Attempts

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

"In a time of darkness and greed, it is your light that we need. You came to teach us how to live. Muhammad, ya Rasul Allah. You were so caring and kind. Your soul was full of light. You are the best of mankind. Muhammad, khayru khalqi Allah. Sallu 'ala Rasuli Allah, Habibi-l Mustafa. Peace be upon the Messenger, the Chosen One. From luxury you turned away, and all night you would pray. Truthful in every word you say. Muhammad, ya Rasul Allah."
Maher Zain - The Chosen One - Al Mukhtar

Last winter, I was offered a good job at the same time that an opportunity presented itself for me to study Arabic overseas for about three months. As per my usual practice, I consulted my family and attempted, with little success, to consult a couple of other respectful souls whose opinion I value. Suffice to say, after much strife, I turned down the job. Some may call me a fool for doing so. Though penniless, I don't regret it.

Those who know me could well expect that I would want to extend my trip to longer than three months. My return ticket was booked for this December, but Allah's plan has already come to pass. Perhaps accepting the job was a good idea because I couldn't afford the fees that were quoted for private study. The tentative plan was to study for three more months privately and then to find a school to enroll in. None occurred. Though it was a seemingly quick decision for me to return home, it was a sad day for me. Its memory remains as such, but it too cannot be regretted.

Interestingly, one day while at school, after greeting one of the directors (if I can call him that) at the Arabic institute, he asked me if I was happy."Do you want the honest answer?" I asked. He did. I told him I wasn't. But happiness has never been my goal. It's not a thing of this world.

I turn 30 this year, inshaAllah, marking 30 years of life lived. While this blog stands testimony to my efforts to define my world and to check myself, I'm still lost in the darkness of my nafs. It's an ugly place to be. I have no way out of it except by His mercy. Allahumma irhamna... irhmana ya Kareem.

I'm changing my ways, tweaking them where I can, as best as I can. Minuscule attempts, but attempts nonetheless. I'm changing up my approach. I'm taking the time to breathe freely. But I don't trust my steps. Atawakkalu 'ala Allah. Perhaps I'm falling into the worst of my errors in the name of an attempt. But I'm not interested in playing the game of life. Most will fault me for it, but I won't try to explain myself. None know what's in my heart. I prefer to get to the point, and while that definitely requires going through the motions of life, it can never be trivialized. In all my attempts, at least I can say the errors are my own. When they fall upon my face, it will be for me to deal with alone.

Allahumma ihdina....ya Rabb Al 'alameen...
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There are no words for this...

U7ibuhum fi Allah. Allahumma ihdina faghfir lana. Allahumma farij 'ala al muslimeena wa al muslimaat fi kulli makaan. Ameen.


The speech of the grand mufti of Syria at his son Sarya's funeral.