Wholesome Ways

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

A superior once asked my co-teacher for her thoughts about something. She responded with a less favourable response and when asked why, she said, "because Farzeen doesn't like it." She meant it when she said that as we worked closely in the same space we would be a unified team, reflecting each other in whatever we did. Initially, I thought it an ambitious vision for a work environment, but our relationship has blossomed into a friendship and inevitably has, mostly, taken on this characteristic. 

It should be said that we never started off this way. While the basics of politeness always existed, there, too, were doubts and misunderstandings which I imagine were rooted in previous negative experiences. Alhamdulillah, we have since reached a plateau of mutual consideration and trust. How? By Allah's grace alone, but if words were used to describe efforts that have been invested in this relationship - and any good relationship - they might be: 

1) Have high intentions
2) Be sincere
3) Have a good opinion
4) Forgive
5) Seek all that is good 
6) Be tolerant
7) Be patient
8) Laugh together
9) Make sacrifices
10) Share i.e. thoughts, ideas, opinions, concerns, belongings, food,  etc.
11) Be loyal
12) Apologize and appreciate
13) Be flexible 
14) Compromise
15) Be dependable
16) Respect the other's perspective on life
17) Make it for Allah's sake

***

We recently discussed the shari'ah perspective on a woman's earnings. "A woman doesn't need to give them to her husband for household expenses if she doesn't wish," I said to her. She said, "Spouses are one unit. If my husband allows me to go and work, should I not be grateful and ease his responsibilities as well? There is no such thing as "mine and his." We breathe as one, and we are one." I smiled, recalling a similar approach in my parents. "You're right," I told her. "When marriage becomes a matter of demanding rights, it's doomed." We were saying the same thing, in essence. Despite the legal flexibility for a woman to do with her earnings as she wishes, a woman who perceives those earnings in a considerate or a selfish way will likely see the fruits of that choice respectively.

Two days ago, I asked a co-worker when she started wearing niqab. She told me that her  husband asked her to wear it upon his return from hajj.  أمرني زوجي بلباس النقاب I hesitate in translating the word أمرني because as "modern" (for lack of a better word, as it is not a phenomenon exclusive to the west) women, we are standoffish with the idea that anyone, especially a man, will tell us what we must do. A woman of insight, however, will acknowledge and accept wholeheartedly the role that a husband (and father), by divine wisdom, has in the family.

It takes two to tango, and the boorish type of husband who demands of his family as he wills, without engaging their emotional, intellectual, and psychological states or simply being polite, can expect to be met by a fight from his wife, however implicit it may be. As I've seen, it may well lead to some level of deception, disrespect, and a general aura of dislike. Harsh? Yes, but a wise man knows that the way he approaches his loved ones will be how they - at their best - respond to him.

I honestly don't think everything has to be so complicated. Respect. That's all it is. Keep the nafs in check and respect one another, and sometimes respecting the other means being patient and understanding that we all make mistakes. Sometimes it takes time before we realize these mistakes and attempt to remedy them. But alas, all is entirely in vain if done for the sake of each other. It will only prosper and flourish when done for Allah's sake. May Allah protect us from doing anything except that it is done for His sake and His ridha alone, ameen.

"It's about Allah and nothing else." 

April 24, 2015

All Is Good الحمد لله

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Ramadhan has come and passed. May Allah forgive us for our negligence in it and accept our efforts for His sake, ameen. Thoughts have thundered and passed. Memories linger and leave me with questions but no answers. I suppose it's another lesson to learn. All anxieties have indeed come to fruition, almost to the point of wondering about the worth of my decision, but I know it had to be made and I am content with where I am despite the challenges of a transition. I remind myself that gratitude (shukr) must surpass any feelings of sadness (huzn). This is undoubtedly the best for it is as the Almighty wills. Alhamdulillah for all.
***

My 5-year-old niece gave me a moment's pause this morning.

"Farzeen Khala, why don't you get married?" she asked.

"Uhh...Because nobody asked me," I said. That wasn't entirely true, so I said, "Well someone asked me, but some things about him irritated me."

She then said something about her brothers and how they bother her but she still likes them. 

"Yes, that's true, but I don't think I could have lived nicely with him," I said.

"I believe in Allah," she said. Unsure of where she was going with her words, I waited for her to continue. "I really believe in Allah. Do you remember when I was four years old? There was a swing (glider) at the park that I was really scared of.. do you remember?

"Uh huh" I said, not quite sure which "swing" she meant since I had left before she turned four.

"Well, now it's easy and I'm not scared anymore."

"I see. It seems you're trying to teach me a lesson here Fatimah. What should I learn from your story?"

"Well, if you really believe in Allah, then maybe he, i.e. that guy, won't bother you so much."

I said, "Well that's why I ask Allah guide to me to what is best for me and to open my heart to what is best because I don't know."

She said, "Why don't you just pick someone and ask?"

"Do you mean I should ask someone to marry me?" I asked.

"Yah."

"Well, I can't just go and talk to brothers like that. It's not appropriate."

"I can do it for you," she offered.

"You'll go to a brother and say "hey brother, do you want to marry my Farzeen Khala?"

"Yah" she said with barely a moment's hesitation.

I smiled at the thought. "That's very kind of you. I think it's better we leave it with Allah. He will take care of it and give us what is best for us."

***
May we always find ourselves firmly connected to a good opinion of our Gracious Lord, upon Whom we depend and Whose guidance we seek and need. Ameen
"Do you think that you will enter the Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They encountered suffering and adversity and were so shaken in spirit that even the Apostle and those of faith who were with him cried: 'When (will come) the help of God?' Ah! Verily the help of God is (always) near!" [2:214]

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Inspiration

"Be mindful of God, and God will protect you. Be mindful of God, and you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, ask of God. If you seek help, seek help of God. Know that if the whole world were to gather together to benefit you with anything, it would benefit you only with something that God had already prescribed for you. And if the whole world were to gather together to harm you, it would harm you only with something that God has already prescribed for you. The pens have been lifted and the ink has dried."
--Prophet Muhammad [peace be upon him]