Forever Incomplete

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Nothing new here... The same sentiments have since been observed, realized, and written. But perhaps variance in articulations will inspire strength... and change.

I can hear the unexpected sound of rain upon rooftops. Their pitter-pattering forms a lullaby as souls move freely and bodies enter the realm of silent sleep. I wish to be among them, but the rain rarely sings me to sleep. She usually awakens me and begs from me a thought or two. Why are you as you are? What is your world all about? Are you ready for your end?

I fail in my answers tonight. I know very well that I hold an unruly amount of shawq for that which concerns this world. I didn't ask for it, and yet for many reasons I consider it a gift. Regardless that my longing is for something that is grand it in its own right (at least in my opinion, but this could be the point of error), it's not for me and it's not my place to want for myself other than what my Lord wants for me. So I ask myself, what does my Lord want of me? What should I be doing? Where should I turn my heart and how? Is anything of this world supposed to serve as a cushion during these aspirations? I try to test myself to see if my heartfelt inclinations are at all legit, but I never really know the truth of them. I have no certain resolution regarding them.

Instead I try to focus on what I do know. There is door is in front of me, and whether I want to or not, I have to open it, and I have to enter through it. I want be eager to do so because this door was put in front of me by Allah, and I should be grateful. I am. I don't want to use the word "but" now, though it is the only word that fits the sentence. But something is missing. This entryway is a trifle, in my opinion. Do what needs to be done and then close it and move on to that which is food for the soul. That which is a struggle in an envelope of sakinah or tranquillity. I'm not seeking ease or ideals since my life is already no one's definition of ideal, but I seek peace and purpose and the confidence to know that my aspirations and efforts are worthwhile and not found to be burdensome on the day when we will see the true weightings of what we're engaged in.

From this depth, one would naturally advise having a great concern for one's intentions. They need to be guarded, rectified, and refreshed repeatedly. But there is still a missing link. I now know its name but I won't name it here right now. First I must learn its true value and then I must be convinced that if it was from among my needs, truly, then it would be provided for me. As it stands now, relief is far because the difficulty of the situation is embedded in my thoughts and are being transferred to my heart. This is the result of weakness and lowliness.

And from where shall there be strength? Well, now this is all sounding quite cyclical. Did the chicken come first or the egg?

What is it that we want from our lives and this world?

Written on December 6, 2011