is it at the root of longing and hope? Does it beg for loyalty and defy the signs of impossibility?

Is love a thing that must be shared? Will it last in seclusion?
How do you know if the love that you claim to have is sincere? How do you know that it is true?

Sometimes I want to know.

Most times I'm too afraid of the answer that I never ask the question.

Dec. 13, 2011

Perchance

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

While I remember emotional and psychological reactions to people in my dealings, I am notorious for not remembering names. One such sister was referred to as "Khala Chibbies" or something to that effect. She used to make fries (or chips as the British might say) at the girls' boarding school that I visited a few years ago.

One late afternoon when a couple of my housemates stood in line in front of me waiting to purchase some fries, one of the girls - a native English speaker around 18 years old - decided to whine about the wait. And that she did. I listened to her for a while, just as I had done on a few previous occasions, before I finally suggested that she not address the khala in such a way. What really impressed me, however, was the blank reaction from the khala. She neither frowned at the girl's rude behaviour nor did she verbally respond. She simply attended to her work in what appeared to be peaceful silence.

During one of our chit-chats, I learned that this khala's day started early in the morning. She had to take a long walk to get to the school to make fries for hours because that was a necessary source of income for her. If my memory serves me correctly, her husband had passed away. Allahu yarhamuhum wa yubariku lahunna, ameen. She would carry large buckets, by herself, filled with potatoes from the kitchen, sometimes putting one bucket on her head while carrying the other in her hand. I once offered my help, but she refused me with a smile. Perhaps it would have been more difficult for her to watch me trying to carry the burdensome load than to carry it herself. May Allah bless her and all the others working hard for His sake, ameen.

There were other "khalas" that would frequent the school each day to sell a variety of random items including henna, jewelry, snacks, stockings, and a lot of other stuff that I cannot recall. I wondered about their stories, but my interactions with them were severely limited due my weakness in Arabic and my absolute ignorance of the local colloquial dialect.

I wonder to what extent women work in such countries out of necessity compared to those who work for the sake of indulging their interests or time. My family is what some might call "traditional" in that my sisters and I weren't raised with the idea that we need to have a profession nor do we need to work except if conditions made it necessary. Alhamdulillah wa ash shukr lillah 'ala kulli haal. Rizq is from Allah. My parents, however, always encouraged us to learn and to strive to do good. I'm grateful for this because I hope to never find myself working for the sake of earning alone.

While I recognize that I'm saying this with a sturdy roof over my head, a filled stomach, good clothing, and more luxuries than most people in world would even think of, I hope that if I ever find my circumstances changed, I will remember that Allah is Ar Razzaq, the Sustainer and the Provider. I hope to never find myself dependent on my efforts for my needs, but rather that I depend on Him entirely - most Glorified is He.

As I face the idea of entering a short-term commitment, I remind myself to be grateful. It doesn't matter where my heart is when Allah is the One who governs my affairs. Ideally, my heart should be in complete submission to His will.

My hope is that I can enter into that which He facilitates with the right intentions and to behave in a way which is most pleasing to Him. For this reason, I'm especially looking forward to the upcoming opportunity, inshaAllah, to sit at the feet of our teachers. Perchance I may take something of their wisdom and knowledge. Perchance I will be able to gain clarity in my life and rectify my actions before my death.

InshaAllah wa ameen.

اللهم افتح علينا و تقبل منا إنك السميع العليم العظيم... آمين

لا أستطيع

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

I dabbled with my pen
To lend a voice to my heart
It bled a brilliant colour
And I knew not where to start

But words found their places
As sincerity took the lead
Guiding a heartfelt initiative
Cradling a promised seed

I regret not a moment passed
For all must be will definitely be
But I wonder about the invite
That repeatedly calls to me

Never can I forget
The strength of truth's hold
An everlasting union
Beyond jewels and glittered gold

For the weakness I blame my nafs
As it fails to disengage a heart
Feeding an old thirst
Unrest will play its part

The target I expect to miss
But I'll cheapen not a single shot
Hardship is an expected bit
As truth, my friend, can never ever be bought

Smile...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

يا أبا عمير...ما فعل النغير؟
Ya Aba 'Umayr, ma fa3al al-nughayr?
O Abu Umayr, what did the the nughayr [a small bird] do?
الف الصلاة و السلام عليك يا حبيب الله
I don't need to close my eyes to see it. I still see it. Although having missed the chance to return it in the flesh, the world of the arwaah has since opened enough opportunities to compensate the shortfall. When slumber faces the world, indulgences are endless.

