I'm sorry...

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

I'm sorry. I cannot make any excuses for my insolence. I cannot explain myself, not in any comprehensible way at least. My reflection is far more loathsome to me than the sparks that you see spewing out from it. I try to keep my distance as I know that the volcanic pool cannot be tamed except with a profound understanding that few can claim. I do not want to leave a trail of charred remains. Eventually it will settle, bi ithnillah, but while it gushes and spurts with a vengeance, I am forced to live with it. There is nothing more I'd like than to be rid of it, or in the least, understand it. But understanding is a gift and comes only when He wills.

Interestingly, I had a flicker into the source of this angst very recently, and it was a horrible and frightening realization. I'm learning that those who despise lies are actually keenly adept at lying as they can disguise a lie with a mask of truth, honour it, and live by it. But eventually lies manifest themselves, and the only thing of worth in my being, I realize now, was an illusion. An ideal truth, but whose reality was far from embraced. Such was the depth of the lie.

It's fair to say that I'm understood by few. But if you take the worst from me, you'll find the worst because I do not have the strength to transcend your opinion of me. A flower will not grow in a bed of rocks and that's about all I can offer now. A handful of rocks.

If I could mute my state... If I could trace history and pick out a point of tearful submission... If I could, then perhaps a smile can return. In the mean time, I am learning more lessons. A beautiful medicine can become a vile poison. Of this, I wasn't aware. Such is my naivety. But naivety is a flimsy excuse. I offer no excuses for my insolence. I am as reprehensible as you see me, even more so.

I need to embrace hope, but I don't see the light. I ask, and He hears. I plead, and He hears. I am impoverished, but He is Al Ghani. I am lowly, but He is Al 'Ala. I want to want for me only what He wants for me, but I don't know how. I'm in darkness, but He is An Nur.

I wish I could relieve you of the burden of my company, but such is not in my hands. Nonetheless, I'm empathetic to your situation and pray for the best.

اللهم ارزقنا بحبك و بحب رسولك الحبيب محمد عليه الصلاة و السلام و بحب القرآن الكريم و بحب سنة سيدنا محمد صلى الله عليه و سلم. اللهم افتح قلوبنا إليك و اهدنا الصراط المستقيم يا ارحم الراحمين. اللهم نسألك حسن الخاتمة يا الله يا عظيم... آمين

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"Do you think that you will enter the Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They encountered suffering and adversity and were so shaken in spirit that even the Apostle and those of faith who were with him cried: 'When (will come) the help of God?' Ah! Verily the help of God is (always) near!" [2:214]



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"Be mindful of God, and God will protect you. Be mindful of God, and you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, ask of God. If you seek help, seek help of God. Know that if the whole world were to gather together to benefit you with anything, it would benefit you only with something that God had already prescribed for you. And if the whole world were to gather together to harm you, it would harm you only with something that God has already prescribed for you. The pens have been lifted and the ink has dried."
--Prophet Muhammad [peace be upon him]