Wholesome Ways

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

A superior once asked my co-teacher for her thoughts about something. She responded with a less favourable response and when asked why, she said, "because Farzeen doesn't like it." She meant it when she said that as we worked closely in the same space we would be a unified team, reflecting each other in whatever we did. Initially, I thought it an ambitious vision for a work environment, but our relationship has blossomed into a friendship and inevitably has, mostly, taken on this characteristic. 

It should be said that we never started off this way. While the basics of politeness always existed, there, too, were doubts and misunderstandings which I imagine were rooted in previous negative experiences. Alhamdulillah, we have since reached a plateau of mutual consideration and trust. How? By Allah's grace alone, but if words were used to describe efforts that have been invested in this relationship - and any good relationship - they might be: 

1) Have high intentions

2) Be sincere

3) Have a good opinion

4) Forgive

5) Seek all that is good 

6) Be tolerant

7) Be patient

8) Laugh together

9) Make sacrifices

10) Share i.e. thoughts, ideas, opinions, concerns, belongings, food,  etc.

11) Be loyal

12) Apologize and appreciate

13) Be flexible 

14) Compromise

15) Be dependable

16) Respect the other's perspective on life

17) Make it for Allah's sake

***

We recently discussed the shari'ah perspective on a woman's earnings. "A woman doesn't need to give them to her husband for household expenses if she doesn't wish," I said to her. She said, "Spouses are one unit. If my husband allows me to go and work, should I not be grateful and ease his responsibilities as well? There is no such thing as "mine and his." We breathe as one, and we are one." I smiled, recalling a similar approach in my parents. "You're right," I told her. "When marriage becomes a matter of demanding rights, it's doomed." We were saying the same thing, in essence. Despite the legal flexibility for a woman to do with her earnings as she wishes, a woman who perceives those earnings in a considerate or a selfish way will likely see the fruits of that choice respectively.

Two days ago, I asked a co-worker when she started wearing niqab. She told me that her  husband asked her to wear it upon his return from hajj.  أمرني زوجي بلباس النقاب I hesitate in translating the word أمرني because as "modern" (for lack of a better word, as it is not a phenomenon exclusive to the west) women, we are standoffish with the idea that anyone, especially a man, will tell us what we must do. A woman of insight, however, will acknowledge and accept wholeheartedly the role that a husband (and father), by divine wisdom, has in the family.

It takes two to tango, and the boorish type of husband who demands of his family as he wills, without engaging their emotional, intellectual, and psychological states or simply being polite, can expect to be met by a fight from his wife, however implicit it may be. As I've seen, it may well lead to some level of deception, disrespect, and a general aura of dislike. Harsh? Yes, but a wise man knows that the way he approaches his loved ones will be how they - at their best - respond to him.

I honestly don't think everything has to be so complicated. Respect. That's all it is. Keep the nafs in check and respect one another, and sometimes respecting the other means being patient and understanding that we all make mistakes. Sometimes it takes time before we realize these mistakes and attempt to remedy them. But alas, all is entirely in vain if done for the sake of each other. It will only prosper and flourish when done for Allah's sake. May Allah protect us from doing anything except that it is done for His sake and His ridha alone, ameen.

"It's about Allah and nothing else." 

April 24, 2015