Lost In Translation

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

I can't help but feel the way that I do. With a pitted feeling in my gut and some nervousness too. It's as though I have something big in life to face, but no, this is nothing new. I've left before and returned too. It wasn't fun. Neither here nor there. Then why leave in the first place? This was and is my fate. But with almost two years building, it's a lot for me to taste.

Previously it was a year, 11.5 months to be exact. I had few reservations and no potential worries of the impact. Perhaps I was ignorant and expected that maybe nothing would have changed. How overly self-concerned to think that anyone's affairs would stop for me. But it's not that. It is beautiful for experiences to be free. Lord knows how pleasing it is to see. But again, it remains that I am still me, and I cannot see, even now, anything but a decline. I am not trying to whine but only trying to find something much deeper and greater, and to feel assured that all was not in vain. How much of life will be the same? How much worse will I be? Is there a chance that I can be a better me?

So gracious is my Lord, constantly. But specifically, in those days long past, Who sent an unexpected friend, a golden pearl, to whom some details were passed. But even greater, with whom the meanings and essences were clarified. Intensified. Partially realized. I have lived with those words by my side, inspired I'm sure by the One who guides. And I try to remember the clarity of that brief encounter and the confusion that followed, but perhaps I have lost more than I know. The ability to decipher. The ability to grow. No, I do not accept. There is nothing to regret. There is nothing lost, but only another beautiful bridge that is nearly crossed. 

I'm still struggling to prepare the inward to meet the outward. I have weak answers to the big questions. All attempts failed at an introspection. Expectant are the tears, for they are my glue. Always offering me a subtle clue. Ways of the heart are built, as you know, in parts. Insights and experiences are weaved together as brilliant art. It is what we need, the process. And by it, we can truly reflect on life and attempt to assess. Are we nearing our personal best?

I have changed, but meanings are often lost in translation and perhaps I will not be understood, by myself or others. I must learn to translate the essence of the meanings and not so much the words. The strength of my intentions and not so much the weakness of my actions. I must learn to forgive what I do not understand. To respond with a helping hand. I must learn to close my eyes and hold my tongue. To speak with thoughtfulness and to think without emotion. I must learn to unhear what I cannot handle and let patient gratitude be my candle. I must want for myself nothing from the hand of another. For truly, I seek only my Lord's good pleasure.

اللهم إني أسألك رضاك والجنة وأعوذ بك من سخطك والنار

آمين