Passing Thoughts

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

It's a full moon tonight. My niece and I spent the earlier part of the night enjoying the night sky and mountain scenery together. The household has since fallen into a deep slumber, but sleep escapes me and I'm hardly inclined to blame an afternoon nap for this.

There is little about my life perspectives worth articulating these days, and perhaps that explains my recent written silence. There are many things that I've considered writing about, but the words seemed not to fall into place as they normally do. Even still, I continue to have difficulty finding my words. Alhamdulillah, I've recently closed one brief chapter in my life, one that I was ever-eager to complete. Unexpectedly, and by God's grace alone, I now find myself visiting close relatives who I haven't seen in about four years. I can hardly believe the changes that time has revealed.

I remember visiting the hospital when my niece, the daughter of my sibling-like cousin, was born. A few years afterwards, when she was still a toddler, I remember humouring her with games fit for a princess. Her older brother is the first of the family youngings, and I can hardly believe that he is now a young man and already taller than me. Since his birth, Allah has blessed us with 14 other births and 5 stepchildren. Alhamdulillah. All praises and thanks belong to Him for these many blessings. With 20 children that I like to call my own (though I've yet to meet one of them) child rearing concerns me.

I don't have the answers to many of the questions that I have in this regard. It goes without saying that parents all have their own parenting styles and most want the best for their children. Right now, it's not appropriate that I spend a great deal of time thinking about this as there are more pressing and practical things that I need to attend to as soon as I return home, God willing. I pray that I have the strength to pursue them as my track record thus far is horrible.

In the meantime, for those few of you take the time to keep track of my ramblings here, I'll invite you to think about your parents and their efforts to raise you to the best of their abilities. Pray for them. Honour them. And serve them for the sake of Allah.

May Allah take us all back to Him in the best of states, and may He allow us to lead lives that are pleasing to Him. May He use us as tools in His service and protect us from all evils, ameen.

***

Ya Waaliday
يا والدي
Nothing can fully articulate what needs to be said
Though often times I wonder
In those wee hours of the night while lying in bed
How great it is that this love still grows fonder

Since even before my first breath of this world's air
Your two hearts were constricted by my uncertain state
Before the world even knew my name did you care
God's generosity is abundantly clear in our written fate

Limitless have been your lessons in all respects
And selflessness adorns all your offers of companionship
My every decision lovingly circumspect
As I hold a goblet of gratitude awaiting your sip

Servicing your requests are my honour
And inciting your disappointments are my shame
Endless wasted opportunities now considered a goner
My history of disservice marks a soul's pitiful fame

How rare it is for me to sit down and say
My dearest mother and father I love you more than you'll know
Thank you for the many blessings you've helped bring my way
And forgive me for the many times my appreciation fails to show

Recognizing this as your life-long investment
It is only from God that the fruits of your labour can be unveiled
I am impoverished and will certainly fail in repayment
So I ask Him to bless you with the best of this world and the next and make this a debt repaid

Ameen!

Written on March 28, 2009

Let it pour, oh let it pour

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Let it pour, oh let it pour. As God gives life to the earth that is dead, He surely gives life to hearts that are dead. Oh let it pour.

Hearts that seek the balance between fear and hope must see that these words are too weak for the reality of their meanings. Perhaps the language of articulation is the deficiency. Fear does not describe the state in which one anticipates receiving the wrath of God, nor is hope strong enough to describe the supreme authority by which God commands His creation. Hope contains too much doubt in affirming God's transcendence and mercy. It almost belittles a good opinion of His greatness. But there are no words in English that match these depths, at least not from my perspective or minimal knowledge. However, one word from which to draw clarity is justice. Justice will prevail. God does not wrong souls, but souls earn their conditions. And we depend, in our entirety and without an alternative, on His mercy and His supreme will and power.

Let it pour, oh let it pour. The earth is grieving the loss of light and there is nothing that can ease her pain. Light and darkness are not and must not be considered the same. How then can one who knows be the same as one who does not know? How then can servitude be likened to heedlessness and disobedience? Like parallel lines, they will never cross.

As we survey our lives, deciding where to go and how to get there, we must pause and soak in the rain. Oh let it pour. It is not altogether relevant where we want to go, but it is critical that we recognize the reasons why we want to go there. As days pass, one enveloped into the next, what do we have to hold onto? What do we need to hold onto?

Oh let it pour. By the permission, generosity, and grace of Allah, let it pour.

Behold! In the creation of the heavens and the earth; in the alternation of the Night and the Day; in the sailing of the ships through the Ocean for the profit of mankind; in the rain which Allah sends down from the skies, and the life which He gives therewith to an earth that is dead; in the beasts of all kinds that He scatters through the earth; in the change of the winds, and the clouds which they trail like their slaves between the sky and the earth;― (here) indeed are signs for a people that are wise.
2:164 - English "translation" of the Quran.