If I placed my heart upon a glass tabletop, what would I find? Its colour will likely be charred with perhaps only a single drop of brilliant red colouring. It'll have random scuff marks and boast an arrhythmia. Hard to the touch, it would be a thing of great wonderment. I'd cradle it in my palms while searching for a well-known, hidden portion of sponginess. With no more than gentle pressure, I would gently remove the portion, in its entirety, and place its remnants on a mattress of sterile cotton. Then I would caress the blackened clump hoping to ease the pain of its tiny though substantial loss.

This certainly sounds like a cruel way to return a smile.

I wonder about the interaction between a little boy and our beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him. The demise of the boy's bird was cause for the boy's sadness. The Prophet, salla Allahu 'alayhi wa salam, cheered him up by saying: "O Abu Umayr, what did the small bird do?"

I would love to hear the wise insights that have been gleaned from this one sentence. Superficially, one might comment on the act of a busy man attending to a child in his moments of sadness. But wisdom is not in doing what is unexpected, rather it is in doing that which is rarely thought of and even less frequently acted upon.

أين أنت في حياتِنا يا حبيب الله؟

I wonder about the wisdom encompassed in a shared smile. Sharing things of beauty are not negligible experiences. For whom do we reserve our smiles? Are we so tremendously lacking in our appreciation of our circumstances and so self-involved that we keep this heart-moving curve of the lips and twinkle of the eyes to ourselves?

I'm hardly suggesting a charged movement to pasted smiles and heartless gestures. Rather, I wonder at sharing the treasure of actions that springs forth from the sincerity in our hearts. In voicelessness, a pure smile can say we care. How profound it is to not only share it but to also inspire it. A beautiful gift indeed.

Ask Earnestly

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

يَـٰٓأَيُّہَا ٱلنَّاسُ أَنتُمُ ٱلۡفُقَرَآءُ إِلَى ٱللهِۖ وَٱللهُ هُوَ ٱلۡغَنِىُّ ٱلۡحَمِيدُ
١٥:فاطر

O mankind! Ye are the poor in your relation to Allah. And Allah! He is the Absolute, the Owner of Praise.
Faatir:15
The blessed first ten days of Dhul Hijjah have passed, but not without leaving an imprint. It is in this month - especially so when the pilgrims are adorned in the apparel of the deceased - that it is evermore obvious how impoverished we are before our Lord. Although entirely dependent on Him, we fail to readily acknowledge our lack of influence in meeting our elementary needs let alone anything else. Sure enough another reminder has come, and it is up to us to act on it.

I have been remembering my dreams quite vividly of late. A few days ago I savoured one throughout the day, but this morning was quite the contrary. It was one in which I was sure that the wrath of Allah was upon me and thus I found myself making istighfaar. If my destruction was ordained, then my delayed istighfaar would likely have been in vain as was the case with nations that only sought refuge in their Lord after bearing witness to the punishment that they were promised for their lies and evil ways. I woke up too soon to find out the reality of my situation, but my accelerated heart rate was a reminder that dreams are sometimes a thing to consider.

Some of us may have not seized the gifts that these last ten days offered. Perhaps we even neglected to take our share of the bounties that were showered upon this world in Ramadhan. Nonetheless, we must know that we have until our deaths before all hope for reform is lost. The challenge, obviously, is that the timings of our deaths are unknown and our lives are in vain and utterly pathetic when they are void of beseeching our Lord's mercy and continuously turning to Him.

If we reflect on our lives, we will note that He gives us whatever it is that we sincerely seek. Eventually, in some form or another, He grants us those desires. So why do we not hope for the desire of being close to Him? Why do we not hope to worship Him and praise Him as is most appropriate for our existence? To acknowledge our lowliness before Him is to understand the signs of His unfathomable greatness that are constantly before us.

Simply speaking, we need to find sincerity in our hearts and ask. He gives us every excuse for His mercy, undeserving as we may be, and He gives us every opportunity to draw close. But we need to ask of Him, and we need to strive in His way.

