Reflective Dust...

Courage

2012-01-10T00:08:00.008-05:00

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

How do you know if this love that you claim to have is really a part of you?

Has it been tested? How do you know if it's true? Is its return conditional? Or does it suffice to remain only inside of you?

Is love the thing that inspires change? Is it at the root of longing and hope? Does it beg for loyalty and defy the signs of impossibility?

Is love a thing that must be shared? Will it last in seclusion?
How do you know if the love that you claim to have is sincere? How do you know that it is true?

Sometimes I want to know.

Most times I'm too afraid of the answer that I never ask the question.

Dec. 13, 2011

Perchance

2011-12-07T21:48:00.007-05:00

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

While I remember emotional and psychological reactions to people in my dealings, I am notorious for not remembering names. One such sister was referred to as "Khala Chibbies" or something to that effect. She used to make fries (or chips as the British might say) at the girls' boarding school that I visited a few years ago.

One late afternoon when a couple of my housemates stood in line in front of me waiting to purchase some fries, one of the girls - a native English speaker around 18 years old - decided to whine about the wait. And that she did. I listened to her for a while, just as I had done on a few previous occasions, before I finally suggested that she not address the khala in such a way. What really impressed me, however, was the blank reaction from the khala. She neither frowned at the girl's rude behaviour nor did she verbally respond. She simply attended to her work in what appeared to be peaceful silence.

During one of our chit-chats, I learned that this khala's day started early in the morning. She had to take a long walk to get to the school to make fries for hours because that was a necessary source of income for her. If my memory serves me correctly, her husband had passed away. Allahu yarhamuhum wa yubariku lahunna, ameen. She would carry large buckets, by herself, filled with potatoes from the kitchen, sometimes putting one bucket on her head while carrying the other in her hand. I once offered my help, but she refused me with a smile. Perhaps it would have been more difficult for her to watch me trying to carry the burdensome load than to carry it herself. May Allah bless her and all the others working hard for His sake, ameen.

There were other "khalas" that would frequent the school each day to sell a variety of random items including henna, jewelry, snacks, stockings, and a lot of other stuff that I cannot recall. I wondered about their stories, but my interactions with them were severely limited due my weakness in Arabic and my absolute ignorance of the local colloquial dialect.

I wonder to what extent women work in such countries out of necessity compared to those who work for the sake of indulging their interests or time. My family is what some might call "traditional" in that my sisters and I weren't raised with the idea that we need to have a profession nor do we need to work except if conditions made it necessary. Alhamdulillah wa shukr lillah 'ala kulli haal. Rizq is from Allah. My parents, however, always encouraged us to learn and to strive to do good. I'm grateful for this because I hope to never find myself working for the sake of earning alone.

While I recognize that I'm saying this with a sturdy roof over my head, a filled stomach, good clothing, and more luxuries than most people in world would even think of, I hope that if I ever find my circumstances changed, I will remember that Allah is Ar Razzaq, the Sustainer and the Provider. I hope to never find myself dependent on my efforts for my needs, but rather that I depend on Him entirely - most Glorified is He.

As I face the idea of entering a short-term commitment, I remind myself to be grateful. It doesn't matter where my heart is when Allah is the One who governs my affairs. Ideally, my heart should be in complete submission to His will.

My hope is that I can enter into that which He facilitates with the right intentions and to behave in a way which is most pleasing to Him. For this reason, I'm especially looking forward to the upcoming opportunity, inshaAllah, to sit at the feet of our teachers. Perchance I may take something of their wisdom and knowledge. Perchance I will be able to gain clarity in my life and rectify my actions before my death.

InshaAllah wa ameen.

اللهم افتح علينا و تقبل منا إنك السميع العليم العظيم... آمين

لا أستطيع

2011-12-03T22:35:00.002-05:00

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

I dabbled with my pen
To lend a voice to my heart
It bled a brilliant colour
And I knew not where to start

But words found their places
As sincerity took the lead
Guiding a heartfelt initiative
Cradling a promised seed

I regret not a moment passed
For all must be will definitely be
But I wonder about the invite
That repeatedly calls to me

Never can I forget
The strength of truth's hold
An everlasting union
Beyond jewels and glittered gold

For the weakness I blame my nafs
As it fails to disengage a heart
Feeding an old thirst
Unrest will play its part

The target I expect to miss
But I'll cheapen not a single shot
Hardship is an expected bit
As truth, my friend, can never ever be bought

Smile...

2011-11-18T01:05:00.002-05:00

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

يا أبا عمير...ما فعل النغير؟
Ya Aba 'Umayr, ma fa3al al-nughayr?
O Abu Umayr, what did the the nughayr [a small bird] do?
الف الصلاة و السلام عليك يا حبيب الله

I don't need to close my eyes to see it. I still see it. Although having missed the chance to return it in the flesh, the world of the arwaah has since opened enough opportunities to compensate the shortfall. When slumber faces the world, indulgences are endless.

If I placed my heart upon a glass tabletop, what would I find? It's colour will likely be charred with perhaps only a single drop of brilliant red colouring. It'll have random scuff marks and boast an arrhythmia. Hard to the touch, it would be a thing of great wonderment. I'd cradle it in my palms while searching for a well-known, hidden portion of sponginess. With no more than gentle pressure, I would gently remove the portion, in its entirety, and place its remnants on a mattress of sterile cotton. Then I would caress the blackened clump hoping to ease the pain of its tiny though substantial loss.

This certainly sounds like a cruel way to return a smile.

I wonder about the interaction between a little boy and our beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him. The demise of the boy's bird was cause for the boy's sadness. The Prophet, salla Allahu 'alayhi wa salam, cheered him up by saying: "O Abu Umayr, what did the small bird do?"

I would love to hear the wise insights that have been gleaned from this one sentence. Superficially, one might comment on the act of a busy man attending to a child in his moments of sadness. But wisdom is not in doing what is unexpected, rather it is in doing that which is rarely thought of and even less frequently acted upon.

أين أنت في حياتِنا يا حبيب الله؟

I wonder about the wisdom encompassed in a shared smile. Sharing things of beauty are not negligible experiences. For whom do we reserve our smiles? Are we so tremendously lacking in our appreciation of our circumstances and so self-involved that we keep this heart-moving curve of the lips and twinkle of the eyes to ourselves?

I'm hardly suggesting a charged movement to pasted smiles and heartless gestures. Rather, I wonder at sharing the treasure of actions that springs forth from the sincerity in our hearts. In voicelessness, a pure smile can say we care. How profound it is to not only share it but to also inspire it. A beautiful gift indeed.

Ask Earnestly

2011-11-07T13:00:00.008-05:00

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

يَـٰٓأَيُّہَا ٱلنَّاسُ أَنتُمُ ٱلۡفُقَرَآءُ إِلَى ٱللهِۖ وَٱللهُ هُوَ ٱلۡغَنِىُّ ٱلۡحَمِيدُ
١٥:فاطر

O mankind! Ye are the poor in your relation to Allah. And Allah! He is the Absolute, the Owner of Praise.
Faatir:15
The blessed first ten days of Dhul Hijjah have passed, but not without leaving an imprint. It is in this month - especially so when the pilgrims are adorned in the apparel of the deceased - that it is evermore obvious how impoverished we are before our Lord. Although entirely dependent on Him, we fail to readily acknowledge our lack of influence in meeting our elementary needs let alone anything else. Sure enough another reminder has come, and it is up to us to act on it.

I have been remembering my dreams quite vividly of late. A few days ago I savoured one throughout the day, but this morning was quite the contrary. It was one in which I was sure that the wrath of Allah was upon me and thus I found myself making istighfaar. If my destruction was ordained, then my delayed istighfaar would likely have been in vain as was the case with nations that only sought refuge in their Lord after bearing witness to the punishment that they were promised for their lies and evil ways. I woke up too soon to find out the reality of my situation, but my accelerated heart rate was a reminder that dreams are sometimes a thing to consider.

Some of us may have not seized the gifts that these last ten days offered. Perhaps we even neglected to take our share of the bounties that were showered upon this world in Ramadhan. Nonetheless, we must know that we have until our deaths before all hope for reform is lost. The challenge, obviously, is that the timings of our deaths are unknown and our lives are in vain and utterly pathetic when they are void of beseeching our Lord's mercy and continuously turning to Him.

If we reflect on our lives, we will note that He gives us whatever it is that we sincerely seek. Eventually, in some form or another, He grants us those desires. So why do we not hope for the desire of being close to Him? Why do we not hope to worship Him and praise Him as is most appropriate for our existence? To acknowledge our lowliness before Him is to understand the signs of His unfathomable greatness that are constantly before us.

Simply speaking, we need to find sincerity in our hearts and ask. He gives us every excuse for His mercy, undeserving as we may be, and He gives us every opportunity to draw close. But we need to ask of Him, and we need to strive in His way.

The companions of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, would ask Allah for every single need. They would even ask Allah for salt that might be within arm's reach. Why? Because they knew that everything, without exception, is from Him, and He is the only provider. Unlike many of us, they did not put their hopes in the means, but they took solace in the Source. Allah. La ilaaha illa Hu.

When you ask of anything, ask Him. No specific day is is the best day to turn to Allah and seek His forgiveness and good pleasure, though some days and times (like tahajjud) support such beautiful endeavours.

As the sacred month of Dhul Hijjah continues, intend to make aright the wrongs in your life and heart, and let gratitude be your adornment before death becomes your companion.

وَإِذَا سَأَلَكَ عِبَادِى عَنِّى فَإِنِّى قَرِيبٌ‌ۖ أُجِيبُ دَعۡوَةَ ٱلدَّاعِ إِذَا دَعَانِ‌ۖ فَلۡيَسۡتَجِيبُواْ لِى وَلۡيُؤۡمِنُواْ بِى لَعَلَّهُمۡ يَرۡشُدُونَ
١٨٦:البقرة

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the supplicant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright.
Al Baqara:186

Updated 28/11/11

I'm hesitant in sharing this here because it could be counterproductive if misunderstood. Nonetheless, it is a weighty gem worth reflecting on and seeking further clarification about from our scholars.

Your asking Him is a charge against Him. Your asking for Him is [due to] your absence from Him. Your asking for other than Him is due to your lack of modesty in front of Him. Your asking from other than Him is due to being far from Him.
- Hikam #21 of Ibn Ata-illah

A commentary of the above hikam states:

There are four ways the servant asks and all of these are faulty:
(1) asking from Allah,
(2) asking for Allah Himself,
(3) asking for other than Him, and
(4) asking from other than Him.

[As for the first], asking for something from Him is an accusation (charge) against Him. If the servant put his trust in Allah to send him his needs without asking, he would not demand anything from Him.

[As for the second], asking for Allah Himself is [a sign] of being absent from Him, since the person already in His presence does not ask [for Allah].

[As for the third], asking for other than Him shows a lack of modesty on the part of the servant. If he were modest in front of Him, he would withdraw from what He dislikes such as asking for other than Him. Not mentioning other than Allah nor preferring anything over Him are among the types of modesty that He has a right to.

Finally, asking from other than Allah is due to the servant's remoteness from Him. If he were close to Him, others would be far from the servant and he would not ask anything from them.

Therefore, all asking is faulty according to those who declare Allah's oneness and know Him, regardless of whether this asking is concerned with the Truth or creation. However, the exceptions are asking in order to keep good manners with Allah, to do so as an act of worship, to follow Allah's command [al-Qur'an 40:60], and to express one's need and poverty. In these cases, asking Allah has no fault in it.

Rebound

2011-10-04T22:37:00.003-04:00

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Q - What is the perfect definition of having a good opinion of Allah (حسن الظن بالله)?
A - To have full certainty in your heart that Allah deals with you and gives you according to that which He knows is best for you (not good for you but best for you).

[Al Habib Husayn As Saqqaf - April 21, 2011]

***
Thoughts of children fill my mind. There is a lot that we can learn from them - not necessarily in terms of what they say and do but rather the combination of both phenomena as they relate to how they are as people and how they develop. For example, the other day I noted how politely my nephew asked his brother for a plastic bat as the two of them played some version of hockey whilst their beloved little sister - a newcomer to the world of walking - insisted on having a share in the game. I figured that he would probably consider his casual request of "Can you please pass me that stick?" as insignificant and normal. And really, in the world of ideals, being polite should not be unexpected. Nonetheless, I recall many occasions in his short life when he's been reminded, "How do you ask nicely?" or "Hey, you forgot the secret word!" or "Is that how you ask for something?" Like all of us, he wasn't born into this world knowing what makes up acceptable speech. Progress in this realm has required the sincere concern of his caretakers - his parents namely - to teach him, and repetition and discipline have definitely been a part of the equation.

So how does this simple, "no duh!" point relate to adults? Our nafs is a child in many respects and needs to be chided, reminded, and disciplined much like children. As we grow into adults with a solid awareness of what is respectable or praiseworthy conduct, we realize that there is still a mischievous, lazy, and easily-distractable part within ourselves, and sometimes we are entirely ineffective in curbing its child-like inclinations to whine and indulge itself.

While I toss around such thoughts in my mind, I note the craze in this world for people to improve themselves. Advertising speaks to both the childish nafs that wants ease and comfort, and it speaks to the brain that says "challenge yourself to be better" - better looks, better money, better accomplishments, better socializing, better everything. And sometimes better is only realistically sold at the price of discipline and sacrifice. Thus, we have 1001 diets, programs, videos, etc. inviting people to work hard to lose those extra pounds, or the ridiculous fast-paced work environments of vile characteristics that ask people to "suck it up" and push on if they want to "make it" and other things.

So perhaps the nafs has opportunities to be disciplined and such efforts are more common than I'm aware. Personally, I'm not sacrificing anything at all, and popularized endeavours to deal with the pain of getting ahead is not the least bit appealing to me. I don't think I could motivate myself nor discipline myself enough to achieve even sentiments of a single fad.

Then where is one, such as myself, supposed to find strength when preparing to reproach one's nafs? I can only really think of one piece of advice when attempting to answer this question even though the greater meaning of it is lost to me in practice. A teacher advised one to be connected to those of similar spiritual aspirations. In one word, he advised suhba or companionship. I suppose before I reach clarity in this advice, I must learn what it means to truly have a good opinion of His creations and how to interact with them deeply.

My personal inclinations of suhba are largely embedded in quality and not quantity. Regardless, it is a concept that currently escapes me and thus it is one which I must struggle with should I hope to be even mildly deserving of its fruits.

Think deeply, live deeply, die peacefully... inshaAllah.

Started on Feb, 28, 2011 and completed today.

Nothing Else

2011-09-14T02:15:00.006-04:00

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

During a long car drive earlier this year, a fellow passenger commented that marriage is in crisis. I disagreed but said nothing as she went on to explain herself. She meant the process of getting married. While I agree that challenges exist there and in marriages as well, I find it erroneous to consider "marriage," or any part of what it means, in crisis. People are in states of crisis, not marriage. Mentally, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually, people are confused and yearn for harmony.