Shoreline Observations

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

As I look at the world around me, I'm not really sure what to think. My mind cannot comprehend how we, people of this world, go from love to hate, or from respect to disrespect, or from sincerity to selfishness. Worse still, I cannot understand how this occurs after committing oneself to the precepts of marriage. These wonders are not, in my mind, directly linked to issues of divorce as that is a topic all on its own.

The marriage process by itself is one that is.. uhm.. I can't even find a suitable word to describe it. Suffice to say, I'm at the shoreline and keep a safe distance away from the waves, with rare exception. I suppose it is the exception that makes the endeavour worthwhile.

One night, when I was especially tired and eager to get to sleep, I returned to my room and found my roommate on the phone with her betrothed. I couldn't sleep with her chatter, but I figured that she was much too happy for me to get irritated at the late-night conversation. At last, she hung up the phone, and as far as I could tell I was finally going to have a chance to fall asleep. But then she sighed deeply and said, "Farzeen, have you ever known love like this?" I tried not to laugh out loud and was glad that she couldn't see me in the dark. "No" I said. She sighed again, and then I knew it was going to be a much longer night than I had anticipated.

The following night, however, was much different. She confided in me about her worries and sought some counsel. From what I gathered (and Allah knows best), both of them were approaching marriage with less-than-ideal intentions, and thus their specific issues were quite predictable. Given their predicaments, it seemed as though their relationship was as good as done, but a day or two later my roommate informed me that she was going shopping. "Shopping.. hmm.. now?" I asked. "Yes, for my wedding!" she said. "Yesterday you told me it was over, and today you're going shopping?" I asked her in obvious surprise. She laughed and shrugged her shoulders. I imagined things were sorted out. I do hope that she is happy and content wherever she is now. By agreeing to get married, they were both getting exactly what they wanted from their union. And perhaps this is true for many.

SubhanAllah.. perhaps that's the missing link that keeps some of us on the shore and others of us deep in the ocean. And yet all are seemingly content with their methods. We seek the most fitting means to match the ends which we desire. If the means do not match the end, then they do not suffice us and we most often seek new ways. We all have different ends and different means, no one better than the other. Perhaps marriages become especially strained when time illumines the discrepancy between these premarital expectations and reality. And God knows best.

I wonder at those who marry but don't live together. Each their own, but it's a strange regularity these days. If one is not ready to get married, then why get married? Yes, I know, because relationships can reach levels of closeness and inseparability that they become Islamically questionable. Gotcha. But you can't beat the system. Marriage comes with rights and responsibilities, and it's a shame that we are willing to accept the rights while we place the responsibilities on others. Yes, the others agree, but then again so do grandparents who find themselves raising their grandchildren. Is that the best option for all involved? Sometimes it is, but most times, I'm not so sure. Allah knows best.

The institution of marriage, I think, needs to be treated with seriousness. Enjoyment of the occasion should not excuse an abasement of its greatness, a greatness which is found in its depths. We cannot reach great depths with light hearts. Not the way I see it at least. In the Book of Intentions, Al Habib Muhammad bin 'Alawi Al 'Aydarus, (الله يحفظه) lists intentions of marriage from the work of the great Shaykh 'Ali bin Abi Bakr As Sakran. The list finishes with, "I have intended all the previous and more from whatever I control, say, and do in this marriage for Allah Almighty." And within this niyyah, this intention, I think is the greatest beauty in all the jewels of marriage.

Perhaps I speak of ideals. But if we do not pursue moral and spiritual ideals, then what will we pursue?

Ungrateful Inception

I have nothing to offer the world,
Nor to those who tarry within her
I cannot benefit those who meet me
And prefer to be a stranger

To myself I am only a shadow
A voiceless and formless existence
Within which light does not reside
Giving only my own decrepitude preference

It’s not in my perceived capability
To do that which is the praiseworthy norm
To walk as an ambassador in this world
Tracing the steps of the Beloved, peace be upon him, in an ennobled form

It is a favour for humanity
To be rid of my energy
For my misdirection is unfitting
And my mistakes far too many

But as life resides in my limbs
I’m still indebted to act
Wanting to be rid of myself
Muting the voices to react

It is my very intolerance
Of my being’s reflection
That proves the worth of this indulgence
Highlighting an ungrateful inception

The truth of this realization
Must emphasize a logic to discern
Being nothing for oneself or for others
Yet waiting for a peaceful return

His Way

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

I look at your picture and can't stop myself as your name easily slips from my lips, ya ibnati. Allah's favours are grand, and we thank Him, Transcendent is He, for blessing us with you, ya habibti. I remember those days when you relaxed in my arms or lay wide awake resting on a pillow by my side as we listened to the wisdom of our dear teachers. May we and our loved ones always be in gatherings of His remembrance, ameen. Nas-alu Allaha as-salaamah.

I look at the world around us, and I wonder. I've been wondering for some time. Some days, rare days, I like to think that I come closer to making sense of it and maybe even grasping some understanding our place within it. In 27 years, should you not return to your Lord before that time, will you find yourself where I am now? How will the world look to you, and what will it mean?