The companions of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, would ask Allah for every single need. They would even ask Allah for salt that might be within arm's reach. Why? Because they knew that everything, without exception, is from Him, and He is the only provider. Unlike many of us, they did not put their hopes in the means, but they took solace in the Source. Allah. La ilaaha illa Hu.

When you ask of anything, ask Him. No specific day is is the best day to turn to Allah and seek His forgiveness and good pleasure, though some days and times (like tahajjud) support such beautiful endeavours.

As the sacred month of Dhul Hijjah continues, intend to make aright the wrongs in your life and heart, and let gratitude be your adornment before death becomes your companion.

وَإِذَا سَأَلَكَ عِبَادِى عَنِّى فَإِنِّى قَرِيبٌ‌ۖ أُجِيبُ دَعۡوَةَ ٱلدَّاعِ إِذَا دَعَانِ‌ۖ فَلۡيَسۡتَجِيبُواْ لِى وَلۡيُؤۡمِنُواْ بِى لَعَلَّهُمۡ يَرۡشُدُونَ
١٨٦:البقرة

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the supplicant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright.
Al Baqara:186

Updated 28/11/11

I'm hesitant in sharing this here because it could be counterproductive if misunderstood. Nonetheless, it is a weighty gem worth reflecting on and seeking further clarification about from our scholars.

Your asking Him is a charge against Him. Your asking for Him is [due to] your absence from Him. Your asking for other than Him is due to your lack of modesty in front of Him. Your asking from other than Him is due to being far from Him.
- Hikam #21 of Ibn Ata-illah

A commentary of the above hikam states:

There are four ways the servant asks and all of these are faulty:
(1) asking from Allah,
(2) asking for Allah Himself,
(3) asking for other than Him, and
(4) asking from other than Him.

[As for the first], asking for something from Him is an accusation (charge) against Him. If the servant put his trust in Allah to send him his needs without asking, he would not demand anything from Him.

[As for the second], asking for Allah Himself is [a sign] of being absent from Him, since the person already in His presence does not ask [for Allah].

[As for the third], asking for other than Him shows a lack of modesty on the part of the servant. If he were modest in front of Him, he would withdraw from what He dislikes such as asking for other than Him. Not mentioning other than Allah nor preferring anything over Him are among the types of modesty that He has a right to.

Finally, asking from other than Allah is due to the servant's remoteness from Him. If he were close to Him, others would be far from the servant and he would not ask anything from them.

Therefore, all asking is faulty according to those who declare Allah's oneness and know Him, regardless of whether this asking is concerned with the Truth or creation. However, the exceptions are asking in order to keep good manners with Allah, to do so as an act of worship, to follow Allah's command [al-Qur'an 40:60], and to express one's need and poverty. In these cases, asking Allah has no fault in it.

Rebound

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Q - What is the perfect definition of having a good opinion of Allah (حسن الظن بالله)?
A - To have full certainty in your heart that Allah deals with you and gives you according to that which He knows is best for you (not good for you but best for you).

[Al Habib Husayn As Saqqaf - April 21, 2011]

***
Thoughts of children fill my mind. There is a lot that we can learn from them - not necessarily in terms of what they say and do but rather the combination of both phenomena as they relate to how they are as people and how they develop. For example, the other day I noted how politely my nephew asked his brother for a plastic bat as the two of them played some version of hockey whilst their beloved little sister - a newcomer to the world of walking - insisted on having a share in the game. I figured that he would probably consider his casual request of "Can you please pass me that stick?" as insignificant and normal. And really, in the world of ideals, being polite should not be unexpected. Nonetheless, I recall many occasions in his short life when he's been reminded, "How do you ask nicely?" or "Hey, you forgot the secret word!" or "Is that how you ask for something?" Like all of us, he wasn't born into this world knowing what makes up acceptable speech. Progress in this realm has required the sincere concern of his caretakers - his parents namely - to teach him, and repetition and discipline have definitely been a part of the equation.

So how does this simple, "no duh!" point relate to adults? Our nafs is a child in many respects and needs to be chided, reminded, and disciplined much like children. As we grow into adults with a solid awareness of what is respectable or praiseworthy conduct, we realize that there is still a mischievous, lazy, and easily-distractable part within ourselves, and sometimes we are entirely ineffective in curbing its child-like inclinations to whine and indulge itself.