Before much more can be added to this introspection, it must be said that it is a great blessing that we each have a relationship with our Creator regardless of any despicable level we may reach in our servanthood. He is deserving of all loyalty, praise, and aspiration. It is only by His guidance and decree that what we may find clarity in this world of conflicting messages and ideologies.

I have since tossed her words around in my mind as I tried to find an angle from which the prism could appear transparent. It is a difficult process given my own cowardice. I said as much to her that day as I put out different scenarios with the hope that one would inspire a clear perspective.

It is all too easy to get into discussions about how we, people, attempt to honour conflicting values in the same embrace. But such discussions yield nothing because trying to join opposing principles will, naturally, lead to disaster.

In all truth, we cannot put the deen on one end of the scale and justify any other weight; no matter its shape, size, or appeal. Whatever it is, it will always take things out of balance since the deen - that is, divine guidance and the exemplary teachings of our Beloved 'alayhi assalaatu wassalaam - is balanced. It is complete justice. It is complete unity. It is complete harmony.

And yet you'll read my words here and say, "But it is completely ideal and nearly impossible to achieve." This is truly the point of disagreement. Though difficult, it is not impossible to achieve. We laboriously choose not to let go of some things for the sake of reaching it.

Yet again, in my myself I find that words are all too easy and smooth while actions are utterly absent.

I will say though that another person's words in a different context have embellished this whole reflection and offer me clarity. "This isn't about me and never has been. It's about Allah, and nothing else." It is an ideal that is rare to hear and even more scarcely lived by, but it serves as a glorious ambition all the same.

May it be lived by the soul that was graced to express it, and may it saturate the hearts that are ennobled to receive it. Ameen.

Unknown

2011-09-12T02:16:00.004-04:00

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Less than 24 hours ago I dreamt that I was in Yemen. I don't remember much else about the dream, neither the scenery nor the circumstances, except that one of my sisters was with me and after settling our lives there we had to leave. It was perhaps a replay of a situation that occurred some eleven years earlier in more northern soil.

I heard from a friend recently. She was the same one with whom I walked through the flooded streets of Sana'a during our return home from the grocery store one night. She said to me then, "Do you know what makes Yemen different than other countries?" I thought for a few moments but soon gave up and asked what it might be. "In other countries, when it rains the streets get cleaner, but in Yemen the streets get dirtier!" I laughed. I told her today that I missed Yemen. She said that I shouldn't since there is nothing to miss. My heart is with them as times are tough.

I often think of another sister who I met there. In a quiet moment together, she once expressed the helplessness she felt as a poor woman who was unable to, in the least, find out about her husband's health as he remained in the hospital for more days than anticipated. All I could think to say at the time was that these tests of patience are not in vain and it is not a wonder that the poor will be among the first to enter Jannah. I haven't heard from her in a long time, though I've heard she is bedridden with ailing health. May Allah make things easy for them all, ameen.

These thoughts often tumble in my mind, and they inevitably invite me to draw parallels to life here. But where can I begin, really? I don't look at the world as I did before I went to Yemen, but I don't attribute this change of thinking to that experience alone. Some of the most unexpected lessons were taught to me upon my return. And, true enough, aging has played its part too. The difficulty for me now lies in putting the pieces together. But, is it worth it?

I have this unfortunate tendency of wanting to understand situations, as few and rare as they are, that are near to my heart, be it good or bad. Not understanding or not having enough insights to even try to understand is.... distracting.

Some criticize me for "never" saying what I want, but not saying does not mean not knowing. I do seek clarity but pursuing the means to such an end is sometimes a luxury. I suppose some matters of the heart will remain forever as they are. Thus, I pray for the strength, wisdom, and resolve to delve into the matters that will ease the suffering of a putrid soul, inshaAllah wa ameen.

Insanity's Witness

2011-09-05T02:35:00.002-04:00

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

It is rarely abated as it runs in the blood like a virus. Where does weakness find rest? Words, a mere disguise for truth, yield nothing. Answers are no easier sought here and now than there and then. Stillness is an unachievable experience. But it wasn't. Is there something to be learned from the past? It is a wonder that what is missing was once a succulent fruit whose taste lingered enough to make each choice worthwhile.

Now every choice must be mistrusted. Every venture considered worthless. Every intention negligible. Every desire damned. Every thought flawed.

Perhaps it was said once not to give up, but instead to find the strength needed to straighten the strays. To grow in wisdom while facing doubts and inadequacies. To feed the heart more than paper-pleasing diction. To persevere despite turbulent weaknesses. The strength of such advice is faint. Ears no longer suited for such wise counsel.

Many speak to be heard, but patience in the face of blabbering is short lived. Rarities speak to honour the gift and blessing of communication. To say love is not to be love, but to live love is to proclaim it. Fanciful words that few to none can embrace or even deserve. How is it to read the same line of the same book and take rest in the same word but adorn such vitality with a ghastly interface?

Inspiration is lost in this drunken stupor. Veils are burdensome. Lights are securely blackened. Not a soul might understand the multiple layers of such coiled musings. Its meanings are twisted so tightly that not even the author can unravel them to the point of gainful clarity.

Indeed, a darkened heart is a secure witness to half of insanity.

Unimaginable

2011-07-29T01:23:00.004-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

My last reflective blurb ended with a question: "What do you want out of life?" The difficulty in answering this is, as I see now, that the question itself is flawed entirely. Life cannot be about what we want. If it is it, then we know nothing about the pursuit of soulful submissions and struggling with ourselves to taste their sweetness.

The question must be more urgent than what we want. Wants are fanciful. Some of them we reach and others must escape our thoughts as they remain strangers to our lives. Some are purposeful and others are purposeless, almost useless. It is truly a matter of what we need.

What do we need from life?

If random people were asked, "Do you want a million dollars?" Most, I imagine, would say yes. When asked, "What would you do with that much money?" Most, I imagine, would be unsure about using most of it. A wonder, isn't it?

Ironically, it is easy to speak of wants but troublesome dealing with needs. If wants go unfulfilled, we know that we will be alright all the same. But if needs are neglected, we know that the consequences will eventually catch up with us.

We don't need to drink seven to eight glasses of water a day. But people try to do so anyway. We don't need to eat seven to eight servings of fruits and vegetables a day nor any other specifics that an official food guide might suggest. We need only eat good food, and enough of it to live or to simply stand straight. We don't need to be popular or respected, but we need to know, for ourselves, that we are honourable and dignified.

We don't need the keys to the treasures of this world, not even the simplest of them, nor do we need to adopt a facade of piety. We need to be honest with ourselves, and we need the strength to spend a moment, if only a single one, in the dark waters of true solitude and silence. And in that moment, we must force ourselves to face our realities. Who are we? Where are we? Where are we going? What do we need to get there?

Unimaginable are moments of true insight.

Soon to follow...

2011-06-11T22:07:00.003-04:00

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

There she is, the Rajab moon, looking upon us as she reminds us that Ramadhan is coming soon. I look to one side and see the comfort of the world I'm in, the one that can mute the rest of the world out, unconcerned and unmoved. I look to the other side and I imagine their fears, their tears, and their unrest. My unrest is unwarranted compared to theirs.

The other day, as I lost my thoughts in two hours of kitchen duties and the sounds of Arabic nasheeds, I found myself in a pendulum moving from thoughts of joy to reminders of struggles. I remembered the people who I once called a friend. Those who were upset with me when I failed to share reasons for my sadness. Those who I spent hours with in unexhausted conversation. Those who considered my ears worthy of their woes. Those who offered me a hug when I needed it the most. Those whose advice and insights I always seek. Those who I hold near and dear to my heart, and the one or two that I dare call a good friend. Some have since moved on, married perhaps, perhaps just better settled in the comfort of their families. Others are a hand's span away but utterly unreachable.

Despite using a fan strategically placed by my father for my comfort, the heat of the day and the stove was still ever present for me. "Not quite desert heat," I thought with a smile "...but heat nonetheless." The scent of freshly barbecued kebabs wafted its way to me as family members opened the oven and helped themselves to lunch. I smiled. If I closed my eyes at that moment, I could have almost experienced a step in Sana'a bustling streets, perhaps passing a street vendor as I contemplated lunch options.

I'm blessed. My family is well, but they're not my only concern. Violence in Sana'a, in Cairo, in BenGhazi, in Damascus, and other places enter my mind. A smile cannot survive such thoughts. I hope for some correspondence that will inform me that those who have touched my heart are well. A selfish hope, but a hope nonetheless.

Years ago, as my friend and I discussed travelling overseas to study at a certain school, we talked about the difficulties that singlehood could offer. "You're a hopeless romantic!" she said to me. I still haven't figured out why. It just didn't seem easier to travel with a spouse and have him staying in one school while I had the opportunity to pursue my studies in an adjacent school. Practically speaking, I said to her, "How would I know if he was ill? Or if he had eaten well?" For me, these concerns have nothing to do with romance. They're simply a part of caring, even if only considering a hypothetical situation.

Romance... caring... love... perhaps they all add up to the same thing to some extent. I then thought about the infamous Layla (Majnoon's Layla). Few look at her perspective on things, perhaps because of the enticement of Majnoon's eloquence. Undeniably impressive eloquence, but kalaam nonetheless. What did Layla's silence say? Perhaps this question is worthless, but I'll indulge it all the same. Given the option to marry him but to also bring shame to her family due to his open declaration of love, she attempts to disengage her feelings for him and instead marries another. Her emotions eventually get the better of her (and him no less), and they both die of broken hearts. Quite the drama indeed, but I credit her effort of sacrificing her desires and her beloved's for the sake of greater good. It's not an easy task, but life sometimes requires that we walk firmly on the path of self-denial.

The question is simple, "What do you want out of life?" But the answer is one of the most difficult to provide while being ruthlessly honest with one's self. A dishonest answer will only lead to a tangled web. I realize this now. In my attempts at answering this question, I find myself saying, feeling, thinking, and living different things. While this stems from my weakness, I must stand by the strength in my kalaam and hope that the rest will soon follow, inshaAllah.

اللهُمَّ إنِّي ضَعِيفٌ فَقوِّ في رِضاكَ ضَعْفي، و خُذْ إلى الخيْرِ بِناصِيَتي، و اجْعلِ الإسلامَ مُنتهى رِضاي
اللهُمَّ إنِّي ضعيفٌ فقوِّني، و إنّي ذليللٌ فأعِزَّني، و إني فقيرٌ فأغْنِني، بِرحمتِكَ يا أرحمَ الرّاحمين... آمين

هي جنة - حمود الخضر

المشتاقة

2011-05-17T22:08:00.004-04:00

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

I gesture to wipe them away, but they've yet to be shed. Harboured deep inside, given no voice, they're hardly said. But the heart has forgotten not, for it delights at the knowledge while grieving its cessation. Perhaps it's greed that incites a palpitation. Stillness occurs but rarely. And in such moments, one wonders. Perhaps it is an infatuation. Perhaps it is a hopeful mirage. Time continues to take its course, but the voiceful echo of "This is true!" resounds firmly. Thus questions float and tears halt. How can they descend in a desert? A heart that harbours only its desires is at manifest fault.

So let the will to transcend overcome the invitation to wonder. What has passed will remain complete, and what will come is not by one's personal accord. This is a lesson most cannot afford. For choosing other than the way of good is not an option. It is a notion that will never be indulged. Its consumption releases a poison. Death before death is ignorance. Truth is beyond us and belongs to Him.

May we live in His way, by His laws, earning His closeness and good pleasure. May we be strangers to other than what He wills. May we be firm in progressing, in loving, in existing for His sake alone. Ameen.

جمعنا ربنا
هو يعرف ما في قولبنا
هذه نعمة منه
فنسأله وحده
الخير لنا
و الفتح علينا
و القربى إليه
جل جلاله
آمين

Update: 04/06/2011

My statement "death before death is ignorance" referred to the death of the spiritual heart before the physical heart. But here is something else to think about in terms of truly living.

Imam Abdullah ibn 'Alawi al Haddad was heard to say, "We should now be counted with the dead for all our worldly appetites have died and we find in us not the slightest inclination nor desire for anything of this world, whether it be food, clothes, or any other thing; and in all these I find no pleasure. However, when food is placed before us we eat what we can to conform. This has been our state for quite some time now. Prior to this, I had for these things a very weak inclination which has now disappeared, even though you may observe me behaving and speaking differently with the people. The Prophet, may God's blessings and peace be upon him, has said, 'Die before you die!'" He once remarked that those who come to know the illusory nature of the world become detached from it even though they may be disbelievers who expect no Day of Judgment. He said, "All religions have united in vilifying it, yet all the communities to whom those religions were sent are united in loving it. And he remarked that as much as a third of the Quran is aimed at dispraising the world and encouraging people to renounce it.

[Sufi Sage of Arabia, pg. 40-41]

-H20

2011-05-16T23:28:00.003-04:00

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

All praise belongs to Allah, Lord of the heavens and earth and all that exists. All gratitude is due to Him, He who is the source of peace.

Clothed in silence, it must not matter that words fail to encompass emotion, intent, and existence. Each day, the essence goes a little deeper becoming a little less accessible.

We each hold our breath as we eagerly dive deep into the waters of life ambitiously exploring an oxygen-less world. But with each enjoyable dive, we must return to the surface. And that we do, time and time again, to take our share of necessity before we plunge into the depths below.

But I wonder, what is it that engages our efforts, time, and interests such that we exert ourselves to disillusion perceiving ourselves as capable of frolicking in a water-filled world? Perhaps it's not an illusion, but a hope that extends beyond good sense.

I will myself to leave the enchanting waves, but my will goes no further than knowing that at some point I must return to the truth by which I was created to live. In the movement of undercurrents, I search for the meaning of life above the surface. Ironic, isn't it? From beneath the surface I stare in wonderment at life above wondering why existence seems so effortless.

We were created for and with a purpose, and each part of that which makes us who we are will only serve us in achieving that purpose. It really depends on whether we are wise enough to learn how to use these parts in the way that befits their very existence, or if we shall continue exerting our beings in ways that do not serve our purpose all the while wondering when and how we can achieve the goal of our existence.

يا أرحم الراحمين فرج على المسلمين ...آمين

A Great Purpose

2011-03-23T00:10:00.006-04:00

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

الحمد لله رب العالمين و الصلاة و السلام على الحبيب محمد المصطفى و على آله و صحبه و سلم

All praises belong to Allah alone, to whom we ask for guidance and protection, upon whom we depend, and to whom we will return by His grace, mercy, and will. Praise be to Him who has placed us in this world and has not created anything with idle purpose. Gratitude is owed to Him who has elevated human kind and made subservient all of His creations for our benefit. Transcendent is He whose rights over us are obvious and certain and whose mercy is encompassing and generous.