I had the good pleasure of learning of a book by our teacher Habib 'Ali Al Jifri, but I couldn't read much further than the first page. Within it, he named the confusion:

When the Muslim and the Believer becomes fully aware and comprehends his mission, he is then able to understand others with that comprehension of his mission. And to the extent that the Muslim and the Believer only dimly understands the greatness of the mission with which God entrusted him exclusively of others, he is hardly able to understand well and widen the scope of his relationship with creatures in all their variety.

Ignorance is painful.

I recently had the opportunity to ask a respected teacher about the role of a Muslim woman today. She kindly corrected my question. The role of a person, irrespective of gender, is the same. She said there are three roles or responsibilities for people, both men and women:

1) Worship Allah on earth
2) Tazkiyyah or purification of the nafs
3) Inhabit the earth

She elaborated on the final point by adding that we must inhabit the earth in the way that Allah wants, according to the shari'ah. For example, perhaps it can be by raising one's children, which is praiseworthy and a great task, or perhaps it is by working in something that one is really good at, etc.

May Allah bless us with knowledge and understanding. May He guide us and our loved ones to lead lives that are pleasing to Him and in accordance to His way, His laws, His guidance, and His message. May He protect us from the evils of ourselves, mankind, and jinn. May He bestow His rahma upon us, forgive us, and teach us. Ameen.

Some wisdom to sip on... In The Shadow of Fatimah

Be Great People

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

My brother sent this to me today. BarakAllahu fih. SubhanAllah...it really puts things into perspective.



Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3a - Part 3b

God is the Light of the heavens and the earth;
the likeness of His Light is as a niche wherein is a lamp
the lamp in a glass, the glass as it were a glittering star
kindled from a Blessed Tree
an olive that is neither of the East nor of the West
whose oil is well-nigh luminous, though fire scarce touched it;

Light upon Light!

God guides to His Light whom He will.
And God speaks to mankind in symbols
for God is knower of all things.

Quran - Chapter 24, Verse 35

Midnight Craving

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

I have a craving to savour the night sky, to sleep beneath the stars, and to smile at the radiant moon. It's been two years since then. Two nights ago, as I spotted the moon and searched the stars for a recognizable constellation, my mind overpowered my heart to make my way into the building. With snow-filled treads, I turned away from the beautiful sky and enjoyed the remaining steps that led to the entryway of my destination.

Isn't life like that sometimes? Our minds sometimes overpower our hearts, for better or for worse, and vice versa. I seek to achieve a balance between the two, but such an ideal is increasingly more difficult to possess.

Matha biki? I remember her asking me that night. I wasn't in a state that could engage in chatter nor could I share in their laughter. My enjoyment of their joyous moment was periphery, though sincere. Matters that weighed on my heart begged my attention, and though I hadn't the know-how to ease their burden, I allowed them to collapse into puddles of my confusion.

Since then, I've become less adept, and now the challenges between heart and mind have no way to a solution. The heart, being a bit fickle, wants to hold onto sweet delights though they may be illusory. And the mind is left with conflicts, weighing things that really don't need to be weighed. Considering, contemplating, and finding no end to put calm into a distressed heart.

So where does that leave things? I wish I knew.

May Allah guide us. May He enlighten us with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. May He bless us with the clarity of truth in our lives, and may He give us the means to experiencing tranquillity with Him, ameen.

Success

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

In The Name of God, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

May His blessings be upon His last and final prophet and messenger, Muhammad.

It is in the darkness of the night that the heart speaks the loudest. She demands attention. And by God's grace, her voice is heard.

There are many things that have been on my mind recently, and while the pieces are still fragmented, there are some moments of partial clarity that are indeed blessings.

Tonight, by God's generosity, I cradle such a moment.

As a distressed babe finally finds comfort and escapes from this world into a peaceful slumber, so too can our thoughts. For a time. A brief time.

Success. It's about the only word that fits in all our pockets as it is carried by us all. None, with a relatively sound mind, truly care to live life without achieving some perception of success. Yes, we want to be successful. Our human intelligence demands that much. The only question then is "What is success?"

I used to think that some portion or sign of success was in one's feeling of peace or completeness. Perhaps, I thought, success was in one's ability to wade in the water leaving behind beautiful ripples with little disturbance to the life structures below. But now I'm not sure that I have the words to describe my current understanding of it. But like most things that I embrace, it comes after many notions which I've turned away and it is from this angle that I will try to clarify my thoughts, bi ithnillah.
***
Success is not in sacrifice by itself. Sacrifice is perhaps part of the journey, but it isn't the epitome of the trip nor is it a noteworthy segment of the path. Success is not in ease. Success is not in beauty of any form. Success is not in wealth. Success is not in knowledge though depending on the nature of the knowledge it could be a precursory gift.