While I toss around such thoughts in my mind, I note the craze in this world for people to improve themselves. Advertising speaks to both the childish nafs that wants ease and comfort, and it speaks to the brain that says "challenge yourself to be better" - better looks, better money, better accomplishments, better socializing, better everything. And sometimes better is only realistically sold at the price of discipline and sacrifice. Thus, we have 1001 diets, programs, videos, etc. inviting people to work hard to lose those extra pounds, or the ridiculous fast-paced work environments of vile characteristics that ask people to "suck it up" and push on if they want to "make it" and other things.

So perhaps the nafs has opportunities to be disciplined and such efforts are more common than I'm aware. Personally, I'm not sacrificing anything at all, and popularized endeavours to deal with the pain of getting ahead are not the least bit appealing to me. I don't think I could motivate myself nor discipline myself enough to achieve even sentiments of a single fad.

Then where is one, such as myself, supposed to find strength when preparing to reproach one's nafs? I can only really think of one piece of advice when attempting to answer this question even though the greater meaning of it is lost to me in practice. A teacher advised one to be connected to those of similar spiritual aspirations. In one word, he advised suhba or companionship. I suppose before I reach clarity in this advice, I must learn what it means to truly have a good opinion of His creations and how to interact with them deeply.

My personal inclinations of suhba are largely embedded in quality and not quantity. Regardless, it is a concept that currently escapes me and thus it is one which I must struggle with should I hope to be even mildly deserving of its fruits.

Think deeply, live deeply, die peacefully... inshaAllah.

Started on Feb, 28, 2011 and completed today.

Nothing Else

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

During a long car drive earlier this year, a fellow passenger commented that marriage is in crisis. I disagreed but said nothing as she went on to explain herself. She meant the process of getting married. While I agree that challenges exist there and in marriages as well, I find it erroneous to consider "marriage," or any part of what it means, in crisis. People are in states of crisis, not marriage. Mentally, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually, people are confused and yearn for harmony.

Before much more can be added to this introspection, it must be said that it is a great blessing that we each have a relationship with our Creator regardless of any despicable level we may reach in our servanthood. He is deserving of all loyalty, praise, and aspiration. It is only by His guidance and decree that what we may find clarity in this world of conflicting messages and ideologies.

I have since tossed her words around in my mind as I tried to find an angle from which the prism could appear transparent. It is a difficult process given my own cowardice. I said as much to her that day as I put out different scenarios with the hope that one would inspire a clear perspective.

It is all too easy to get into discussions about how we, people, attempt to honour conflicting values in the same embrace. But such discussions yield nothing because trying to join opposing principles will, naturally, lead to disaster.

In all truth, we cannot put the deen on one end of the scale and justify any other weight; no matter its shape, size, or appeal. Whatever it is, it will always take things out of balance since the deen - that is, divine guidance and the exemplary teachings of our Beloved 'alayhi assalaatu wassalaam - is balanced. It is complete justice. It is complete unity. It is complete harmony.

And yet you'll read my words here and say, "But it is completely ideal and nearly impossible to achieve." This is truly the point of disagreement. Though difficult, it is not impossible to achieve. We laboriously choose not to let go of some things for the sake of reaching it.

Yet again, in my myself I find that words are all too easy and smooth while actions are utterly absent.

I will say though that another person's words in a different context have embellished this whole reflection and offer me clarity. "This isn't about me and never has been. It's about Allah, and nothing else." It is an ideal that is rare to hear and even more scarcely lived by, but it serves as a glorious ambition all the same.

May it be lived by the soul that was graced to express it, and may it saturate the hearts that are ennobled to receive it. Ameen.

Unknown

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Less than 24 hours ago I dreamt that I was in Yemen. I don't remember much else about the dream, neither the scenery nor the circumstances, except that one of my sisters was with me and after settling our lives there we had to leave. It was perhaps a replay of a situation that occurred some eleven years earlier in more northern soil.