In recent days, He - most glorified and exalted is He - blessed this humble community with an honoured guest. Many sipped at the fountain of his knowledge, character, and his efforts to call people to strive towards states of greater insight and purpose. As I reflect on the last few days, I'm still very much at a loss for words as my heart still tries to absorb the whole experience. It is a sign, and signs by their nature point to something other than themselves. Shaykh Yahya Rhodus, in his talks that punctuated the lessons given to us by Al Habib Umar bin Muhammad bin Hafiz, - الله يحفظه - repeatedly mentioned that a return to prophetic guidance and Quranic teachings are not only possible but necessary. The only thing that holds us back from achieving anything of this sort is ourselves. And really, it requires a great deal of reflection on our current circumstances and what we want out of our lives, and it requires sincerity in making changes to reach our lofty potential.

It is not befitting for humans, those of sound intellect, to doubt their Lord's majesty, transcendence, and supreme power over all things. And we must recognize that in His infinite wisdom and generosity, He keeps opening doors for us, one after another, to improve ourselves and to cleanse ourselves of the stains, hardships, and angst that we adorn ourselves with as we label it reality. "Reality" is that we have a limited time to live in ways that call to good and that recognizes our position in this world. Interestingly, lessons in these last few days, as I saw them, cradle messages quite like those that distinguished revelations in the Makkan period. That is to say that they seemed to invite us to establish a firm belief in the Oneness of Allah, to recognize His Lordship, and to see His prophet - may peace and blessings be upon him - as one whom He has honoured and by whose example we can learn to rectify our states both outwardly and inwardly.

Taking a step back, we must ask ourselves: Why do we love our teachers? Why are our hearts moved by their presence, prayers, and words? Why do we feel as though opportunities are lost when we cannot attend gatherings with them? Why do we shadow them and wait anxiously for their counsel? Because they, unlike us, have grasped wisdom, revelation, knowledge, and understanding with a passionate ferocity and made it their life's concern to live in the service of that which is pleasing in the sight of Allah. They are the ones who when they read "..and these are the successful..." in the Quran, they heed the advice and persevere with Quranic counsel. They are the ones who do not belittle prophethood and its role in their lives. They are the ones who turn away from cheap prices that are offered for their soulful identities, and instead they live saying "labayka Allahumma labayk." This is where we all need to be. But at the beginning of all this rests one thing - knowledge.

Perhaps we look at our beloved shuyukh and teachers as some sort of GPS units that will lead us to the state of raised human conditions. Perhaps excitement for their company comes from the anticipation that they will lead us to our destination. In some ways, they will. But they're not "quick fixes" for us, and we must prepare ourselves to work, to learn, to struggle with ourselves rejecting all that is perceived as norms when they go against prophetic teachings. We need to be active in our movement towards greatness, but awakening an almost dead heart is not easy, and it is only by Allah's generosity and grace that we will find ourselves with the means to do so.

I like to look at the past few days as part of the means, and I pray that the good that has been gathered can be utilized and eventually increases with Allah's blessings. It is a great and severe error and a great and severe mockery of good to neglect striving to lead better spiritual lives.

As I say this, I know there will be many slips ahead, but Allah is generous, and we must maintain a good opinion of Him and depend on Him for guidance. And we must know that He will facilitate that which is best for us, and He will take care of us.

ربنا تقبل منا انك أنت السميع العليم و تب علينا انك أنت التواب الرحيم يا ربنا اهدنا الصراط المستقيم يا أرحم الراحمين يا أرحم الراحمين يا أرحم الراحمين...آمين

Tangles

2011-03-15T19:13:00.003-04:00

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

لا حول و لا قوة الا بالله العلي العظيم
When there is a conflict between active engagement and serene submission, we will find that our manifestations of both efforts are amiss. If I perceive something as good and pursue it full heartedly only to find myself in tangles of frustration, then I must know that at some point I am failing to submit. Submission is not to be idle but to recognize where power and governance of all affairs lie.

Certainly, these matters are far from every brain cell that we are able to juice and every resource that we are able to grasp. Sometimes the point of correction is simply in one's motivations. When an intention is soured, an act will be impacted. So indications of unresolve or imbalance sometimes point back to the beginning of the act as they invite us to correct our intentions and to follow through with the act so that it serves as a reason for worthy gains instead of the opposite.

A Step

2011-03-14T03:58:00.004-04:00

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

May it bubble and frizzle and do the wonderful things it is meant to do. May it sparkle and shine. May it settle and incline to the ways of its nature. May it awaken to the reality of its existence. May it flourish and reach unimaginable depths. May it breathe easily. May it taste peace. May it know life. Ameen.

This world is a mad house in many respects. It baffles any claims I have to my own sanity. It lies repeatedly. It defies logic relentlessly. I have been inclined to write about its absurdities but never seem to find the right words, those that get to the heart of what is really going on. Behind these veils, there are signs that need to be uncovered, polished, and savoured. But often times it feels like a task almost unachievable. Little progress is made beneath the veils of darkness.

But you know what? Sometimes, sometimes, there are flickers of light. No, not hope in this respect, but a hand to hold while on treacherous grounds, one that makes stability a useful word. We cannot have stability nor strength nor progress in anything that itself is finite. As always, truth must be beyond the tangible. Love must be beyond the visible. But such moments are rare, almost non-existent.

I want to hope for them. I want to carry them. I want to share them. There is chaos masking a world that begs to return to its state of peace. For those who care to see it, its success is existent, and it is possible. We must see beyond ourselves, beyond that which might make us worthwhile even in our lowly estimations. All we are for ourselves now, in this preliminary stage of existence, is a rebellious inner being, a rebellious nafs. But her end will come soon, and the part that we would like to wholeheartedly embrace is waiting patiently for our gentle touch. If all goes well in part one, we can then reasonably hope for a sweet reunion bereft of the stubborn, hardly satiated, and rarely disciplined part of our worldly selves.

But do we have the patience for such a logical, clearly outlined step?

It is only a step as it is very brief and can hardly be considered a journey. But perhaps we don't consider steps, by themselves and in their independence, as significant. Do tell, how many steps does it take to land in a puddle? A mere step should you be close enough. Know that both expectant realities - that which we fear and that which we hope for - lay securely at our sides. When our single step ends at the call of our deaths, we will know the consequences of our choice. Choose well, think carefully, and lift you foot with utmost care. May it be favoured with His mercy and grace and be amongst those that are showered with His ridha... ameen.

The Voice of A Stone

2011-02-16T23:54:00.005-05:00

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

"Your life you must one day ponder
So evaluate and remember
Now and not later
Now and not later."
- Muhammad al Haddad
I had the great opportunity to attend a blessed gathering a few days ago. But truth be told, the most peaceful moment for me that night was when I returned home, stepped out of the car, and raised my eyes to gaze at the luminous crescent and crystal-clear night sky. While resting my head against the car door and inhaling the frigid winter air, I had to ask myself yet again, "Where are you going?"

It seems I've been asking myself this question for a long time. Thoughts that I scribbled in books some nine years ago are no different, in essence, than much of what I've written on this blog. I don't find myself any stronger, but I only see a deep weakness. Sometimes we need this weakness, sometimes. Regardless of my state, may I never find myself ungrateful.

I'm regularly flirting with ideas of travelling or with sipping at the fountain of engaging thoughts. Although I have made attempts in various life progressions, I'm still standing impoverished and unchanged. Entirely unchanged. I'm still waiting for the rain, though I wonder if I should be really waiting or rather I should welcome its unexpected arrival. At the heart of it, I can't help but consider this helplessness a great blessing. Nothing of my hopes or endeavours have materialized, and yet I know that my Lord is taking care of my affairs. But I also know that I'm not right with Him, and within that which He has empowered me to do, I must make a mark - as insignificant as it may be. I must. Again, I wonder how. From here, so smoothly is the voice of a stone released...

***
It feels unreal. Perhaps like a chapter from a book. A fish in his bowl listens to the words, and it is nothing more than that. Words or some imaginary phenomenon that last only as long as one is reading the tale. This is life in my eyes.

If my silence whispered anything to a listening ear, one who dares engage my presence, a presence that only inhales oxygen and exhales carbon dioxide, it would say, "I don't want the sun, moon, or stars, but truth." What is truth? For me, it is to stand in the midst of the desert, with chapped skin, dusty robes, and nothing more than an aura of peace and contentment. Gone is the crown of a title, the status of earnings, the value of aesthetics, the strength in oratorship, the tangibles. In the desert, silence allows the soul to speak and leaves hearts to rest.

The desert need not be formed of heat and sand dunes. Whatever its form, ya nafsi, it is where we must be, by the grace and permission of Allah, most glorified is He.

Written on March 26, 2010

الله المستعان
ارحمني يا الله

Shared Thoughts

2011-02-05T13:29:00.005-05:00

Bismillah

I've been meaning to write here for quite some time, but I haven't given myself the time to collect the remnants of my thoughts into anything substantial. My sister, however, has written this wonderful poem that speaks to me on many levels. Masha'Allah, it is like a breath of fresh air on a hot summer's day.

***A Peace That Sings

By Shireen

My soul breathes a breath it has never quite taken before
So crisp, so clean, so pure
And a giddy little grin will peak upon my lips
For no particular reason, just a peace within sings so deep
And though the meaning of life’s lesson is upon me now
I can’t help but feel that I know nothing of anything, but to God I remain, to God I bow
Time and time again we search, we befriend but in the end there are things that remain questionable
Should a friend really be so textable?
Really, is there nothing else to do other than keep us entertained
Twitter, or Facebook, Blackberry or Iphone, Google and Amazon E books
It’s all the same really, friends too many
One or two may know me
But never have they given me this feeling I feel
This ease, this lightness upon my chest, this gushing goodness of “man, God is Indeed The Best!”
Why? some may ask. Wasn’t that a test?
Yes, but a test is only a question mark away from a reward
Will you submit to that which you cannot control? Or will your choice be hard, and dramatic turmoil?
I resolve with, I need not fight if I have the angels fighting for me
I will not wander blindly when I have light making a way clearly
I will not speak ill of what’s meant to be, when I have the All Knowing watching over me
I will not be among the ungrateful, before I become alone just me and me
My life is a breath of fresh air for which I pray lasts until I return home
Though fears I have, it’s not something any human can console
For words don’t come when I try to speak it, just thoughts and only God Knows the Meanings
So I stop here.
Praising the All Knowing, The All Wise
Hoping for the best, fearing my weaknesses and begging for success!

Love & Fear

2010-12-14T22:49:00.007-05:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

I was probably about seven years old when I was slapped across the face by the only adult who has ever raised a hand at me. It's not that I never deserved an occasional smack, but I'm grateful that the adults in my life favoured a merciful option in raising me. As for the exception, it was actually the hand of a Quran teacher who, surprisingly, accidentally struck me instead of my sister. And for that, I consider it a blessing.

After that incident, my father removed my siblings and I from that class, but there were no alternative classes. My parents both grew up with teachers who hit their students, and I think that sometimes my mother felt that we lost out by not continuing to attend. Despite reading the Quran with much difficulty and losing a Quran teacher, I appreciated my father's decision. Perhaps I figured that I could not learn in an environment of fear so leaving it only opened an opportunity to find a new path.

I mention this event because recently I have been contemplating the interaction between love and fear. For reasons best known to Allah, I wanted to love the Quran even though I feared Quran classes. But how does one go from fear to love? Or rather, how can one overcome one's fears well enough to embrace that which he loves?

At the heart of both fear and love is the recognition that only Allah is deserving of the manifestations of both these emotions. He is the One who has power over all. The dominion of the Heavens and Earth and all that exists and has ever existed and will ever exist sits firmly with Him and belong solely to Him. One might even say that our love of Him is inherent, though we are obliged to nourish it. Is love not something that grows when fed and withers when neglected?

When we love or fear something for other than His sake, then it must be from our weakness. Neither can be considered worthwhile when not for His sake since they must be emanating from our desires, and one who follows his desires alone is treading a treacherous path.

But when we love for His sake and simultaneously find ourselves cradling fears for other than His sake, which one takes the lead? Fear I imagine. Why? Because both love and fear return to having a good opinion of one's Lord. We have a good opinion of our Lord when we love for His sake, and yet we have an unbefitting opinion of Him when we fear for other than His sake. Our worthless fears form a wall that prevents us from embracing the good that He guides us to. Having a good opinion of one's Lord necessitates abandoning one's unfounded fears by putting one's trust and dependence in Him, Most Glorified is He.

I'm not sure if what I'm saying here makes sense to other than me. I see the lack of clarity in trying to articulate my thoughts, and perhaps that's partly because these thoughts are still immature and have yet to ripen. Or maybe this is as coherent as it gets for me. Either way, as a final thought (though it might be stretch to figure out how this connects to what I've said above), I am again reminded of some words that were kindly shared with me one day... "As it's said, if the veils were lifted you wouldn't choose for yourself other than what Allah has chosen."

!الله أكبر و لله الحمد

Dreams, eh?

2010-12-12T07:48:00.005-05:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

It's a little drabby in here eh? It's been like that for far too many months, and though I've sensed it, I've felt disempowered to change it. In fact, I was contemplating a dusty demise, again, but suspected that within a moment of shy insight it might be regretted. Perhaps this is that exact moment.

What's missing, I see now, is the right or even the liberty to dream. The excitement and beauty of dreams is that they are unrestrained. Close your eyes and desire yourself to fly, and soon you will see yourself soaring the skies, perhaps even playing with birds should you desire. Dreams don't need to be frizzled with perceived reality since it offers limitations, the absence of which is really one of dreams' greatest attributes.

But is dreaming sometimes dangerous? The realist or even the cynic in me thinks so, but in my heart of hearts, I know that it is too dangerous not to dream. The world becomes dark and gloomy and bereft of sweet hope (a characteristic that dreams inherently offer), and to see it in such a way is to err. It is to fail to see beyond human error - our own shortcomings - and it is to disallow ourselves the simple chance to embrace some of the Creator's wisdom and generosity.

The sad irony is that by not dreaming we think ourselves as the possessors of wisdom, and we can erroneously convince ourselves that we are capable of deciding what we deserve. Truth be told, we don't "deserve" anything per se because we are intrinsically worthless. We are continuously dependent on God for our subsistence and we are eternally indebted to Him for our existence which is far removed from our will. Nevertheless, we enjoy much - our eyesight, movements, speech, joy, flavours, thoughts, love, compassion, touch, laughter, and all the tangibles that life has to offer, among other things. Again, these are delights which our Creator bestows on us, but beyond these things that we so often take for granted, do we limit our perception of what He can and will favour us with?