Success is not in the driver's seat of such vehicles as a Lexus. Nor is it in its opposite. Success is not in a diamond ring. Nor is it in the absence of such extravagance. Success is not in a spouse. Not even a righteous spouse. Success is not in a charming smile and crisp clothes. Nor is it in its opposite. Success is not in radiant hair and skin. Nor is it in its opposite. Success is not in acceptance from those whom we admire. Success is not in a fulfilling occupation. Success is not in taking care of one's family.

Then what is success?

All I know about success is that it is with Allah. It is by His decree, just as everything else in the universe. We cannot be confident that even in the beautiful things that we achieve in this world we will be among those whom Allah chooses to favour with His grace and eternal peace.

Then why do I even bother mentioning success? If it is not in our hands, why do we need to even flesh it out? Decree is with God alone, in all respects and in its entirety, but we are responsible for our actions. And simply, our success is in our submission to Him, entirely.

No, do not grieve that you are not earning as much as you would like. Do not let your heart, for even a moment, drop at the thought of the struggles that you face. SubhanAllah.

The Quran is filled with His promises, His Truth. And yet we do not take it, let alone hold firm to it. This is our failure.

We struggle and struggle to develop our professional lives, to earn "reasonable" incomes and yet our rizq (sustenance) is promised by Him. He will take care of it, and yet we worry about it. This is our failure.

We learn all that we can so we can interact in this world with ease, perhaps with praiseworthy intentions, but do we know what He wants of us? If not, this is our failure.

We have a little or a lot. We have filled bellies, loving families, and we complain. We only choose certain moments to express our gratitude to our Lord for things which we consider particularly great. But if we forget Him with even a sip of water, we have tasted failure.

As I look at the world around me, I know I cannot afford to live without challenging the values that we commonly place on certain things. I cannot afford to occupy my heart with other than Him. Not even for a moment.

And yet I do. As I write this, I see my failure. And if the trench wasn't as deep as it is, I would perhaps have confidence in getting out of it myself. Fortunately, I do not have this confidence and thus I risk not another failure because regardless of the depths of the trench, it is only by His grace that we will walk upon this earth with the sweetness of truth and reality in our hearts.

May Allah give us success with Him. May He guide us to return to Him in complete submission. May He bless us with knowledge and understanding, and guide us to rectify the conditions of our hearts. May He guide us. Ya Rab, guide us to You. Let us not be among the heedless. Let us live for Your sake alone. Let us strive for only You. May You be the absolute ruler of our hearts. May our actions and every breath bring us closer to You. Allahumma ighfir lana.. Allahumma ighfir lana.. Allahumma ighfir lana.. O Allah, forgive us!

Written on Feb. 6, 2010

***
A lesson wherein Habib Umar bin Hafiz (Allah yahfazuhu, ameen) puts things in perspective.



Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4

Ignorance Is Painful

بسم الله الرحمان الرحيم
اللهم صلى على سيدنا حبيبنا محمد و على آله و صحبه و سلم

It was in this hijri month, Rabi' Al Awwal, that the best of all of creation was born into this world to live on this Earth, may God's peace and blessings be upon him and his family and companions. We remember him, we send salutations to him, and we reflect on the lessons that he taught throughout his life as he lived in complete servitude to Allah, to whom belongs all praise and submission.

I wonder... I wonder... And the wonderment does not cease. But the words lose themselves enroute from my heart and my mind to my tongue or the tips of my fingers. I wish I could grasp them, examine them, polish them, and stare at them with the wonderment of awe and not of confusion. Ignorance is painful.

And yet we accept it as our states. I accept it as my state. Maafi mushkila sah? 'Indana maalun, wa baytun, wa malaabis. Kuluha takfi, sah? La. La. Abadan la. Matha bina? Majanin... sahih. They used to speak of our beloved, saying that he wasn't of sound mind. They could have not been any further from the truth with such a claim. Their contentment with their states encouraged their slanderous ways. And what of our own? Where does our contentment, with the material world as our guide, lead us?

Ignorance is painful. Painful indeed.

***

Ironic, isn't it?

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

There is a heavy fog hanging over the land these days. An abundance of rain poured through, and it has dispersed as quickly as it arrived. It came with clarity, a light source in itself. And though in its absence there is darkness, there too remains, as always, remnants from which we may benefit, bi ithnillah.

One such keepsake is the words of Habib 'Ali Al Jifri - Allahu yahfa'dhu - who said that women should not strive for "equality" with men as it implies inferiority, but rather they should strive to surpass men. The next question, naturally, is "how?" How can women surpass men? As there are those who make value judgments about equality between genders, who lays down the foundation of excellence and success?

In an effort to try to answer these questions, I'm reminded of the words of Shaykh Abdallah Al Haddad who, during one lesson, spoke about the essential questions that we each need to ask ourselves.

1) Who am I?
2) From where did I come?
3) Why am I here?
4) Where am I going? or What is my destination?