I heard from a friend recently. She was the same one with whom I walked through the flooded streets of Sana'a during our return home from the grocery store one night. She said to me then, "Do you know what makes Yemen different than other countries?" I thought for a few moments but soon gave up and asked what it might be. "In other countries, when it rains the streets get cleaner, but in Yemen the streets get dirtier!" I laughed. I told her today that I missed Yemen. She said that I shouldn't since there is nothing to miss. My heart is with them as times are tough.

I often think of another sister who I met there. In a quiet moment together, she once expressed the helplessness she felt as a poor woman who was unable to, in the least, find out about her husband's health as he remained in the hospital for more days than anticipated. All I could think to say at the time was that these tests of patience are not in vain and it is not a wonder that the poor will be among the first to enter Jannah. I haven't heard from her in a long time, though I've heard she is bedridden with ailing health. May Allah make things easy for them all, ameen.

These thoughts often tumble in my mind, and they inevitably invite me to draw parallels to life here. But where can I begin, really? I don't look at the world as I did before I went to Yemen, but I don't attribute this change of thinking to that experience alone. Some of the most unexpected lessons were taught to me upon my return. And, true enough, aging has played its part too. The difficulty for me now lies in putting the pieces together. But, is it worth it?

I have this unfortunate tendency of wanting to understand situations, as few and rare as they are, that are near to my heart, be it good or bad. Not understanding or not having enough insights to even try to understand is.... distracting.

Some criticize me for "never" saying what I want, but not saying does not mean not knowing. I do seek clarity but pursuing the means to such an end is sometimes a luxury. I suppose some matters of the heart will remain forever as they are. Thus, I pray for the strength, wisdom, and resolve to delve into the matters that will ease the suffering of a putrid soul, inshaAllah wa ameen.

Insanity's Witness

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

It is rarely abated as it runs in the blood like a virus. Where does weakness find rest? Words, a mere disguise for truth, yield nothing. Answers are no easier sought here and now than there and then. Stillness is an unachievable experience. But it wasn't. Is there something to be learned from the past? It is a wonder that what is missing was once a succulent fruit whose taste lingered enough to make each choice worthwhile.

Now every choice must be mistrusted. Every venture considered worthless. Every intention negligible. Every desire damned. Every thought flawed.

Perhaps it was said once not to give up, but instead to find the strength needed to straighten the strays. To grow in wisdom while facing doubts and inadequacies. To feed the heart more than paper-pleasing diction. To persevere despite turbulent weaknesses. The strength of such advice is faint. Ears no longer suited for such wise counsel.

Many speak to be heard, but patience in the face of blabbering is short lived. Rarities speak to honour the gift and blessing of communication. To say love is not to be love, but to live love is to proclaim it. Fanciful words that few to none can embrace or even deserve. How is it to read the same line of the same book and take rest in the same word but adorn such vitality with a ghastly interface?

Inspiration is lost in this drunken stupor. Veils are burdensome. Lights are securely blackened. Not a soul might understand the multiple layers of such coiled musings. Its meanings are twisted so tightly that not even the author can unravel them to the point of gainful clarity.

Indeed, a darkened heart is a secure witness to half of insanity.

Unimaginable

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

My last reflective blurb ended with a question: "What do you want out of life?" The difficulty in answering this is, as I see now, that the question itself is flawed entirely. Life cannot be about what we want. If it is it, then we know nothing about the pursuit of soulful submissions and struggling with ourselves to taste their sweetness.

The question must be more urgent than what we want. Wants are fanciful. Some of them we reach and others must escape our thoughts as they remain strangers to our lives. Some are purposeful and others are purposeless, almost useless. It is truly a matter of what we need.

What do we need from life?

If random people were asked, "Do you want a million dollars?" Most, I imagine, would say yes. When asked, "What would you do with that much money?" Most, I imagine, would be unsure about using most of it. A wonder, isn't it?

Ironically, it is easy to speak of wants but troublesome dealing with needs. If wants go unfulfilled, we know that we will be alright all the same. But if needs are neglected, we know that the consequences will eventually catch up with us.

We don't need to drink seven to eight glasses of water a day. But people try to do so anyway. We don't need to eat seven to eight servings of fruits and vegetables a day nor any other specifics that an official food guide might suggest. We need only eat good food, and enough of it to live or to simply stand straight. We don't need to be popular or respected, but we need to know, for ourselves, that we are honourable and dignified.