If success emanates from ourselves, then it necessarily must be limited and confined. It must be prevented from embracing seemingly accessible delights because we are prone to failure. If all things depend on us, then we would have little room to place our hopes and aspirations and we would crumble by the burden of being the source from which we succeed. But then what are we? Perhaps, we are simply passive vehicles that carry hope, those that relish - or sincerely savour - the good that the world offers, by God's decree, while we also actively praise the One who deserves all praises because He is deserving of all praises and we direct our gratitude to Him for His limitless favours on us.

So what does it mean to dream? I don't know anymore as I've silenced many of my dreams, perhaps I even turned the sweetest one away when it was almost reachable. Maybe to dream means to take one's positive energy and to use it to do good. And when the fruits of goodness come our way, it is to embrace them and to know that given all our human weaknesses these delights are not the fruits of our own efforts but the fruits that God bestows on us when we pursue the avenues that He opens for us and when we depend on Him for our success and wholesome existence.

Perhaps.

و الله أعلم

Fried Eggs

2010-11-28T23:15:00.004-05:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Last night I dreamt that I had made fried eggs for someone. I don't think I've seen fried eggs turn out as badly as they appeared in that dream and perhaps that's precisely what inspired the rest of the dream where we began a joint effort in making them again. The thought of possibly wasting eggs aside, it was a nice dream for me, one that I've enjoyed throughout the day. Why? Simply because some company is hard to come by, and I'm grateful for it even if occurs only in my dreams.

They say it is better to be in the company of good people than it is to be alone, but it is better to be alone than in the company of bad or evil people. But how do we determine that which makes for good company? Is it not relative to those involved? In many ways, I think it is. I think everyone has their own gauge, but I wonder if people who share similar ideals gravitate to each other or not. Instinctively, we would say that they do, but how is it then that their loyalty and zeal for each other's company fades away?

I am trying to reach a thought here (which I previously attempted and failed) about divorce as it is an ever-increasing occurrence that I would like to have some reasonable way of understanding. Divorce, as I see it, cannot inspire a tremendously beneficial discussion - in general - because each situation is unique and one cannot comment on a couple's decision to divorce unless one knows the details involved. Often times, it's not a black and white process. One doesn't have a checklist saying, "You messed up here, here, and here... Three strikes, it's done." With a union as deep as marriage, a decision as weighty as divorce cannot be simplistic.

I should mention, before indulging other thoughts, that I appreciate that the stigma surrounding divorce is challenging. I've seen, even experienced, the pain of divorced loved ones, and I know that if people knew the weight of that heartache, the wise from amongst them would keep their judgments to themselves.

Is divorce a trial? It can be. Is marriage a blessing? It can be. Neither marriage nor divorce are a trial or a blessing in and of themselves. They are separate phenomena which can manifest in our lives in either which way. My point? Simply that divorce cannot be disregarded as it carries its worth and has a very specific function much like marriage has its function and its worth.

For me to try to better understand divorce, I think I need to consider the very beginning of marital unions, namely the process of "selecting a suitable spouse." I can think of at least five divorced couples who had good indications not to marry, and often I wonder why they did. But I realize again that I probably wouldn't understand their reasons since we all have different inclinations.

SubhanAllah.. Again, I don't feel like I'm getting any clarity on the topic, but perhaps that's just because it is a complex issue that is perhaps partly the harvest of devaluing and neglecting prophetic practices...and Allah knows best.

May the Almighty bless the believers with righteous spouses and unite them for His sake alone. May He make it easy for divorced believers and grant them His pleasure and blessings. May He protect and guide the children who are lost in the confusion of their parents' struggles, and may He help us all to rectify our ways and inspire us to strive to come closer to Him, ameen.

A Great Plan

2010-11-17T02:32:00.003-05:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Sidi Abu Hasan al-Shadhili said,
"If you have to plan, plan that you will not engage in planning."
Despite such good advice, many of us try to ballpark some of our life plans. And then, as I so notoriously did for a year, we conduct a mental countdown to their anticipated execution. When alas the countdown is done and the plan is no more than the thought that formed its simple beginning, we go into overtime wondering about it calmly while remembering that the timeline was a mere hopeful estimate. After a few more months, however, we begin to realize that the plan may not come into effect and thus we attempt to convince ourselves to see it for what it seems to be - an illusion.

Such incidents should serve as a lesson not to cradle long hopes, but sometimes it's a lesson that is tough to learn. Perhaps this is because during the time of such inclinations we pray that Allah takes things out of our hearts if they aren't good for us and our iman, and yet all the while these things continue to remain firmly in place.

So how do we make sense of it all? I'm not all that sure yet, but for starters I'm reminded of a particularly striking occurrence in which one said, "It's heartening to see such certainty that what's best will happen. This way one is neither overjoyed or dismayed either way." I often wonder about these words as I had previously never really considered the balance of emotions and how they connect to one's faith. It is an intriguing perspective whose elaboration would certainly be insightful.

Is that to say then that some signs of security within the indulgence of hopes is not being overly excited when they come to fruition or overly saddened when they remain untouchable? Perhaps. Kullu shayin 'inda Allah, and again perhaps some deeper reflections on certitude in God and our internal reactions will prove to be extremely beneficial. In the mean time, it's a goal worth striving for as it appeals to the internal sense of balance and submission. Nonetheless, the better option, ideally, is to live one day at a time, neither dwelling too long on the past nor pondering tirelessly about the future in this world.

The irony of world-based hopes it that they, by definition, must have an end. But eternal hopes, if materialized and gifted to us from the Most High, glorified is He, are lasting. So which ones should we strive for? Which should we cling towards?

Our intelligence knows the best way to go, but we are weak and we incline to other than the way of patient submission. Part of being human is to err, but part of being a great human is to correct one's mistakes when one is able.

Just recently, I thought it perhaps a worthy attempt to try to channel more energy into reflecting on the world of the unseen. There is a lot that is happening within it, some of which we are intellectually aware but much of which we are soulfully heedless. Maybe we need to open our consciousness, for example, to the many angels that go about their work, those that accompany us at certain times and those that leave us at other times. Or perhaps we should begin to reflect deeply on how animals react to the unseen world such as a crowing rooster or a braying donkey.

Yes, perhaps this suggestion to reflect on a world that we cannot see is a bit peculiar as most of us are inept in its practice, but really, it has to be a part of who we are. How then can we prepare for our own deaths if we are oblivious to its approach and the promises that come with it? There will, without a doubt, come that day when we will be unable to make excuses for ourselves, and we will be held to account for our ambitions and actions in this world. Are we confident that we'll meet the day with favourable outcomes? No, we aren't. How can we be?

Indeed, these are the events worth anticipating. These are the only events for which we need to prepare and plan - a great plan indeed.

May Allah, the Guide, make easy that which is best for us and our relationship with Him and may He protect us from anything that distracts us from Him or burdens or hinders our relationship with Him, ameen.

Clarity Amidst Noise

2010-11-02T23:03:00.002-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Some advice from Habib Umar (الله يحفظه)...

Taken from Radical Middle Way.

The Ceaseless Tissue Box

2010-10-23T02:37:00.007-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

When I packed my bags, I packed a lot of tissues expecting that I would need them when I arrived at my destination and knowing that I wouldn't know where to get any. And I did need them, but not for the reasons I anticipated. I find that the older I get the more frequently I need them, but for reasons that I never succumbed to before.

When we're young, we look at the chaos in the world around us and we see our parents' worry for us. As we grow, our concern becomes less about their reactions and fears for us and instead becomes our own - for them and for others. We try to protect ourselves from the problems, but it seems impossible because we soon learn that we are indeed the problem.

How can we be so heartless? How can we be so selfish? We call ourselves intelligent creatures. Indeed, this is from the favours of our Lord, but we are ingrates. He gives us our intellect and we use it to harm His creations. And yet we know, we know very well that the pain of another is no less than the pain of our own. And yet we persevere. Why, tell me, why are children sleeping on streets? Why are their homes blown to smithereens? Why are innocent men being imprisoned and tortured? Why do men abuse their wives? Why do wives cheat on their husbands? Why is one person's life more valuable than another's? Why? Why?

I don't know why.

Should I know why? If I know the reasons, will I be able to rationalize them? Will it ease the heart and cease the tears? No. No it won't. Because there is no excuse for injustice. There is no excuse for oppression. There is no excuse for causing intentional harm and failing to seek solutions.

Other than discarded tissues, I don't know how to make sense of this world. We hear and we try to obey ya Rabb. But we fail. So we, too, are no more innocent, though our crimes have different names.

Prophet Nuh, peace be upon him, called his people to guidance and rectifying their states. For 950 years he invited them to change their ways, to return to their Lord, to make aright the grave wrongs that they cradled in their hearts and lives. After 950 years, they met their end in the flood. And now, what can they say for themselves? Their lives in this world are insignificant, moreso when compared to infinity. Even their 950 years of subjecting a Prophet of God to harm all passed. This is Bani Adam. O Children of Adam. O Children of Adam. Where are we?

Babies are being born into this world, and I hope for each and every one of them to know the delights of this world, as I hope for all those who are living. There are only two delights. The first is to know one's Lord, and the second is to love one's Lord. Most of us don't have an inkling of what these mean.

Which brings me to my final point. Conversation. We converse with ourselves all day, every day. In our sleep, we too venture with our souls following their tunes. Our dialogue continues. But in the great silence of the night, when the mind tries to hush and that inner voice tires, we have emptiness. If in all our conversations with ourselves, our world gets no better. Homeless children are no warmer at night. Oppressed people are no more free. Families are no more loving. If such is the case, then we must know that there is a great conversation missing in the picture of our lives.

And He says to us in those blessed days of Ramadhan, come. Come. And our response should have been and should continue to be Labayk Allahumma labayk! - At Your service, O Lord. Here I am! But we don't respond because we're not listening for the call. We can't hear it. We've silenced it in ourselves through our ignorance. When He says to call on Him, the All Hearing, the All Seeing, we respond with heartlessness except when met by trials. Why? Because perhaps in times of ease we think ourselves self-sufficient. La. La.

We said. We gathered together and said balaa! - yes! Our Lord addressed us, "Am I not your Lord?" And we said "Yes you are." But we don't even know what that means. We don't even know what that means. Ya Allah...

Ya Rabb, I don't understand this world, and I don't see my place in it. I want nothing of it except Your good pleasure, for me and my loved ones and all those who have even a bit of heart left. I see why this world is a trial, ya Salam, ya Aziz, ya Jabbar. We ask only You for peace. We ask only You for strength. We ask only You for protection from the evils of ourselves and of others. If You are not pleased with us, there is nothing for us to take from this world. Nothing. Guide us to You and to that which pleases You. Let us not despair in the condition that we have put upon ourselves. Teach us what it means to have a good opinion of You. Ya Allah, nasaluka wahdak. We ask only You ya Allah. Ighfir lana wa irhamna ya Rabb al 'Alameen. Ameen.

اللهم إنا نسألك رضاك والجنة، ونعوذ بك من سخطك والنار
آمين

*****
Something to think about...

A Golden Pearl

2010-10-20T16:52:00.005-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

I am sand, and I live beside the ocean. I spend my days treading the beach looking for that special spot where I'll be most useful. One day, as I settled myself amidst some beautiful rocks that glistened with rays from the setting sun, I noticed a particularly sparkly object laying subtly on the rocks not too far ahead of me. It was a pleasant sight that I relished for a moment. But before I could give it a second thought, the tides came in and the pulsing ocean reclaimed it.

Some years later, as I sat on the beach taking in the refreshing air, I glanced to my right and noticed it again. At once I knew that we had met before, but this time it seemed more enchanting than I had remembered. It was during this gracious encounter when I realized that the object of fascination was in fact a pearl, a golden pearl. I approached it slightly and then retracted. Gems of this type are not left alone for the likes of me to claim. Nonetheless, I stayed close by until night fell and it once again disappeared from sight.

Thereafter its memory could not be forgotten thus indicating that a closer encounter was inevitable. When it occurred, thoughts that this may be an ordinary stone or shell that simply had its own charm was dispelled. No, this really was a pearl, but it hid itself well. This pearl that perhaps was as ordinary as other shiny objects could only be seen clearly when resting in my midst. But again, I reminded myself that I was unfit to keep it from the ocean. I loosened my sandy embrace, and with a final sparkle it easily slipped back into the engulfing waves.

I often visit this part of the beach hoping for at least a glimpse of it, but hopes of such an occurrence are fanciful and unrealistic. Perhaps it's better that I close my eyes and savour the thought as a dream while I leave reality to take its destined course.

I Am From...

2010-10-17T00:41:00.008-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Last year one of my homework assignments was to write an "I Am From" poem noting some elements that have helped shape the person that I am. It was an interesting though challenging endeavour as I wasn't sure which aspects to include and which to exclude.

Given that the poem was available for my classmates and professors to read, I think it served its purpose. Nevertheless, while I appreciate some parts of it, I think it fails at getting to the heart of reflecting on one's history. This poem speaks about the outward (in an unbalanced way) despite my reality being inward. Perhaps one of these days I should attempt a re-write wherein the outward and inward meet.

I invite you to try writing something about yourself. And if there is anyone exceptional enough to appreciate the privilege of reading your words, then do share them. Perhaps you'll find it a fruitful and insightful activity.

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal.

***
I Am From...

I am from the thundering of Mosi-o-tunya,
guavas, and mangoes.
I am from burglar bars, guard dogs,
and monkeys stealing snacks.
I am from the cradle of basket weavers,
live bait, and creative knickknacks.

I am from the sweat of my parents
whose sacrifices are my comfort.
I am from a dinner table set for eleven,
discussions until twelve,
and "give me a chocolate bar, and we'll call it even."

I am from the heat of childhood games.
I am from the coolness of calm tempers.
I am from the heights of stamped passports.
I am from the depths of spiritual awareness.

I am from the melody of unstoppable giggles
and the sensations of milk and cake.
I am from the selfless counsel of elders and teachers
who evidence threads of wisdom in all that they've sewn.
I am from weekend barbeques, powdered Tang,
and a face much like my own.

I am from three date fruits and a sip of water,
and I am from a smile.
I am from the tranquil echoes of the muathin
calling to servitude five times a day.
I am from the footsteps of Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him.
I am from his legacy.
I am from his way.
[Insha'Allah wa ameen!]

October 5, 2009

Heartfelt Reminders

2010-10-14T00:06:00.006-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

In the midst of clarifying their relationship, I witnessed one saying to another, "...but this isn't about me and never has been. It's about Allah and nothing else." From the outside, one can only wonder what a relationship contains when it is framed by such a delightfully peaceful thought. I often think about these words as I wonder how this wisdom can become a rule in life rather than an exception.