He elaborated on each question and its fitting answer as explained to us in our Islamic teachings. It is in the answers to these questions that we know that we are created from something very insignificant and even vile, and yet we have been given life as a test within which we need to compete with each other in good works. He said, "life is an opportunity for worship, thankfulness, and praising Allah."

True enough, people are in constant competition with each other, even with their own standards of what is "sufficient" for themselves. These competitions are ironic (and perhaps even laughable if they weren't so serious) given our soulful identities, but I suppose it should come as little surprise since these are the fruits of illusions.

And on the surface, this world is an illusion. But if we dig deep enough, by God's grace, this world is a great sign affirming God's transcendence and omniscience.

I wonder sometimes about how many of us run the rat race of life, living from weekend to weekend to get through the life paths that we choose for ourselves.

There are many who study for degrees but not for knowledge. There are many who work to earn money, yet not to serve. There are many who compete for everything that will disappear upon our deaths as smoothly as a mirage. And yet, in a lonely corner, there remains our sideline pile of good works and acts of servitude for our Lord's sake.

It baffles the mind really. And the irony continues as some people sense the traps of this world and write and read books such as "The Simple Guide to a Minimalist's Life" which only breaks down the difference between wants and needs. We want more than we need in tangibles, and yet we need more than we want in intangibles. Sad, isn't it?

In all my incoherence, I'm saying only this, why are we building elaborate forts out of snow, knowing very well that summer will eventually come, when we could rather spend our efforts building elaborate forts out of gold?

May Allah protect us from being engaged with anything that does not benefit our eternal existence. May He guide us to all that which will bring us closer to Him. May He forgive us where we err, and may He teach us how to tread the path of success with Him. May He, the Almighty, bless us with knowledge, understanding, and practices that are all for His sake alone. May we live for His sake, and may we return to Him in the best of states. Ameen.

Self-Inflicted Loss

بسم الله الرحمان الرحيم

I remember the times
that now seem so far away
when you stood by my side
no longer a stranger

but we've grown distant
oh so slowly
and my heart still aches
that you're no longer next to me

I reach out to you
but fail to understand
others tell me that I've forgotten
and that I've failed you

perhaps I deserve this loss
but it doesn't hurt any less
love isn't cheap
I see that

your strength still moves my heart
though you may not be mine
I do hope for your return
and for clarity in our union

Until then
I have no right to grieve
I've not abandoned you
I surely haven't

One day
We will smile together
Again, inshaAllah.
For His sake alone.
For His sake alone.

أحبك يا لغة القرآن
أحبك يا لغة العظيمة
أحبك يا لغة عربية

الصلاة و السلام على الرسول المصطفى

The Essence of Weddings

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

As Wedding Essence launches its new website (masha'Allahu wa alhamdulillah!), I'm reminded of the beauty of families. More specifically, I'm reminded of families who support each other, bring out the best in each other, and work together to facilitate each other's legit ambitions. It goes without saying that such blessings are from none other than Allah, the Most High, to whom belongs all praises, submission, and servitude. It is by His grace and facilitation that beauty manifests itself in our lives. In families, this beauty most often stems from husbands and wives, those of them who work towards beautifying the world with their joint efforts.

So, uhm, do I speaketh of ideals? Is reality much different? Perhaps it is! As my mother taught me, "Every bed of roses has its thorns." So the next time someone asks me "When are you getting married?" I think I might send them here to stew on the insights that Sherman and his buddies in the lagoon so nicely offer.

Enjoy!
***[You'll have to click on the images to enlarge them. Sorry for the inconvenience.]

The agonizing question of when you're getting married finally pushes you to make an effort toward finding a suitable spouse. But if you decide to join the game, then make sure you at least have some game.

There must be a handbook for this process. Some people say "too honest" is a bad thing, but surely there should be a bright side to it.

You soon learn that the process is indeed challenging, but it's also very insightful. Perhaps a bit too insightful?

Those, however, who bravely persist after a failed venture might want to consider a new strategy.

But bravery and hopes only invite surprises. Be prepared.

Some of us though aren't that brave and instead the pressure only surmounts. God helps us all.

For those who make it past the meeting stage, it doesn't take much time before confidence takes the lead. Good thing friends are there to light the way.

Alas, you decide to marry...

And if you were wise enough to write the reasons down, you might want to make multiple copies. Maybe even hang one copy on the fridge too.

Okay, okay... a few peculiar preferences can be indulged, especially when your partner tries so hard to impress you.

Some surprises are better shared before the moment of truth. Otherwise, it's important that couples have effective methods for resolving conflicts.

Marriages do reach some strange plateaus. Love? What's that? Does it come with dip?

But through all the drama, selfless consideration shines through in its own uniquely beautiful way.

Marriage and fatherhood is sometimes a bit overwhelming for men, so let's take a peek at Hagar's scene for a reflective moment.

You see, wives are dependable. You can always count on them to set the record straight. Be prepared.

Men eventually learn to embrace the role of a father...

...ensuring that they impart their wisdom.