We don't need the keys to the treasures of this world, not even the simplest of them, nor do we need to adopt a facade of piety. We need to be honest with ourselves, and we need the strength to spend a moment, if only a single one, in the dark waters of true solitude and silence. And in that moment, we must force ourselves to face our realities. Who are we? Where are we? Where are we going? What do we need to get there?

Unimaginable are moments of true insight.

Soon to follow...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

There she is, the Rajab moon, looking upon us as she reminds us that Ramadhan is coming soon. I look to one side and see the comfort of the world I'm in, the one that can mute the rest of the world out, unconcerned and unmoved. I look to the other side and I imagine their fears, their tears, and their unrest. My unrest is unwarranted compared to theirs.

The other day, as I lost my thoughts in two hours of kitchen duties and the sounds of Arabic nasheeds, I found myself in a pendulum moving from thoughts of joy to reminders of struggles. I remembered the people who I once called a friend. Those who were upset with me when I failed to share reasons for my sadness. Those who I spent hours with in unexhausted conversation. Those who considered my ears worthy of their woes. Those who offered me a hug when I needed it the most. Those whose advice and insights I always seek. Those who I hold near and dear to my heart, and the one or two that I dare call a good friend. Some have since moved on, married perhaps, perhaps just better settled in the comfort of their families. Others are a hand's span away but utterly unreachable.

Despite using a fan strategically placed by my father for my comfort, the heat of the day and the stove was still ever present for me. "Not quite desert heat," I thought with a smile "...but heat nonetheless." The scent of freshly barbecued kebabs wafted its way to me as family members opened the oven and helped themselves to lunch. I smiled. If I closed my eyes at that moment, I could have almost experienced a step in Sana'a bustling streets, perhaps passing a street vendor as I contemplated lunch options.

I'm blessed. My family is well, but they're not my only concern. Violence in Sana'a, in Cairo, in BenGhazi, in Damascus, and other places enter my mind. A smile cannot survive such thoughts. I hope for some correspondence that will inform me that those who have touched my heart are well. A selfish hope, but a hope nonetheless.

Years ago, as my friend and I discussed travelling overseas to study at a certain school, we talked about the difficulties that singlehood could offer. "You're a hopeless romantic!" she said to me. I still haven't figured out why. It just didn't seem easier to travel with a spouse and have him staying in one school while I had the opportunity to pursue my studies in an adjacent school. Practically speaking, I said to her, "How would I know if he was ill? Or if he had eaten well?" For me, these concerns have nothing to do with romance. They're simply a part of caring, even if only considering a hypothetical situation.

Romance... caring... love... perhaps they all add up to the same thing to some extent. I then thought about the infamous Layla (Majnoon's Layla). Few look at her perspective on things, perhaps because of the enticement of Majnoon's eloquence. Undeniably impressive eloquence, but kalaam nonetheless. What did Layla's silence say? Perhaps this question is worthless, but I'll indulge it all the same. Given the option to marry him but to also bring shame to her family due to his open declaration of love, she attempts to disengage her feelings for him and instead marries another. Her emotions eventually get the better of her (and him no less), and they both die of broken hearts. Quite the drama indeed, but I credit her effort of sacrificing her desires and her beloved's for the sake of greater good. It's not an easy task, but life sometimes requires that we walk firmly on the path of self-denial.

The question is simple, "What do you want out of life?" But the answer is one of the most difficult to provide while being ruthlessly honest with one's self. A dishonest answer will only lead to a tangled web. I realize this now. In my attempts at answering this question, I find myself saying, feeling, thinking, and living different things. While this stems from my weakness, I must stand by the strength in my kalaam and hope that the rest will soon follow, inshaAllah.

اللهُمَّ إنِّي ضَعِيفٌ فَقوِّ في رِضاكَ ضَعْفي، و خُذْ إلى الخيْرِ بِناصِيَتي، و اجْعلِ الإسلامَ مُنتهى رِضاي
اللهُمَّ إنِّي ضعيفٌ فقوِّني، و إنّي ذليللٌ فأعِزَّني، و إني فقيرٌ فأغْنِني، بِرحمتِكَ يا أرحمَ الرّاحمين... آمين


هي جنة - حمود الخضر