It is easy enough to begin relationships for Allah's sake as sometimes that's precisely what brings people together. But over time, relationships can easily transform into an "it's all about me" attitude inviting a troubling decline and far too many points on Shaytan's scoreboard. But surely there must be a way for the pitiful residue of such relationships to be salvaged and reformed to their glorious beginnings.

I found some direction to my thoughts in Imam Ghazali's, rahimuhullah, chapter on "The Duties of Brotherhood in Islam" in his voluminous work Revival of the Religious Sciences (Ihya Ulum Ad Din), but I couldn't help but feel that with a lack of adequate knowledge, training, and practice, most of us (myself foremost) are a far cry away from fulfilling the duties of our sisters and brothers in Islam. Perhaps that's why the text even speaks of a contract of brotherhood such that both parties understand the nature of their relationship and feel obliged to honour it, to make excuses for the other, and to see faults in the actions but not the person, among other things.

I really am a world away from figuring out how things work in this world. Where do respect and love meet? Where do they depart? In an ideal world, people are supports for each other. Dr. Tariq Ramadan illustrates this great insight in his book "In the Footsteps of the Prophet" while reflecting on the story of Prophet Ibrahim (peace be upon them both). He writes,

"When Abraham is tempted by deep doubt about himself, his faith, and the truth of what he hears and understands, the inspirations and confirmations of Hagar and Ishmael (whom he loves but sacrifices in the name of divine love) enable him not to doubt God, His presence, and His goodness. Doubt about self is thus allied to deep trust in God" (pg. 5).

So while we, by our human nature, seek companionship we, too, have explicit guidance about how this companionship must breathe and act. At the base of it all is our own personal relationships with Allah as we cannot expect that comfort comes from humans themselves but rather it's a blessing from Allah, most Glorified is He. Hagar and Ishmael's conviction, as I see it, was independent of their love of Prophet Ibrahim (may Allah be pleased with them all). Rather, the three of them supported each other in the face of trials by remaining steadfast in their obedience to God.

When we are connected with those who are striving for greater God-consciousness (taqwa) and love, we hope that they will help us gently in our times of weakness and more importantly that we, too, can help them for none other than Allah's sake alone.

And if a union of this type should exist, then one must recognize it as gift from the Almighty and thank Him for it. It is only He who is deserving of all praises.

Ya Allahu, ya Latifu, ya Khabir, guide us to You and Your love. Bless us with a sound understanding of our deen and bless us with knowledge and love of You, the All Knowing, the Wise. Ya Allah, give us relief in our difficulties, grant us light in our darkness, give us strength in our weakness, and increase us in our sincere servitude of You. Ya Rabbi, protect me from wronging my soul and protect me and my heart from turning to that which doesn't befit obedience to you. Ya Allah, I seek Your guidance and Your protection. Guide us to Your good pleasure and protect us from Your wrath. Have mercy on us, ya Allah... Ighfir li ya Rabb. Ighfir li ya Arhamar Rahimeen wa salla Allahu 'ala Sayyidina Muhammad wa aalihi wa salim.

A thread...

2010-10-09T00:31:00.004-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

I made a mistake of not writing. I made the mistake of failing to put a name and direction to my thoughts and internal tempo. Like particles of dust, they can now hardly be collected. They can hardly be corrected. When did I let them slide into an abyss of darkness? I wonder.

I made a mistake of hoping in a way that does not befit my place. Perhaps the root of this mistake is in forgetting or neglecting truth.

Truth always comes with us, even if we don't engage its presence. But it only shines for those who embrace it. Most times I give up trying to figure out what it means to hold it, to nurture it, to call it a part of me. Occasionally only a wayward thread of it comes into view, and that in itself is far better than nothing.

But it takes more than a ragged thread to sew a garment. Perhaps the goal should be better suited to the resources. Perhaps it should be a simple bow. Yes, a bow - as useless as it may be - is fathomable. But it's still an intimidating thought as I'll likely break the thread in the process. Is it worth risking?

There is no alternative. It must be attempted.

Ya Rabbi, help me.

Indicators

2010-09-21T20:45:00.007-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

"If you want to know your rank with Him,
look to what He has established you in."
- ibn 'Ata-illah
Our teachers say that one should not leave Ramadhan in the same state as he entered it. That is, one should find an improvement in oneself in the days, weeks, and months that follow Ramadhan. But what if one leaves Ramadhan worse than one entered it?

Ramadhan is special for many reasons. It's the month in which the Quran was first revealed. In it rests a night that is greater than a thousand nights. It is the greatest opportunity in the year for people to turn away from heedlessness and draw closer to the Lord of all that exists, upon whom we are indebted for our existence and subsistence. The shayateen are prevented from continuing with their evil work in this great month, and humans are left with their nafs to recognize their slavehood before their Lord. But what if the nafs is too strong to overcome its impulses of negligence?

Now that the month has passed, do we have the right to grieve? We must grieve and repent for our heedlessness and negligence. We must. But at some point, we have to face the mirror, wipe it clear of the steam, and take a good look at the sight before us. Who are we really? Where are we going? Are we really being true to the reality of our existence? Where do we need to go? How do we get there?

It seems that ideals are often mishmashed with delusions. In a commentary of the Hikam of ibn 'Ata-illah, it says, "If sadness does not cause a person to earnestly race towards [catching up on] acts of obedience, then it is a sign of delusion and is not one of the stations of the people travelling the Path."

It is not a wonder that preparations for Ramadhan have to start now - in Shawwal. Ramadhan is not magical dust, and those of us who are unable to face our heart's reflection must recognize that each day of the entire year is a great opportunity to make aright what might be so absolutely wrong right now. Perhaps then, should we live long enough, we may be able to meet the next Ramadhan with enough spiritual health to embrace what it offers the heart and thus leave it as we hope - that is, a bit better than when we entered it.

Our Beloved... صلى الله عليه

2010-07-24T00:34:00.005-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Reminiscing...

The Arabic proverb "If you return from travelling, give gifts to your family if even a rock" played over in my mind as I had only a few days left in Yemen and still a few more gifts to buy. Sana'a's charm captured my heart, but the beauty that I saw in her could not be bought and selecting gifts from her stores was challenging. I decided to go to the markets at Baab Al Yemen to shop for the remaining gifts. My friend, a very dear sister, accompanied me. On our way, we stopped at one store in which I noticed a necklace that I thought might be appropriate. The price was far too unreasonable for my likings, nonetheless we continued to browse the store. I then noticed a masbaha (prayer beads) which I thought was nice.

There were two men in the store, both chewing qaat seated on cushions behind the two dusty counters. The younger of the two stood up to serve me. As I looked at the scented masbaha, my friend and I conversed in English. The young man then asked me if I was Muslim. Na'am, alhamdulillah - "Yes, praise be to God," I replied. Ana Tom - "I'm Tom," he said. I was surprised. Lasta Muslim? - "You're not Muslim?" I asked. He quickly added ...ow Muhammad - "or Muhammad." In broken Arabic, I told him (or at least tried to tell him) that it was a shame on him to call himself other than his name Muhammad and that he should be happy and proud to call himself Muhammad. As I've been told, a home that has one with the name Muhammad is blessed by virtue of that name alone. I told him that Muhammad is the most beautiful of names. He said nothing.

***The moon is almost at her peak of glorious illumination, but sadly at that point it will mark the passing of half of the blessed month of Sha'baan. It is the month of our beloved, the beloved of God, Al Habib Al Mustafa, our Prophet and Messenger, the seal of the prophets, Muhammad bin Abdillah, may God's peace and blessings be upon him.

I wonder about my relationship with him, salla Allahu 'alayhi wa salam, and I know that I take him for granted, sadly. I know that it is a relationship that I have to work on and one that I long to taste the reality of. But love is not lazy, and my laziness in following his way is a clear indication of the illusory reality of the love that I claim to have.

I know my words with brother Muhammad, a shopkeeper in Sana'a's marketplace, were more for my sake than his. Why would it bother me that he would take another name instead of the name of our beloved, 'alayhi wassalaatu wassalaam, if I were not guilty of taking a way other than his way?

As I try to discover the reality of what it means to call Muhammad, peace and blessings upon him, our beloved, my beloved, I invite you to do the same.

May Allah make us among those who love Him and His messenger, Muhammad, peace be upon him, and may He guide us all on the path of truth and righteousness. May He make us among those who follow the way of the living Quran, Al Mustafa, peace and blessings be upon him and his family, and protect us from the evils of ourselves. Ameen.

Written on August 4, 2009

هو محمد في الأرض و محمود في السماء
صلى الله عليه و آله و سلم

A Blazing Flame

2010-07-09T02:44:00.013-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

In the depths of the night, a flame burned brightly. It danced across observant eyes etching its beauty into timid retinas. Eyelids, the first line of defense, stood open and indulged the sight. There, in the stillness of the night, the fire only caressed the night's gentle breeze. Hidden was any threat of harm, chaos, or confusion.

The night has long since passed, and now under the luminence of the sun the casualties are clear. Logs and sticks that were once part of living trees are now charred remains, mere ashes, serving as the only evidence of the night's performance. Was it worth it? It is difficult to say. If life was shortened by the moment, then it likely wasn't. But if the fire's fuel was indeed true firewood, then the glamour only manifested its fate. There is a cycle, and every stage within it needs its due.

But when the cycle ceases to exist, must its memory be preserved?

I'm sorry...

2010-07-08T00:02:00.006-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

I'm sorry. I cannot make any excuses for my insolence. I cannot explain myself, not in any comprehensible way at least. My reflection is far more loathsome to me than the sparks that you see spewing out from it. I try to keep my distance as I know that the volcanic pool cannot be tamed except with a profound understanding that few can claim. I do not want to leave a trail of charred remains. Eventually it will settle, bi ithnillah, but while it gushes and spurts with a vengeance, I am forced to live with it. There is nothing more I'd like than to be rid of it, or in the least, understand it. But understanding is a gift and comes only when He wills.

Interestingly, I had a flicker into the source of this angst very recently, and it was a horrible and frightening realization. I'm learning that those who despise lies are actually keenly adept at lying as they can disguise a lie with a mask of truth, honour it, and live by it. But eventually lies manifest themselves, and the only thing of worth in my being, I realize now, was an illusion. An ideal truth, but whose reality was far from embraced. Such was the depth of the lie.

It's fair to say that I'm understood by few. But if you take the worst from me, you'll find the worst because I do not have the strength to transcend your opinion of me. A flower will not grow in a bed of rocks and that's about all I can offer now. A handful of rocks.

If I could mute my state... If I could trace history and pick out a point of tearful submission... If I could, then perhaps a smile can return. In the mean time, I am learning more lessons. A beautiful medicine can become a vile poison. Of this, I wasn't aware. Such is my naivety. But naivety is a flimsy excuse. I offer no excuses for my insolence. I am as reprehensible as you see me, even more so.

I need to embrace hope, but I don't see the light. I ask, and He hears. I plead, and He hears. I am impoverished, but He is Al Ghani. I am lowly, but He is Al 'Ala. I want to want for me only what He wants for me, but I don't know how. I'm in darkness, but He is An Nur.

I wish I could relieve you of the burden of my company, but such is not in my hands. Nonetheless, I'm empathetic to your situation and pray for the best.

اللهم ارزقنا بحبك و بحب رسولك الحبيب محمد عليه الصلاة و السلام و بحب القرآن الكريم و بحب سنة سيدنا محمد صلى الله عليه و سلم. اللهم افتح قلوبنا إليك و اهدنا الصراط المستقيم يا ارحم الراحمين. اللهم نسألك حسن الخاتمة يا الله يا عظيم... آمين

Burnt Ashes

2010-06-09T00:48:00.004-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

When strength escapes, we wonder if it ever existed. History records the evidence of some heart, but when the heart is gone and the longing is strong, why are the remnants only dust?

Weakness wants to take the ashes and use them as an adornment on the heart. Strength is voiceless. Breathless. She offers nothing, and even hope remains motionless. Energy that should be revived is spent. Spent on what you wonder? Spent on deception.

War quakes the world. Its form is gruesome, merciless, and demonic. We shudder at the thought of it. War. Nobody likes wars, and yet we fail in stopping them. Why?

We cannot conquer warfare of the land when we are completed defeated in our hearts. Some feel the fire of the inward but tame it with negligence.

She only hums gently when you don't notice her, but when you turn your attention she becomes gruesome. And the war begins. She's a master at warfare as she plays with hopes. She sets goals, helps you move towards them, and then, when you think you've gained some ground, she exhales a breath of fiery illusions and watches as her success marks your failure.

Her success marks your failure. And you hold the ashes in the palm of your hands hoping that you can use them to soothe a shaken heart.

Ashes will only bring the heart to heedlessness, rather feed it some air. Some fresh, clean air. It's not an easy delicacy to deliver, but intend and God will facilitate. Seek and depend, and He will answer and guide.

اللهم إنا نسألك رضاك والجنة، ونعوذ بك من سخطك والنار
آمين

***

يا مقلب القلوب ثبت قلبي على دينك
آمين

Passing Thoughts

2010-05-26T02:32:00.009-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

It's a full moon tonight. My niece and I spent the earlier part of the night enjoying the night sky and mountain scenery together. The household has since fallen into a deep slumber, but sleep escapes me and I'm hardly inclined to blame an afternoon nap for this.

There is little about my life perspectives worth articulating these days, and perhaps that explains my recent written silence. There are many things that I've considered writing about, but the words seemed not to fall into place as they normally do. Even still, I continue to have difficulty finding my words. Alhamdulillah, I've recently closed one brief chapter in my life, one that I was ever-eager to complete. Unexpectedly, and by God's grace alone, I now find myself visiting close relatives who I haven't seen in about four years. I can hardly believe the changes that time has revealed.

I remember visiting the hospital when my niece, the daughter of my sibling-like cousin, was born. A few years afterwards, when she was still a toddler, I remember humouring her with games fit for a princess. Her older brother is the first of the family youngings, and I can hardly believe that he is now a young man and already taller than me. Since his birth, Allah has blessed us with 14 other births and 5 stepchildren. Alhamdulillah. All praises and thanks belong to Him for these many blessings. With 20 children that I like to call my own (though I've yet to meet one of them) child rearing concerns me.

I don't have the answers to many of the questions that I have in this regard. It goes without saying that parents all have their own parenting styles and most want the best for their children. Right now, it's not appropriate that I spend a great deal of time thinking about this as there are more pressing and practical things that I need to attend to as soon as I return home, God willing. I pray that I have the strength to pursue them as my track record thus far is horrible.

In the mean time, for those few of you take the time to keep track of my ramblings here, I'll invite you to think about your parents and their efforts to raise you to the best of their abilities. Pray for them. Honour them. And serve them for the sake of Allah.

May Allah take us all back to Him in the best of states, and may He allow us to lead lives that are pleasing to Him. May He use us as tools in His service and protect us from all evils, ameen.

