Attempts

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

"In a time of darkness and greed, it is your light that we need. You came to teach us how to live. Muhammad, ya Rasul Allah. You were so caring and kind. Your soul was full of light. You are the best of mankind. Muhammad, khayru khalqi Allah. Sallu 'ala Rasuli Allah, Habibi-l Mustafa. Peace be upon the Messenger, the Chosen One. From luxury you turned away, and all night you would pray. Truthful in every word you say. Muhammad, ya Rasul Allah."
Maher Zain - The Chosen One - Al Mukhtar

Last winter, I was offered a good job at the same time that an opportunity presented itself for me to study Arabic overseas for about three months. As per my usual practice, I consulted my family and attempted, with little success, to consult a couple of other respectful souls whose opinion I value. Suffice to say, after much strife, I turned down the job. Some may call me a fool for doing so. Though penniless, I don't regret it.

Those who know me could well expect that I would want to extend my trip to longer than three months. My return ticket was booked for this December, but Allah's plan has already come to pass. Perhaps accepting the job was a good idea because I couldn't afford the fees that were quoted for private study. The tentative plan was to study for three more months privately and then to find a school to enroll in. None occurred. Though it was a seemingly quick decision for me to return home, it was a sad day for me. Its memory remains as such, but it too cannot be regretted.

Interestingly, one day while at school, after greeting one of the directors (if I can call him that) at the Arabic institute, he asked me if I was happy."Do you want the honest answer?" I asked. He did. I told him I wasn't. But happiness has never been my goal. It's not a thing of this world.

I turn 30 this year, inshaAllah, marking 30 years of life lived. While this blog stands testimony to my efforts to define my world and to check myself, I'm still lost in the darkness of my nafs. It's an ugly place to be. I have no way out of it except by His mercy. Allahumma irhamna... irhmana ya Kareem.

I'm changing my ways, tweaking them where I can, as best as I can. Minuscule attempts, but attempts nonetheless. I'm changing up my approach. I'm taking the time to breathe freely. But I don't trust my steps. Atawakkalu 'ala Allah. Perhaps I'm falling into the worst of my errors in the name of an attempt. But I'm not interested in playing the game of life. Most will fault me for it, but I won't try to explain myself. None know what's in my heart. I prefer to get to the point, and while that definitely requires going through the motions of life, it can never be trivialized. In all my attempts, at least I can say the errors are my own. When they fall upon my face, it will be for me to deal with alone.

Allahumma ihdina....ya Rabb Al 'alameen...
****
There are no words for this...

U7ibuhum fi Allah. Allahumma ihdina faghfir lana. Allahumma farij 'ala al muslimeena wa al muslimaat fi kulli makaan. Ameen.


The speech of the grand mufti of Syria at his son Sarya's funeral.

Strangers

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

None are familiar and none have the potential to be more than strangers. What can we say of another? This and that, the trivial and frivolous. Favourite this or that, inclined to and repulsed by. All ineffectual details that make the mundane, the every day, seem more familiar, more controlled, more owned. Deeply buried is the heart in random details. Can its flavour ever be shared?

Of utmost importance is how little we know of our own selves. Occasional discoveries are made from time to time on our own. Sometimes we embrace the boxes that others put us in, other times we reject them, and yet other times we respond with indifference. The box of another's musings need not our attention when the framing of our own introspective attempts are obscure and distant.

Who are you?

Really, who are you?

From dust to dust, what is there to boast about in between? What is worth claiming in the short interval of our worldly sojourn? We are all strangers to each other and more severely to ourselves. There are none to diagnose this vagueness, and perhaps that's the point entirely.

For what can a stranger be praised? Nothing. A random act of friendliness or kindness is praised, but the stranger himself is not, in essence. We, too, have nothing in ourselves worth crediting because we can't know that what we find in ourselves is truly from us and truly a part of us. But we can know, and must know, that what we find in ourselves and around us is by Allah's will, grace, and generosity.

Our strangeness points directly to Allah's sole existence. Only does He truly exist. That is to say, only is His existence worthy while ours is entirely dependent on Him. Only He has definite characteristics. Only He is without need, and only He can be praised. And really, only by Him can we know, in truth, who we are and what purpose our beings serve.

We are foremost heedless of our covenant. بلى Distracted by pointless information, we miss the very point of our existence.

May we be guided to renew this covenant in mind, body, and spirit. May our actions, thoughts, and words be adorned with sincerity and humility, and may they be proof of our servitude. Ameen.

اللهم إنا نسألك رضاك والجنة، ونعوذ بك من سخطك والنار
آمين
****

Imam Ahmad narrated from Anas bin Malik who narrated from the Prophet صلى الله عليه و سلم, saying:

يُقَالُ لِلرَّجُلِ مِنْ أَهْلِ النَّارٍ يَوْمَ القِيَامَةِ: أ رَأيْتَ لَوْ كَانَ لَكَ مَا عَلَى الأرْضِ مِنْ شَيْءٍ أ كُنْتَ مُفْتَدِيًا بِهِ؟ قَالَ: فَيَقُولُ: نَعَمْ، فَيَقُولُ: قَدْ أرَدْتُ مِنْكَ مَا هُوَ أهْوَنَ مِنْ ذَلِكَ، قَدْ أخَذتُ عَلَيْكَ فِي ظَهْر آدَمَ ألَّا تُشْركَ بِي شَيْئاً فَأبَيْتَ إِلَّا أنْ تُشْركَ بِي

It will be said to a person from the People of Hell on the Day of Judgement: "If you had all that is on the earth, would you have ransomed yourself by it (from what you are in)? He will answer "Yes." Allah will say, "I had wanted from you something less than that. I took the covenant when you were in the loin of Adam, that you should not associate with Me anything. However, you persisted in joining associates with Me."

[Al Bukhari 334 and Ahmad 3/127]