From singlehood to marriage to parenthood, we surpass those familial challenges. We then find ourselves being weighed down by the other demands of life.

But through it all, there are always friends who we can count on.

Alternatively, professional help will have to do.

Amply sufficient...

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

حسبي الله
A few months ago, I was officially required to get involved with society again. I had tried, rather unsuccessfully, to prepare myself mentally for the demands that awaited me in terms of interacting once again with society at large, a society that I've grown up in and know well enough to know that they still don't understand me, a Muslimah. Nonetheless, Allah placed me in this, and it has benefitted me tremendously to not forget that.

In Allah's generosity, kindness, and grace, He has made all practical considerations easy for me. As He always does. SubhanAllah. He tests me only in my gratefulness. In the demands of this world, He sends rays of sunshine my way just when I need them in the exact intensity that I need them. Sometimes, when my heart is in thousands of pieces, He sends that comfort, untouchable and brief though it may be, to be by my side. Alhamdulillah. It shouldn't have been suprising then when a colleague greeted me with "assalaamu'alaykum" when he first saw me despite not being a Muslim or when I met a Yemeni sister who, upon learning of my attempts to learn Arabic, began speaking to me in fus7a Arabic during our brief and sporadic conversations. Ashkuruka ya Rab...

I've since said goodbye to some of those people, and continue this journey with people whose company has thus far been enlightening. The world is a large place and the differences in people are unquantifiable. Being the boring person that I am, I have only one thing with which to connect with most people, and that is our shared humanity. And for me, it's sufficient. It is amply sufficient, bi ithnillah.

اللهم صلي على سيدنا حبيبنا محمد و على آله و صحبه و سلم
***


Khalid Belrhouzi - The Cloak

An Ink-less Pen

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Nope, today I won't write about the complications of myself. I won't write about the absurdity of consumerism. I won't write about the Hadhrami blue skies. I won't write about the voices of the heart. I won't write about the chaotic effects of selfishness and greed. I won't write about the sufferings of innocent people. I won't write about the monkey-like habits of man. I won't write about the challenges of this world. I won't write about the potential of dreams. I won't write about ineffective systems. I won't write about what is but that which we hate, or what isn't but that which we hope for, or what has passed but that which we still can't understand.

Add but a few more things to that list, and we have just about everything in my mind right now. And I don't want to think about any of them deeply. I can't, really.

If I have to liken my way of thinking as I face this world to something tangible, it would be a brick faced with the prospect of fitting through a smaller circular opening. And yet somehow it "works."

In all the ick of this life, there is so much to be grateful for. In all the illusions of this world, there is sufficient evidence of our reality. And really, that's about all I can swallow right now. To know that life is not in vain, that this world is not a place of amusement, and that we dwell here for only a short time is a great comfort for me. I want as little of it as it wants of me. It's a mutual hate-hate relationship, and tensions are just a part of the package.

Allah is Al Karim, and His graces are grand. Thank you Allah.

Gracefulness

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

All praise belongs to Allah, He who has supreme power over all, to whom we submit. May God's peace and blessings be upon His beloved, the Chosen One, Muhammad, and his family and companions.

"I love you from the world all the way to Pluto and then to the sun and around the sun infinity times." -ibnu ukhti
It soars across the sky with great elegance and ease. Hearts are moved by its expression of freedom as it glides amongst the clouds with superb gracefulness.

Birds embrace their world of flight, and I watch them with great admiration and fascination. Flight cannot have constrains, and thus it is that which keeps the human spirit bound to its environment. Only in rare and brief moments are most of us privileged with the taste of worldly release. Only rarely do we taste truth and the freedom that it allows. Otherwise, we firmly clutch truth within our palms as we immerse ourselves in work and commitments with such intensity that all expectations of functional grace are hardly achieved.

We are expert architects in building our spiritual hearts, so much so that we successfully mute its existence and govern its imprisonment. But by doing so, we deny ourselves the opportunity to ask ourselves "Why?" Why do we not experience clarity? Why are resolutions or any peaceful initiatives not a part of our lives? Why are we unable to soar with the birds? Why oh why is the world the way it is?

We attempt to bring light to our cardiac designs through love, but often we only intensify our denial of supreme power. Love is not quantifiable and yet if we cannot encompass it, how do we value it? Or even still, how do we know that it is what we claim it to be? We open our hearts to love, and through it we find more room for angst than tranquility.

There is only one key. There is only one solution. There is only one way. His way. The way of the One whose power is overpowering and supreme. It is only through the guidance, direction, and love that He blesses us with that we may soar. And some days, we do. Some days when we submit with our entire hearts, we smile with truth. Sincerity forms our dimples, and tranquility shapes our tears. Our beings tremble with the sweetness of gratitude and submission. The world, for those moments, is clear. The heart, for those blissful seconds, is by His design.