***

Ya Waaliday
يا والدي
Nothing can fully articulate what needs to be said
Though often times I wonder
In those wee hours of the night while lying in bed
How great it is that this love still grows fonder

Since even before my first breath of this world's air
Your two hearts were constricted by my uncertain state
Before the world even knew my name did you care
God's generosity is abundantly clear in our written fate

Limitless have been your lessons in all respects
And selflessness adorns all your offers of companionship
My every decision lovingly circumspect
As I hold a goblet of gratitude awaiting your sip

Servicing your requests are my honour
And inciting your disappointments are my shame
Endless wasted opportunities now considered a goner
My history of disservice marks a soul's pitiful fame

How rare it is for me to sit down and say
My dearest mother and father I love you more than you'll know
Thank you for the many blessings you've helped bring my way
And forgive me for the many times my appreciation fails to show

Recognizing this as your life-long investment
It is only from God that the fruits of your labour can be unveiled
I am impoverished and will certainly fail in repayment
So I ask Him to bless you with the best of this world and the next and make this a debt repaid

Ameen!

Written on March 28, 2009

Let it pour, oh let it pour

2010-04-15T00:44:00.003-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Let it pour, oh let it pour. As God gives life to the earth that is dead, He surely gives life to hearts that are dead. Oh let it pour.

Hearts that seek the balance between fear and hope must see that these words are too weak for the reality of their meanings. Perhaps the language of articulation is the deficiency. Fear does not describe the state in which one anticipates receiving the wrath of God, nor is hope strong enough to describe the supreme authority by which God commands His creation. Hope contains too much doubt in affirming God's transcendence and mercy. It almost belittles a good opinion of His greatness. But there are no words in English that match these depths, at least not from my perspective or minimal knowledge. However, one word from which to draw clarity is justice. Justice will prevail. God does not wrong souls, but souls earn their conditions. And we depend, in our entirety and without an alternative, on His mercy and His supreme will and power.

Let it pour, oh let it pour. The earth is grieving the loss of light and there is nothing that can ease her pain. Light and darkness are not and must not be considered the same. How then can one who knows be the same as one who does not know? How then can servitude be likened to heedlessness and disobedience? Like parallel lines, they will never cross.

As we survey our lives, deciding where to go and how to get there, we must pause and soak in the rain. Oh let it pour. It is not altogether relevant where we want to go, but it is critical that we recognize the reasons why we want to go there. As days pass, one enveloped into the next, what do we have to hold onto? What do we need to hold onto?

Oh let it pour. By the permission, generosity, and grace of Allah, let it pour.

Behold! In the creation of the heavens and the earth; in the alternation of the Night and the Day; in the sailing of the ships through the Ocean for the profit of mankind; in the rain which Allah sends down from the skies, and the life which He gives therewith to an earth that is dead; in the beasts of all kinds that He scatters through the earth; in the change of the winds, and the clouds which they trail like their slaves between the sky and the earth;― (here) indeed are signs for a people that are wise.
2:164 - English "translation" of the Quran.

Shoreline Observations

2010-03-24T01:41:00.011-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

As I look at the world around me, I'm not really sure what to think. My mind cannot comprehend how we, people of this world, go from love to hate, or from respect to disrespect, or from sincerity to selfishness. Worse still, I cannot understand how this occurs after committing oneself to the precepts of marriage. These wonders are not, in my mind, directly linked to issues of divorce as that is a topic all on its own.

The marriage process by itself is one that is.. uhm.. I can't even find a suitable word to describe it. Suffice to say, I'm at the shoreline and keep a safe distance away from the waves, with rare exception. I suppose it is the exception that makes the endeavour worthwhile.

One night, when I was especially tired and eager to get to sleep, I returned to my room and found my roommate on the phone with her betrothed. I couldn't sleep with her chatter, but I figured that she was much too happy for me to get irritated at the late-night conversation. At last, she hung up the phone, and as far as I could tell I was finally going to have a chance to fall asleep. But then she sighed deeply and said, "Farzeen, have you ever known love like this?" I tried not to laugh out loud and was glad that she couldn't see me in the dark. "No" I said. She sighed again, and then I knew it was going to be a much longer night than I had anticipated.

The following night, however, was much different. She confided in me about her worries and sought some counsel. From what I gathered (and Allah knows best), both of them were approaching marriage with less-than-ideal intentions, and thus their specific issues were quite predictable. Given their predicaments, it seemed as though their relationship was as good as done, but a day or two later my roommate informed me that she was going shopping. "Shopping.. hmm.. now?" I asked. "Yes, for my wedding!" she said. "Yesterday you told me it was over, and today you're going shopping?" I asked her in obvious surprise. She laughed and shrugged her shoulders. I imagined things were sorted out. I do hope that she is happy and content wherever she is now. By agreeing to get married, they were both getting exactly what they wanted from their union. And perhaps this is true for many.

SubhanAllah.. perhaps that's the missing link that keeps some of us on the shore and others of us deep in the ocean. And yet all are seemingly content with their methods. We seek the most fitting means to match the ends which we desire. If the means do not match the end, then they do not suffice us and we most often seek new ways. We all have different ends and different means, no one better than the other. Perhaps marriages become especially strained when time illumines the discrepancy between these premarital expectations and reality. And God knows best.

I wonder at those who marry but don't live together. Each their own, but it's a strange regularity these days. If one is not ready to get married, then why get married? Yes, I know, because relationships can reach levels of closeness and inseparability that they become Islamically questionable. Gotcha. But you can't beat the system. Marriage comes with rights and responsibilities, and it's a shame that we are willing to accept the rights while we place the responsibilities on others. Yes, the others agree, but then again so do grandparents who find themselves raising their grandchildren. Is that the best option for all involved? Sometimes it is, but most times, I'm not so sure. Allah knows best.

The institution of marriage, I think, needs to be treated with seriousness. Enjoyment of the occasion should not excuse an abasement of its greatness, a greatness which is found in its depths. We cannot reach great depths with light hearts. Not the way I see it at least. In the Book of Intentions, Al Habib Muhammad bin 'Alawi Al 'Aydarus, (الله يحفظه) lists intentions of marriage from the work of the great Shaykh 'Ali bin Abi Bakr As Sakran. The list finishes with, "I have intended all the previous and more from whatever I control, say, and do in this marriage for Allah Almighty." And within this niyyah, this intention, I think is the greatest beauty in all the jewels of marriage.

Perhaps I speak of ideals. But if we do not pursue moral and spiritual ideals, then what will we pursue?

Ungrateful Inception

2010-03-19T15:52:00.002-04:00

I have nothing to offer the world,
Nor to those who tarry within her
I cannot benefit those who meet me
And prefer to be a stranger

To myself I am only a shadow
A voiceless and formless existence
Within which light does not reside
Giving only my own decrepitude preference

It’s not in my perceived capability
To do that which is the praiseworthy norm
To walk as an ambassador in this world
Tracing the steps of the Beloved, peace be upon him, in an ennobled form

It is a favour for humanity
To be rid of my energy
For my misdirection is unfitting
And my mistakes far too many

But as life resides in my limbs
I’m still indebted to act
Wanting to be rid of myself
Muting the voices to react

It is my very intolerance
Of my being’s reflection
That proves the worth of this indulgence
Highlighting an ungrateful inception

The truth of this realization
Must emphasize a logic to discern
Being nothing for oneself or for others
Yet waiting for a peaceful return

His Way

2010-03-12T00:06:00.004-05:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

I look at your picture and can't stop myself as your name easily slips from my lips, ya ibnati. Allah's favours are grand, and we thank Him, Transcendent is He, for blessing us with you, ya habibti. I remember those days when you relaxed in my arms or lay wide awake resting on a pillow by my side as we listened to the wisdom of our dear teachers. May we and our loved ones always be in gatherings of His remembrance, ameen. Nas-alu Allaha as-salaamah.

I look at the world around us, and I wonder. I've been wondering for some time. Some days, rare days, I like to think that I come closer to making sense of it and maybe even grasping some understanding our place within it. In 27 years, should you not return to your Lord before that time, will you find yourself where I am now? How will the world look to you, and what will it mean?

I had the good pleasure of learning of a book by our teacher Habib 'Ali Al Jifri, but I couldn't read much further than the first page. Within it, he named the confusion:
When the Muslim and the Believer becomes fully aware and comprehends his mission, he is then able to understand others with that comprehension of his mission. And to the extent that the Muslim and the Believer only dimly understands the greatness of the mission with which God entrusted him exclusively of others, he is hardly able to understand well and widen the scope of his relationship with creatures in all their variety.

Ignorance is painful.

I recently had the opportunity to ask a respected teacher about the role of a Muslim woman today. She kindly corrected my question. The role of a person, irrespective of gender, is the same. She said there are three roles or responsibilities for people, both men and women:

1) Worship Allah on earth
2) Tazkiyyah or purification of the nafs
3) Inhabit the earth

She elaborated on the final point by adding that we must inhabit the earth in the way that Allah wants, according to the shari'ah. For example, perhaps it can be by raising one's children, which is praiseworthy and a great task, or perhaps it is by working in something that one is really good at, etc.

May Allah bless us with knowledge and understanding. May He guide us and our loved ones to lead lives that are pleasing to Him and in accordance to His way, His laws, His guidance, and His message. May He protect us from the evils of ourselves, mankind, and jinn. May He bestow His rahma upon us, forgive us, and teach us. Ameen.

Some wisdom to sip on... In The Shadow of Fatimah

Be Great People

2010-03-02T21:09:00.004-05:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

My brother sent this to me today. BarakAllahu fih. SubhanAllah...it really puts things into perspective.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3a - Part 3b

God is the Light of the heavens and the earth;
the likeness of His Light is as a niche wherein is a lamp
the lamp in a glass, the glass as it were a glittering star
kindled from a Blessed Tree
an olive that is neither of the East nor of the West
whose oil is well-nigh luminous, though fire scarce touched it;

Light upon Light!

God guides to His Light whom He will.
And God speaks to mankind in symbols
for God is knower of all things.

Quran - Chapter 24, Verse 35

Midnight Craving

2010-02-28T22:43:00.006-05:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

I have a craving to savour the night sky, to sleep beneath the stars, and to smile at the radiant moon. It's been two years since then. Two nights ago, as I spotted the moon and searched the stars for a recognizable constellation, my mind overpowered my heart to make my way into the building. With snow-filled treads, I turned away from the beautiful sky and enjoyed the remaining steps that led to the entryway of my destination.

Isn't life like that sometimes? Our minds sometimes overpower our hearts, for better or for worse, and vice versa. I seek to achieve a balance between the two, but such an ideal is increasingly more difficult to possess.

Matha biki? I remember her asking me that night. I wasn't in a state that could engage in chatter nor could I share in their laughter. My enjoyment of their joyous moment was periphery, though sincere. Matters that weighed on my heart begged my attention, and though I hadn't the know-how to ease their burden, I allowed them to collapse into puddles of my confusion.

Since then, I've become less adept, and now the challenges between heart and mind have no way to a solution. The heart, being a bit fickle, wants to hold onto sweet delights though they may be illusory. And the mind is left with conflicts, weighing things that really don't need to be weighed. Considering, contemplating, and finding no end to put calm into a distressed heart.

So where does that leave things? I wish I knew.

May Allah guide us. May He enlighten us with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. May He bless us with the clarity of truth in our lives, and may He give us the means to experiencing tranquillity with Him, ameen.

Success

2010-02-20T00:08:00.009-05:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

In The Name of God, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

May His blessings be upon His last and final prophet and messenger, Muhammad.

It is in the darkness of the night that the heart speaks the loudest. She demands attention. And by God's grace, her voice is heard.

There are many things that have been on my mind recently, and while the pieces are still fragmented, there are some moments of partial clarity that are indeed blessings.

Tonight, by God's generosity, I cradle such a moment.

As a distressed babe finally finds comfort and escapes from this world into a peaceful slumber, so too can our thoughts. For a time. A brief time.

Success. It's about the only word that fits in all our pockets as it is carried by us all. None, with a relatively sound mind, truly care to live life without achieving some perception of success. Yes, we want to be successful. Our human intelligence demands that much. The only question then is "What is success?"

I used to think that some portion or sign of success was in one's feeling of peace or completeness. Perhaps, I thought, success was in one's ability to wade in the water leaving behind beautiful ripples with little disturbance to the life structures below. But now I'm not sure that I have the words to describe my current understanding of it. But like most things that I embrace, it comes after many notions which I've turned away and it is from this angle that I will try to clarify my thoughts, bi ithnillah.
***
Success is not in sacrifice by itself. Sacrifice is perhaps part of the journey, but it isn't the epitome of the trip nor is it a noteworthy segment of the path. Success is not in ease. Success is not in beauty of any form. Success is not in wealth. Success is not in knowledge though depending on the nature of the knowledge it could be a precursory gift.

Success is not in the driver's seat of such vehicles as a Lexus. Nor is it in its opposite. Success is not in a diamond ring. Nor is it in the absence of such extravagance. Success is not in a spouse. Not even a righteous spouse. Success is not in a charming smile and crisp clothes. Nor is it in its opposite. Success is not in radiant hair and skin. Nor is it in its opposite. Success is not in acceptance from those whom we admire. Success is not in a fulfilling occupation, Doctor. Success is not in taking care of one's family.

Then what is success?

All I know about success is that it is with Allah. It is by His decree, just as everything else in the universe. We cannot be confident that even in the beautiful things that we achieve in this world we will be among those whom Allah chooses to favour with His grace and eternal peace.

Then why do I even bother mentioning success? If it is not in our hands, why do we need to even flesh it out? Decree is with God alone, in all respects and in its entirety, but we are responsible for our actions. And simply, our success is in our submission to Him, entirely.

No, do not grieve that you are not earning as much as you would like. Do not let your heart, for even a moment, drop at the thought of the struggles that you face. SubhanAllah.

The Quran is filled with His promises, His Truth. And yet we do not take it, let alone hold firm to it. This is our failure.

We struggle and struggle to develop our professional lives, to earn "reasonable" incomes and yet our rizq (sustenance) is promised by Him. He will take care of it, and yet we worry about it. This is our failure.

We learn all that we can so we can interact in this world with ease, perhaps with praiseworthy intentions, but do we know what He wants of us? If not, this is our failure.

We have a little or a lot. We have filled bellies, loving families, and we complain. We only choose certain moments to express our gratitude to our Lord for things which we consider particularly great. But if we forget Him with even a sip of water, we have tasted failure.

As I look at the world around me, I know I cannot afford to live without challenging the values that we commonly place on certain things. I cannot afford to occupy my heart with other than Him. Not even for a moment.

