Broken Mirror

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Raheem

Two months have almost passed, plus almost a year gone by. The me once known is lost in those far desert sands. Looking in the mirror I can't say what I see. Without any articulacy, written or oral, I'm no longer able to find the words of me. I want to scream, though no sound shall come. What meaning is there in this life of mine? With no definition of my being, only wasted breaths I can count. Even still, I won't keep up for the numbers are great. O my Lord, I depend on You, You have already written my fate. I thought I once held a dimly little candle, but now I see it not. What makes my eyes fill with this lacrimal water? Why hasn't this soul of mine at last surrendered?

I thought the world was open to me. My eyes saw wider, and mind grew deeper. Exposed to those from among the best, should I have some of their charms? I'm at my front door, but the key no longer fits. I want to know, where is the solution, my mind a remix. No sweetness in it I find. Two months of confusion, no one of my kind. I'm sinking in the quicksand of my nothingness. Reminiscing on what once was, life's a fuss. Singing a song of constant frustration. Life's many blessings I enjoy without a doubt. Where is the source of these thoughts? Where is the me I thought I once knew? The me, in all my faults, was still me. She now who I see, she's something new. Maybe there's good in her, I haven't a clue. She's of the weak. She's of the slow. She's of those whose mark is the little they know. Discipline mocks my being. It hurts.

What happened to those cherished as true? The ones that defined my world, not limited to only mes and yous. Like a gingerbread man, I see the crumbs of my existence. The pieces falling apart. The road a lot dustier. The road with no signs. The road far away from a straight line. Maybe it has to be broken before being rebuilt. Searching for any pieces. Trying to fit it together. Simple peace is repelled.

There's light in this tunnel, there has to be. My faith can't shake or there's no hope for my survival. I must retain some dignity. Be one of integrity. Where am I going? How'd it get so dark so quickly? My heart aches, and I fail in my duties. Walking and walking, I'm hitting the same dead end. Lost, and lost again. Is this front moving or in reverse? There are twists. The block can't be pushed. The barrier can't be conquered. It has no definition.

There's only One with me. Closer than my jugular vein. No person can understand this pain. No person can understand this pain. No person. Only One knows my needs. I need to do my part. I must find my way. O God, help me find the way.... O God, I ask only You, help me find my way. Help me find my way. Ameen.

3 comments:

iMuslim said...

Ameen.

Shireen said...

Ameen!!


Allah subhanahu wa tala is with the patient my dear... Insha'Allah slowly but surely the heart becomes whole through the rememberance of Allah subhanahu wa tala and all things become clear! Insha'Allah

Unknown said...

Ameeen!
How far she has come; passed through the tunnel, and now helping others cross. Perhaps her journey was just not her own, but one she had to go through for others. A person there to understand, when like she did, a person feels there's no one to understand.

"Do you think that you will enter the Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They encountered suffering and adversity and were so shaken in spirit that even the Apostle and those of faith who were with him cried: 'When (will come) the help of God?' Ah! Verily the help of God is (always) near!" [2:214]

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"Be mindful of God, and God will protect you. Be mindful of God, and you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, ask of God. If you seek help, seek help of God. Know that if the whole world were to gather together to benefit you with anything, it would benefit you only with something that God had already prescribed for you. And if the whole world were to gather together to harm you, it would harm you only with something that God has already prescribed for you. The pens have been lifted and the ink has dried."
--Prophet Muhammad [peace be upon him]