While we walk upon the blood-stained earth, we beseech the protection and guidance of our generous Lord. May He invite us to His light. May He bestow upon our beings understanding. May He make our hearts those that seek none other than Him. May He and His beloved, the means by which He chooses, become priorities in our lives. May gratefulness be our garments and sincerity our footprints. May our steps of humility soar with wings of knowledge and complete submission. Ameen.

Breathe Easily

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Praise be to Allah, the One to whom we submit, upon whom we depend, and to whom we turn. As we approach the blessed month of Dhul Hijja, by the permission of Allah, I am reminded of an event that passed about a year ago. It was a simple yet significant occasion for me and sometimes I believe it was just that that has helped me keep afloat these last couple of months. Nonetheless, I've been near drowning, and it's only by Allah's grace that I haven't landed on the ocean's floor. I continue to wonder at the ways of this world, and even though the path ahead is as dark as could be, there is a flame in this darkness. It comes in different packages. Sometimes a Quranic ayah. A wird - daily litany. A selfless desire. A heartfelt prostration. A child's laughter. A sincere du'a. And sometimes, a tear.

The giggles, by God's grace, have returned. And for two short months, God willing, I will get to savour them. Perhaps I won't get to enjoy their company as much as time would have allowed before, nonetheless these are among the great blessings that God favours me with. Such blessings indeed.

My life's test, thus far, is only to be grateful. In my heart of hearts, I see that there is nothing I need that isn't already within my reach and dependent on my repentance and His forgiveness, generosity, and grace. But there are some things missing in my life. And there are things for which I ask Allah. As for one thing missing, a miswak. As for one thing for which I ask Allah, understanding.

And with that, God willing, may I sleep easily. And by His grace, may I rise to embrace the next day with gratitude and a desire to make aright the lump of flesh that has since replaced my heart.

From You, ya Allah, I ask for guidance and protection. Facilitate all efforts for Your sake, and make us, the believers, among the righteous, submitting to Your will, and turned to You in humble gratitude, ameen.

Burning Eyes

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

It was only three nights, but they were all followed by relatively busy days. My eyes opened before the alarm went off in the pre-dawn hours of the night, though my sleep was far from complete. Surprisingly, after Fajr I did not sleep. During the first two mornings, I took a walk by myself savouring the breathtaking sights of nature. Shaykh Abdullah and his wife walked at that time too. We would greet briefly, and then they would continue their walk on deeper trails.

I enjoyed the tranquility of the mornings as the sun peaked over the horizon. By the third morning, however, I considered perhaps catching one hour of sleep before getting ready to meet the day. But the morning air and whistling birds enticed me, and my heart refused. The body cannot rest easily without the cooperation of the heart. My eyes rebelled, and I could feel them stinging. But it was a superbly beautiful morning. It certainly was. SubhanAllah.

I feel a similar sensation in my eyes now. I think of Shaykh Abdullah and the presence of tranquil souls. I wonder at the restful state of the heart. Looking at the great beauty of the autumn leaves, I consciously avoid the effort of putting things into perspective, and that is a great injustice to the heart, mind, and soul. May it not take death at my door for truth's reality to become clear again.

A Littered Heart

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

Reminiscing...

The morning after my first night in a boarding school, I heard what sounded like rain splashing on the tiles right outside my door. "Ah beautiful rain" I thought. I desperately wanted to go see it, but I was in the peak of my illness and couldn't find the energy to move.

Eventually, I moved out from that room and settled in a room further away from the typical dorms. It was a classroom of a public school, nestled within the boarding school, that was used to house guests who could no longer be accommodated in the dormitory. It was after settling in that room that I learned that my first morning at the boarding school wasn't met by the sound of rain but rather by the pitter-pattering feet of many little girls heading to class.

Having never lived in a boarding school before and then having a bedroom in the midst of classrooms, it fascinated me how school and boarding co-existed. My schedule was different than everyone else's which afforded me a couple more hours of much-needed sleep in the mornings before I had to get to my one-hour long class for the day. By the time I returned, break time was over for the little girls and the walk back to my room was often marked by candy, chocolate, and chip wrappers strewn across the floor.

It became a habit for me to greet the two sisters who were responsible for cleaning up this mess, and often I would apologize to one as I continuously neglected to greet her with proper respect by using the plural form of address "Kayfa haalukum?" as opposed to the singular form which I was more accustomed to using "Kayfa haaluki?" She would always respond with a forgiving smile. Our conversations were usually quite simple because my Arabic is too weak and her Arabic is much too dialectal for me to have had much hope of understanding her words without taking up a lot of her time and patience (though I'm sure she had plenty in the patience department, masha'Allah).

There aren't many things that bothered me about life in Yemen, but litter was certainly an exception. Six days a week these ladies cleaned the school of garbage that could have been easily placed in a garbage bin by the guilty litter bugs. But it seemed not to bother others much, and thoughts of this type were definitely a part of my "Western baggage" that I needed to deal with.