And yet I do. As I write this, I see my failure. And if the trench wasn't as deep as it is, I would perhaps have confidence in getting out of it myself. Fortunately, I do not have this confidence and thus I risk not another failure because regardless of the depths of the trench, it is only by His grace that we will walk upon this earth with the sweetness of truth and reality in our hearts.

May Allah give us success with Him. May He guide us to return to Him in complete submission. May He bless us with knowledge and understanding, and guide us to rectify the conditions of our hearts. May He guide us. Ya Rab, guide us to You. Let us not be among the heedless. Let us live for Your sake alone. Let us strive for only You. May You be the absolute ruler of our hearts. May our actions and every breath bring us closer to You. Allahumma ighfir lana.. Allahumma ighfir lana.. Allahumma ighfir lana.. O Allah, forgive us!

Written on Feb. 6, 2010

***
A lesson wherein Habib Umar bin Hafiz (Allah yahfazuhu, ameen) puts things in perspective.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4

Ignorance Is Painful

2010-02-19T01:28:00.006-05:00

بسم الله الرحمان الرحيم
اللهم صلى على سيدنا حبيبنا محمد و على آله و صحبه و سلم

It was in this hijri month, Rabi' Al Awwal, that the best of all of creation was born into this world to live on this Earth, may God's peace and blessings be upon him and his family and companions. We remember him, we send salutations to him, and we reflect on the lessons that he taught throughout his life as he lived in complete servitude to Allah, to whom belongs all praise and submission.

I wonder... I wonder... And the wonderment does not cease. But the words lose themselves enroute from my heart and my mind to my tongue or the tips of my fingers. I wish I could grasp them, examine them, polish them, and stare at them with the wonderment of awe and not of confusion. Ignorance is painful.

And yet we accept it as our states. I accept it as my state. Maafi mushkila sah? 'Indana maalun, wa baytun, wa malaabis. Kuluha takfi, sah? La. La. Abadan la. Matha bina? Majanin... sahih. They used to speak of our beloved, saying that he wasn't of sound mind. They could have not been any further from the truth with such a claim. Their contentment with their states encouraged their slanderous ways. And what of our own? Where does our contentment, with the material world as our guide, lead us?

Ignorance is painful. Painful indeed.

***

Ironic, isn't it?

2010-01-05T00:17:00.005-05:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

There is a heavy fog hanging over the land these days. An abundance of rain poured through, and it has dispersed as quickly as it arrived. It came with clarity, a light source in itself. And though in its absence there is darkness, there too remains, as always, remnants from which we may benefit, bi ithnillah.

One such keepsake is the words of Habib 'Ali Al Jifri - Allahu yahfa'dhu - who said that women should not strive for "equality" with men as it implies inferiority, but rather they should strive to surpass men. The next question, naturally, is "how?" How can women surpass men? As there are those who make value judgments about equality between genders, who lays down the foundation of excellence and success?

In an effort to try to answer these questions, I'm reminded of the words of Shaykh Abdallah Al Haddad who, during one lesson, spoke about the essential questions that we each need to ask ourselves.

1) Who am I?
2) From where did I come?
3) Why am I here?
4) Where am I going? or What is my destination?

He elaborated on each question and its fitting answer as explained to us in our Islamic teachings. It is in the answers to these questions that we know that we are created from something very insignificant and even vile, and yet we have been given life as a test within which we need to compete with each other in good works. He said, "life is an opportunity for worship, thankfulness, and praising Allah."

True enough, people are in constant competition with each other, even with their own standards of what is "sufficient" for themselves. These competitions are ironic (and perhaps even laughable if they weren't so serious) given our soulful identities, but I suppose it should come as little surprise since these are the fruits of illusions.

And on the surface, this world is an illusion. But if we dig deep enough, by God's grace, this world is a great sign affirming God's transcendence and omniscience.

I wonder sometimes about how many of us run the rat race of life, living from weekend to weekend to get through the life paths that we choose for ourselves.

There are many who study for degrees but not for knowledge. There are many who work to earn money, yet not to serve. There are many who compete for everything that will disappear upon our deaths as smoothly as a mirage. And yet, in a lonely corner, there remains our sideline pile of good works and acts of servitude for our Lord's sake.

It baffles the mind really. And the irony continues as some people sense the traps of this world and write and read books such as "The Simple Guide to a Minimalist's Life" which only breaks down the difference between wants and needs. We want more than we need in tangibles, and yet we need more than we want in intangibles. Sad, isn't it?

In all my incoherence, I'm saying only this, why are we building elaborate forts out of snow, knowing very well that summer will eventually come, when we could rather spend our efforts building elaborate forts out of gold?

May Allah protect us from being engaged with anything that does not benefit our eternal existence. May He guide us to all that which will bring us closer to Him. May He forgive us where we err, and may He teach us how to tread the path of success with Him. May He, the Almighty, bless us with knowledge, understanding, and practices that are all for His sake alone. May we live for His sake, and may we return to Him in the best of states. Ameen.

Self-Inflicted Loss

2009-12-24T20:08:00.002-05:00

بسم الله الرحمان الرحيم

I remember the times
that now seem so far away
when you stood by my side
no longer a stranger

but we've grown distant
oh so slowly
and my heart still aches
that you're no longer next to me

I reach out to you
but fail to understand
others tell me that I've forgotten
and that I've failed you

perhaps I deserve this loss
but it doesn't hurt any less
love isn't cheap
I see that

your strength still moves my heart
though you may not be mine
I do hope for your return
and for clarity in our union

Until then
I have no right to grieve
I've not abandoned you
I surely haven't

One day
We will smile together
Again, inshaAllah.
For His sake alone.
For His sake alone.

أحبك يا لغة القرآن
أحبك يا لغة العظيمة
أحبك يا لغة عربية

الصلاة و السلام على الرسول المصطفى

The Essence of Weddings

2009-12-23T00:08:00.042-05:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

As Wedding Essence launches its new website (masha'Allahu wa alhamdulillah!), I'm reminded of the beauty of families. More specifically, I'm reminded of families who support each other, bring out the best in each other, and work together to facilitate each other's legit ambitions. It goes without saying that such blessings are from none other than Allah, the Most High, to whom belongs all praises, submission, and servitude. It is by His grace and facilitation that beauty manifests itself in our lives. In families, this beauty most often stems from husbands and wives, those of them who work towards beautifying the world with their joint efforts.

So, uhm, do I speaketh of ideals? Is reality much different? Perhaps it is! As my mother taught me, "Every bed of roses has its thorns." So the next time someone asks me "When are you getting married?" I think I might send them here to stew on the insights that Sherman and his buddies in the lagoon so nicely offer.

Enjoy!
***[You'll have to click on the images to enlarge them. Sorry for the inconvenience.]

The agonizing question of when you're getting married finally pushes you to make an effort toward finding a suitable spouse. But if you decide to join the game, then make sure you at least have some game.

There must be a handbook for this process. Some people say "too honest" is a bad thing, but surely there should be a bright side to it.

You soon learn that the process is indeed challenging, but it's also very insightful. Perhaps a bit too insightful?

Those, however, who bravely persist after a failed venture might want to consider a new strategy.

But bravery and hopes only invite surprises. Be prepared.

Some of us though aren't that brave and instead the pressure only surmounts. God helps us all.

For those who make it past the meeting stage, it doesn't take much time before confidence takes the lead. Good thing friends are there to light the way.

Alas, you decide to marry...

And if you were wise enough to write the reasons down, you might want to make multiple copies. Maybe even hang one copy on the fridge too.

Okay, okay... a few peculiar preferences can be indulged, especially when your partner tries so hard to impress you.

Some surprises are better shared before the moment of truth. Otherwise, it's important that couples have effective methods for resolving conflicts.

Marriages do reach some strange plateaus. Love? What's that? Does it come with dip?

But through all the drama, selfless consideration shines through in its own uniquely beautiful way.

Marriage and fatherhood is sometimes a bit overwhelming for men, so let's take a peek at Hagar's scene for a reflective moment.

You see, wives are dependable. You can always count on them to set the record straight. Be prepared.

Men eventually learn to embrace the role of a father...

...ensuring that they impart their wisdom.

From singlehood to marriage to parenthood, we surpass those familial challenges. We then find ourselves being weighed down by the other demands of life.

But through it all, there are always friends who we can count on.

Alternatively, professional help will have to do.

Amply sufficient...

2009-12-22T00:23:00.003-05:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

حسبي الله
A few months ago, I was officially required to get involved with society again. I had tried, rather unsuccessfully, to prepare myself mentally for the demands that awaited me in terms of interacting once again with society at large, a society that I've grown up in and know well enough to know that they still don't understand me, a Muslimah. Nonetheless, Allah placed me in this, and it has benefitted me tremendously to not forget that.

In Allah's generosity, kindness, and grace, He has made all practical considerations easy for me. As He always does. SubhanAllah. He tests me only in my gratefulness. In the demands of this world, He sends rays of sunshine my way just when I need them in the exact intensity that I need them. Sometimes, when my heart is in thousands of pieces, He sends that comfort, untouchable and brief though it may be, to be by my side. Alhamdulillah. It shouldn't have been suprising then when a colleague greeted me with "assalaamu'alaykum" when he first saw me despite not being a Muslim or when I met a Yemeni sister who, upon learning of my attempts to learn Arabic, began speaking to me in fus7a Arabic during our brief and sporadic conversations. Ashkuruka ya Rab...

I've since said goodbye to some of those people, and continue this journey with people whose company has thus far been enlightening. The world is a large place and the differences in people are unquantifiable. Being the boring person that I am, I have only one thing with which to connect with most people, and that is our shared humanity. And for me, it's sufficient. It is amply sufficient, bi ithnillah.

اللهم صلي على سيدنا حبيبنا محمد و على آله و صحبه و سلم
***

Khalid Belrhouzi - The Cloak

An Ink-less Pen

2009-12-18T22:46:00.002-05:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Nope, today I won't write about the complications of myself. I won't write about the absurdity of consumerism. I won't write about the Hadhrami blue skies. I won't write about the voices of the heart. I won't write about the chaotic effects of selfishness and greed. I won't write about the sufferings of innocent people. I won't write about the monkey-like habits of man. I won't write about the challenges of this world. I won't write about the potential of dreams. I won't write about ineffective systems. I won't write about what is but that which we hate, or what isn't but that which we hope for, or what has passed but that which we still can't understand.

Add but a few more things to that list, and we have just about everything in my mind right now. And I don't want to think about any of them deeply. I can't, really.

If I have to liken my way of thinking as I face this world to something tangible, it would be a brick faced with the prospect of fitting through a smaller circular opening. And yet somehow it "works."

In all the ick of this life, there is so much to be grateful for. In all the illusions of this world, there is sufficient evidence of our reality. And really, that's about all I can swallow right now. To know that life is not in vain, that this world is not a place of amusement, and that we dwell here for only a short time is a great comfort for me. I want as little of it as it wants of me. It's a mutual hate-hate relationship, and tensions are just a part of the package.

Allah is Al Karim, and His graces are grand. Thank you Allah.

Gracefulness

2009-11-21T02:30:00.009-05:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

All praise belongs to Allah, He who has supreme power over all, to whom we submit. May God's peace and blessings be upon His beloved, the Chosen One, Muhammad, and his family and companions.

"I love you from the world all the way to Pluto and then to the sun and around the sun infinity times." -ibnu ukhti
It soars across the sky with great elegance and ease. Hearts are moved by its expression of freedom as it glides amongst the clouds with superb gracefulness.

Birds embrace their world of flight, and I watch them with great admiration and fascination. Flight cannot have constrains, and thus it is that which keeps the human spirit bound to its environment. Only in rare and brief moments are most of us privileged with the taste of worldly release. Only rarely do we taste truth and the freedom that it allows. Otherwise, we firmly clutch truth within our palms as we immerse ourselves in work and commitments with such intensity that all expectations of functional grace are hardly achieved.

We are expert architects in building our spiritual hearts, so much so that we successfully mute its existence and govern its imprisonment. But by doing so, we deny ourselves the opportunity to ask ourselves "Why?" Why do we not experience clarity? Why are resolutions or any peaceful initiatives not a part of our lives? Why are we unable to soar with the birds? Why oh why is the world the way it is?

We attempt to bring light to our cardiac designs through love, but often we only intensify our denial of supreme power. Love is not quantifiable and yet if we cannot encompass it, how do we value it? Or even still, how do we know that it is what we claim it to be? We open our hearts to love, and through it we find more room for angst than tranquility.

There is only one key. There is only one solution. There is only one way. His way. The way of the One whose power is overpowering and supreme. It is only through the guidance, direction, and love that He blesses us with that we may soar. And some days, we do. Some days when we submit with our entire hearts, we smile with truth. Sincerity forms our dimples, and tranquility shapes our tears. Our beings tremble with the sweetness of gratitude and submission. The world, for those moments, is clear. The heart, for those blissful seconds, is by His design.

While we walk upon the blood-stained earth, we beseech the protection and guidance of our generous Lord. May He invite us to His light. May He bestow upon our beings understanding. May He make our hearts those that seek none other than Him. May He and His beloved, the means by which He chooses, become priorities in our lives. May gratefulness be our garments and sincerity our footprints. May our steps of humility soar with wings of knowledge and complete submission. Ameen.

Breathe Easily

2009-11-15T23:36:00.005-05:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Praise be to Allah, the One to whom we submit, upon whom we depend, and to whom we turn. As we approach the blessed month of Dhul Hijja, by the permission of Allah, I am reminded of an event that passed about a year ago. It was a simple yet significant occasion for me and sometimes I believe it was just that that has helped me keep afloat these last couple of months. Nonetheless, I've been near drowning, and it's only by Allah's grace that I haven't landed on the ocean's floor. I continue to wonder at the ways of this world, and even though the path ahead is as dark as could be, there is a flame in this darkness. It comes in different packages. Sometimes a Quranic ayah. A wird - daily litany. A selfless desire. A heartfelt prostration. A child's laughter. A sincere du'a. And sometimes, a tear.

The giggles, by God's grace, have returned. And for two short months, God willing, I will get to savour them. Perhaps I won't get to enjoy their company as much as time would have allowed before, nonetheless these are among the great blessings that God favours me with. Such blessings indeed.

My life's test, thus far, is only to be grateful. In my heart of hearts, I see that there is nothing I need that isn't already within my reach and dependent on my repentance and His forgiveness, generosity, and grace. But there are some things missing in my life. And there are things for which I ask Allah. As for one thing missing, a miswak. As for one thing for which I ask Allah, understanding.

And with that, God willing, may I sleep easily. And by His grace, may I rise to embrace the next day with gratitude and a desire to make aright the lump of flesh that has since replaced my heart.

From You, ya Allah, I ask for guidance and protection. Facilitate all efforts for Your sake, and make us, the believers, among the righteous, submitting to Your will, and turned to You in humble gratitude, ameen.

