Shoreline Observations

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

As I look at the world around me, I'm not really sure what to think. My mind cannot comprehend how we, people of this world, go from love to hate, or from respect to disrespect, or from sincerity to selfishness. Worse still, I cannot understand how this occurs after committing oneself to the precepts of marriage. These wonders are not, in my mind, directly linked to issues of divorce as that is a topic all on its own.

The marriage process by itself is one that is.. uhm.. I can't even find a suitable word to describe it. Suffice to say, I'm at the shoreline and keep a safe distance away from the waves, with rare exception. I suppose it is the exception that makes the endeavour worthwhile.

One night, when I was especially tired and eager to get to sleep, I returned to my room and found my roommate on the phone with her betrothed. I couldn't sleep with her chatter, but I figured that she was much too happy for me to get irritated at the late-night conversation. At last, she hung up the phone, and as far as I could tell I was finally going to have a chance to fall asleep. But then she sighed deeply and said, "Farzeen, have you ever known love like this?" I tried not to laugh out loud and was glad that she couldn't see me in the dark. "No" I said. She sighed again, and then I knew it was going to be a much longer night than I had anticipated.

The following night, however, was much different. She confided in me about her worries and sought some counsel. From what I gathered (and Allah knows best), both of them were approaching marriage with less-than-ideal intentions, and thus their specific issues were quite predictable. Given their predicaments, it seemed as though their relationship was as good as done, but a day or two later my roommate informed me that she was going shopping. "Shopping.. hmm.. now?" I asked. "Yes, for my wedding!" she said. "Yesterday you told me it was over, and today you're going shopping?" I asked her in obvious surprise. She laughed and shrugged her shoulders. I imagined things were sorted out. I do hope that she is happy and content wherever she is now. By agreeing to get married, they were both getting exactly what they wanted from their union. And perhaps this is true for many.

SubhanAllah.. perhaps that's the missing link that keeps some of us on the shore and others of us deep in the ocean. And yet all are seemingly content with their methods. We seek the most fitting means to match the ends which we desire. If the means do not match the end, then they do not suffice us and we most often seek new ways. We all have different ends and different means, no one better than the other. Perhaps marriages become especially strained when time illumines the discrepancy between these premarital expectations and reality. And God knows best.

I wonder at those who marry but don't live together. Each their own, but it's a strange regularity these days. If one is not ready to get married, then why get married? Yes, I know, because relationships can reach levels of closeness and inseparability that they become Islamically questionable. Gotcha. But you can't beat the system. Marriage comes with rights and responsibilities, and it's a shame that we are willing to accept the rights while we place the responsibilities on others. Yes, the others agree, but then again so do grandparents who find themselves raising their grandchildren. Is that the best option for all involved? Sometimes it is, but most times, I'm not so sure. Allah knows best.

The institution of marriage, I think, needs to be treated with seriousness. Enjoyment of the occasion should not excuse an abasement of its greatness, a greatness which is found in its depths. We cannot reach great depths with light hearts. Not the way I see it at least. In the Book of Intentions, Al Habib Muhammad bin 'Alawi Al 'Aydarus, (الله يحفظه) lists intentions of marriage from the work of the great Shaykh 'Ali bin Abi Bakr As Sakran. The list finishes with, "I have intended all the previous and more from whatever I control, say, and do in this marriage for Allah Almighty." And within this niyyah, this intention, I think is the greatest beauty in all the jewels of marriage.

Perhaps I speak of ideals. But if we do not pursue moral and spiritual ideals, then what will we pursue?