One Western sister advised that the untidy garbage is problematic for us because it reflects a diseased condition of the spiritual heart and soul both of which need to be purified. I imagine some might want to challenge her words, but she's absolutely right. I suppose the first counter-response would be that cleanliness is an essential part of our deen. Sah, it is... but being personally bothered by the less-than-desirable habits of others is not.

For one to be able to clean the filth of others, in my opinion, points to some admirable characteristics of the soul.

I remember once when I returned from class and headed to the sinks to make wudhu. There I was met by, as you can imagine, the repulsive sight and stench of one sink clogged with vomit. When I returned much later, it was cleaned up, most likely by none other than one of the two sisters who I often greeted.

My respect for them is great, and I love them for the sake of Allah. In my eyes, they have hearts of gold and the way that they carried themselves is well worth reflecting upon. It's reasonable to expect that we may never meet again in this life, and I may never have the opportunity to thank them and to tell them how special I think they are. I suppose even if I did get such a chance, they wouldn't easily accept my words as true, such is their humility and bashfulness. May Allah unite us in Jannah, ameen.

I pray that one day we can be among the internally purified, and I pray that Allah blesses them and the many others like them with goodness in this world and the next. Ameen.

Written on March 19, 2009

Nope Squared

Bismillah


I've decided...*cough*
Drum roll please.
*drull roll*
... that....*ahem* I just don't care.
There. I-do-not-care.

Okay, okay, I do care.
But I don't want to.
Okay fine. That's not true either.
But why?
Why? With more intensity.

I don't know what irritates the heck out of me more
Why do these stupid things happen?
Yes, stupid is the peak of articulacy in this regard.
Or
Why do I not understand?
Why can I not make a triangular peg fit in a round hole.
It's a wonder, not an interrogative. Just a wonder.
Time to make the hole square I think.
Actually I don't really think so.

Not much of a rebel here, y'know.
Only with the big things like, y'know, big things
That won't irritate anyone else except the garbage man.
Blue, green, and black. It's how we sort.
And we have so much garbage to sort
While people die of starvation.

Where's the chisel at?
The hole has got to be square or just bigger
To make sense
Cuz I don't get it.
I just don't get it.

Too dumb.
Must be.

Sometimes I wonder...

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Sometimes I feel like I just have to pause my involvement in the world so that I can take a look at what's going on around me. Each person is for himself, and yet the actions of others inevitably affect us all.

Sometimes I wonder if my optimism in facing the crises of this world of ours would be diminished if I had children to raise. But I guess part of the urgency in change is to make the world more manageable for the world's children. And yet as I say this, I fully recognize that there is no equilibrium in their conditions. I guess this is the nature of the world, and when the appetites of power and privilege in men are not curbed, the conditions only worsen.

There is good in the society that I live in, but sometimes I wonder if the good outweighs the bad. The thousand and one pros and cons, ambitions and fears, and realities and illusions play in my mind. They sometimes keep me awake at night as I wonder what my role is in this chaotic world.

I am not an apologist for who I am, nor for where I came from, nor for where I stand now. But for many, all these realities are seemingly incompatible. In a recent discussion about racism and discrimination, I realized that it takes me a while to recall situations in which I've been discriminated against. My logic for this was that such acts are sourced in ignorance (and often arrogance), and by storing such incidents in my "easy recall" memory (the official term of this memory store is beyond me) I would be giving them value in my life. I don't value such things, but I value the need to change. Thus, it's necessary to examine the areas of error in order to find suitable solutions.

What am I talking about you wonder? Ah, I wish I could simplify it, but it's the complication of the world that we live in. We cannot wash our hands off of this world, and we must know that there are pockets of beauty in all this chaos. But I still find it difficult to witness greed when I know that poverty exists. I cannot accept unearned advantage where injustice exists. I cannot accept lies where morality is at stake. I cannot. And yet, what can I do about it?

From where does our world's degeneration stem? SubhanAllah... Ya Rab...

In this year's Eid ul Fitr khutba, Shaykh Ramzy Ajem mentioned that we live in a time when extreme opposites are easily visible. Perhaps in previous generations these dichotomies were discreet and only apparent to those of keen insight, but today, it defies blindness to not notice. And as I find myself reimmersed in these competing ideologies, I know that I have only one thing keeping me sane. He, the Almighty, placed me in this, and as uncomfortable as it may be sometimes, I submit to His plan for me.

I must remind myself that while the ways of this world continue and our challenges for establishing morality and justice increase, God's plan is in effect. My greatest challenge then is not to try to save myself from getting sucked into the tornado of chaos but instead it is to embrace the clarity of indisputable truth and let it be my strength. By God's grace, I know that at this point I have the means to survive this chaos where many others may not. While my thoughts walk along spiralling paths, eventually He will show me the light of balance. Praise be to God for every condition.

***The following is a very enlightening lecture by Tim Wise entitled "The Pathology of White Privilege." He articulates the interconnectedness of power, privilege, and responsibility very well and I believe that many of us, regardless of our race, need to understand the systems at work including those of divide and conquer.