Burning Eyes

2009-10-21T22:30:00.003-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

It was only three nights, but they were all followed by relatively busy days. My eyes opened before the alarm went off in the pre-dawn hours of the night, though my sleep was far from complete. Surprisingly, after Fajr I did not sleep. During the first two mornings, I took a walk by myself savouring the breathtaking sights of nature. Shaykh Abdullah and his wife walked at that time too. We would greet briefly, and then they would continue their walk on deeper trails.

I enjoyed the tranquility of the mornings as the sun peaked over the horizon. By the third morning, however, I considered perhaps catching one hour of sleep before getting ready to meet the day. But the morning air and whistling birds enticed me, and my heart refused. The body cannot rest easily without the cooperation of the heart. My eyes rebelled, and I could feel them stinging. But it was a superbly beautiful morning. It certainly was. SubhanAllah.

I feel a similar sensation in my eyes now. I think of Shaykh Abdullah and the presence of tranquil souls. I wonder at the restful state of the heart. Looking at the great beauty of the autumn leaves, I consciously avoid the effort of putting things into perspective, and that is a great injustice to the heart, mind, and soul. May it not take death at my door for truth's reality to become clear again.

A Littered Heart

2009-10-13T21:20:00.003-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

Reminiscing...

The morning after my first night in a boarding school, I heard what sounded like rain splashing on the tiles right outside my door. "Ah beautiful rain" I thought. I desperately wanted to go see it, but I was in the peak of my illness and couldn't find the energy to move.

Eventually, I moved out from that room and settled in a room further away from the typical dorms. It was a classroom of a public school, nestled within the boarding school, that was used to house guests who could no longer be accommodated in the dormitory. It was after settling in that room that I learned that my first morning at the boarding school wasn't met by the sound of rain but rather by the pitter-pattering feet of many little girls heading to class.

Having never lived in a boarding school before and then having a bedroom in the midst of classrooms, it fascinated me how school and boarding co-existed. My schedule was different than everyone else's which afforded me a couple more hours of much-needed sleep in the mornings before I had to get to my one-hour long class for the day. By the time I returned, break time was over for the little girls and the walk back to my room was often marked by candy, chocolate, and chip wrappers strewn across the floor.

It became a habit for me to greet the two sisters who were responsible for cleaning up this mess, and often I would apologize to one as I continuously neglected to greet her with proper respect by using the plural form of address "Kayfa haalukum?" as opposed to the singular form which I was more accustomed to using "Kayfa haaluki?" She would always respond with a forgiving smile. Our conversations were usually quite simple because my Arabic is too weak and her Arabic is much too dialectal for me to have had much hope of understanding her words without taking up a lot of her time and patience (though I'm sure she had plenty in the patience department, masha'Allah).

There aren't many things that bothered me about life in Yemen, but litter was certainly an exception. Six days a week these ladies cleaned the school of garbage that could have been easily placed in a garbage bin by the guilty litter bugs. But it seemed not to bother others much, and thoughts of this type were definitely a part of my "Western baggage" that I needed to deal with.

One Western sister advised that the untidy garbage is problematic for us because it reflects a diseased condition of the spiritual heart and soul both of which need to be purified. I imagine some might want to challenge her words, but she's absolutely right. I suppose the first counter-response would be that cleanliness is an essential part of our deen. Sah, it is... but being personally bothered by the less-than-desirable habits of others is not.

For one to be able to clean the filth of others, in my opinion, points to some admirable characteristics of the soul.

I remember once when I returned from class and headed to the sinks to make wudhu. There I was met by, as you can imagine, the repulsive sight and stench of one sink clogged with vomit. When I returned much later, it was cleaned up, most likely by none other than one of the two sisters who I often greeted.

My respect for them is great, and I love them for the sake of Allah. In my eyes, they have hearts of gold and the way that they carried themselves is well worth reflecting upon. It's reasonable to expect that we may never meet again in this life, and I may never have the opportunity to thank them and to tell them how special I think they are. I suppose even if I did get such a chance, they wouldn't easily accept my words as true, such is their humility and bashfulness. May Allah unite us in Jannah, ameen.

I pray that one day we can be among the internally purified, and I pray that Allah blesses them and the many others like them with goodness in this world and the next. Ameen.

Written on March 19, 2009

Nope Squared

2009-10-12T22:33:00.004-04:00

Bismillah

I've decided...*cough*
Drum roll please.
*drull roll*
... that....*ahem* I just don't care.
There. I-do-not-care.

Okay, okay, I do care.
But I don't want to.
Okay fine. That's not true either.
But why?
Why? With more intensity.

I don't know what irritates the heck out of me more
Why do these stupid things happen?
Yes, stupid is the peak of articulacy in this regard.
Or
Why do I not understand?
Why can I not make a triangular peg fit in a round hole.
It's a wonder, not an interrogative. Just a wonder.
Time to make the hole square I think.
Actually I don't really think so.

Not much of a rebel here, y'know.
Only with the big things like, y'know, big things
That won't irritate anyone else except the garbage man.
Blue, green, and black. It's how we sort.
And we have so much garbage to sort
While people die of starvation.

Where's the chisel at?
The hole has got to be square or just bigger
To make sense
Cuz I don't get it.
I just don't get it.

Too dumb.
Must be.

Sometimes I wonder...

2009-10-11T15:14:00.007-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Sometimes I feel like I just have to pause my involvement in the world so that I can take a look at what's going on around me. Each person is for himself, and yet the actions of others inevitably affect us all.

Sometimes I wonder if my optimism in facing the crises of this world of ours would be diminished if I had children to raise. But I guess part of the urgency in change is to make the world more manageable for the world's children. And yet as I say this, I fully recognize that there is no equilibrium in their conditions. I guess this is the nature of the world, and when the appetites of power and privilege in men are not curbed, the conditions only worsen.

There is good in the society that I live in, but sometimes I wonder if the good outweighs the bad. The thousand and one pros and cons, ambitions and fears, and realities and illusions play in my mind. They sometimes keep me awake at night as I wonder what my role is in this chaotic world.

I am not an apologist for who I am, nor for where I came from, nor for where I stand now. But for many, all these realities are seemingly incompatible. In a recent discussion about racism and discrimination, I realized that it takes me a while to recall situations in which I've been discriminated against. My logic for this was that such acts are sourced in ignorance (and often arrogance), and by storing such incidents in my "easy recall" memory (the official term of this memory store is beyond me) I would be giving them value in my life. I don't value such things, but I value the need to change. Thus, it's necessary to examine the areas of error in order to find suitable solutions.

What am I talking about you wonder? Ah, I wish I could simplify it, but it's the complication of the world that we live in. We cannot wash our hands off of this world, and we must know that there are pockets of beauty in all this chaos. But I still find it difficult to witness greed when I know that poverty exists. I cannot accept unearned advantage where injustice exists. I cannot accept lies where morality is at stake. I cannot. And yet, what can I do about it?

From where does our world's degeneration stem? SubhanAllah... Ya Rab...

In this year's Eid ul Fitr khutba, Shaykh Ramzy Ajem mentioned that we live in a time when extreme opposites are easily visible. Perhaps in previous generations these dichotomies were discreet and only apparent to those of keen insight, but today, it defies blindness to not notice. And as I find myself reimmersed in these competing ideologies, I know that I have only one thing keeping me sane. He, the Almighty, placed me in this, and as uncomfortable as it may be sometimes, I submit to His plan for me.

I must remind myself that while the ways of this world continue and our challenges for establishing morality and justice increase, God's plan is in effect. My greatest challenge then is not to try to save myself from getting sucked into the tornado of chaos but instead it is to embrace the clarity of indisputable truth and let it be my strength. By God's grace, I know that at this point I have the means to survive this chaos where many others may not. While my thoughts walk along spiralling paths, eventually He will show me the light of balance. Praise be to God for every condition.

***The following is a very enlightening lecture by Tim Wise entitled "The Pathology of White Privilege." He articulates the interconnectedness of power, privilege, and responsibility very well and I believe that many of us, regardless of our race, need to understand the systems at work including those of divide and conquer.

Convoluted Clarity

2009-09-27T22:07:00.006-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

*Where's the love y'all? I don't know. Where's the truth y'all? I don't know.*
- Black Eyed Peas
There I was standing on a mountain. The large village was clearly visible down below. My eyes scanned over the greenery and the sparsely placed clusters of homes and neighbourhoods. There I was standing on a mountain.

The air blew into my eyes. I lifted up my (face) veil and took in a deep breath as my veil carefully followed the lead of the calm wind. It was my only chance in life to scream my heart out. But I'm not a screamer. It was my only chance in life to fly with the birds. But I had no wings. Instead I savoured the scenery. The flavour still remains on my lips. There I was standing on a mountain.

My dreams no longer take me there, and I'm forced to handle my life here in both wakefulness and sleep. It's an honour in its own right. But I cannot forget that there is clarity on mountain tops. There is real clarity in every effort to elevate one's thoughts and purpose from the tangible, the menial, the inconsequential, and the ineffectual. There is great clarity in the heightened awareness of true value and worthy perspectives.

And when we cannot reach such heights in our efforts to reach this clarity, we grapple with whatever we can to try to decipher the world around us. But the only value that we get from this is a sense of anticipatory renewal or insight. Perhaps angst gives us hope as there must be clarity after confusion. No?

I really don't know. I wait and long for the chance to reach those heights where I can soar with the birds in their seemingly effortless flight. But I recognize that I am in a complete state of unawareness, and my heart challenges it every single day. Only God knows how much longer such subtle conflicts can persist without affecting serious damage. We put our trust in Him and pray for the best.

Success is with You ya Rab. Clarity is with You ya Haleem. Forgive us, guide us, teach us, and let us not be content with anything other than You and Your guidance and direction. On You alone we depend. And though we may stray, our hearts long for You and only You. There is nothing of the world we seek except You and Your love, mercy, and guidance. Grant us an awareness of what it means to know You and to be close to You. Let that be our sweetness, and let that be our success. Ameen.

Guilty

2009-09-16T23:19:00.003-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Most days I feel like I can't pinpoint it
But some days I realize that I can
I don't deny that there is good in it
As it is all part of God's masterful plan

But as I like to tell myself that I submit
I know this cannot be true
And as difficult as it is to admit
I need to see myself anew

Yes, I am walking and only on Him I depend
But my restlessness is a source of concern
Are these emotions that I must suspend?
Or is there a lesson that I must now discern?

It's not greener on the other side
I'll be the first to say
But it's neither a matter of wealth or pride
But instead an effort to find a way

And though the path is increasingly unclear
We live only a moment at a time
Only with His guidance can I attempt to steer
An empty heart's life of crime

الحمد لله على كل حال

The Big Day

2009-08-08T02:02:00.004-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Where are the sheets that will be used to wrap my body? Where is the wood that will be used to cover me? Where is the shovel that will dig the hole within which I shall eventually lay? Who will place me in my new home? Such preparations need to be made for death is our companion in every wakeful state.

Rather, you find me busying myself with vain endeavours, none of which are worth the time needed to make mention of them.

Check the calendar, and there it is marked. In invisible ink, the exact day is not seen, but it is the only scheduled occurrence worth anticipating.

As a bride prepares herself for her wedding, so too shall we prepare ourselves for our big day. Who will perform the final wash? Sidr instead of soap. All uncleanliness is removed. An odd number of washings, one, three, maybe five or more. Soaped, washed, and combed, complete with three braids. No cosmetics needed, but perhaps a few dabs of perfume.

Turned onto one's right side, the story of one's life is over, and a new chapter of existence is opened. The next realm of existence is met.

What awaits us? O Lord, what awaits us?

O Allah, my heart does not comprehend the reality of promised death, and my mind fails to deliver the reminder. Walking blindly in this world, we seek Your protection from the evils of ourselves and beg of Your vast mercy. Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim, forgive us, guide us, let our last moment be the best moment of our lives. Let that day be one of rejoice for us. Ya Allah, ighfir lana wa iftah qulubana ilayka, qawiy imanana, wa 'atiyna husnal khaatima, ameen.

Update 13-08-09:

Please watch "Washing and Shrouding the Deceased"
A Flash presentation by Islamway

Weakness

2009-08-04T22:18:00.012-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

I cannot claim that I love you for I do not follow you as one would follow her beloved. But I long for you, ya Habib. I hope for a way to come to you, to know you, to love you, and to be united with you.

These days I am trying even harder to keep you and your reality in mind. But there is a great weakness in my commitment to you for reasons that I cannot process intellectually. Why would one want other than your love? Why would one who has no conflict with your personage or with a single word or action or decision attributed to you look for anything other than the sweetness of your company?

I met those who claim to love you, and I noted that their claim is followed by actions. Their patient smiles are only on account of following your way. Their gentle words emulate your character. Their anger, expressed only for His sake, reflects your anger. When my eyes met theirs, I knew that that which I thought I shared with you was in fact a mere illusion.

But in my hopes, in my long hopes, I hope that perhaps this longing is a seed of love that will eventually grow and perhaps even blossom. Perhaps one day I will be amongst those who shall be honoured to stand with you. I need not greet you. I need not know that you know me. The One knows me. And He has honoured you. For this reason, I want to see you. May my eyes one day behold your blessed presence, O you who is beloved to the One who has power over all, He who deserves all praises. To Him shall we return. You are the precursor, and His manifestation is the epitome of success and rewards.

You are my means to Him. You are the one who I need to walk with in order to get to that sweet end. You are the only one from creation that I want encompassing my life. But I remind myself again that these are only words. Perhaps one day actions will follow. Perhaps one day. Until then, forgive me. Forgive me for the great time that I have wasted and continue to waste wandering through meadows far from your reach. I wrong you not, and only I feel the pain of my misdirection. Forgive me for belittling love.

May God's peace and blessings be upon you ya Habibullah, and upon your family and your companions, and those who love you. May He unite us, those of us who long for your company and love, in the best of places and in the best of ways. Ameen.

***

Al Mahabba Awards 2008
Muhammad Nabina
صلى الله عليه و سلم
with Hamada Helal

Update 08-08-09:

Al Qasidah Al Muhammadiyah
with Ahbab Al Mustafa

(Al Qasidah Al Muhammadiyah is a cherished qasidah. You can watch a video which includes the Arabic and English text here.)

عليه الصلاة و السلام

In the least, pray.

2009-07-30T16:38:00.005-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

If you were a mother who gave birth to a child at only five months gestation, and then you cared for him by yourself, in a new country as a refugee, at what point would you hope for easier conditions? If your child grew up never learning how to chew for himself as a result of medical malpractices and instead has only the opportunity to eat pudding or drink milk formula, would you remember to be grateful? If your son grew up to be stronger and taller than you, with unmanageable behavioural tendencies, would you have someone to turn to for support?

We take far too many things for granted. We forget many of the struggles that our parents have gone through and continue to go through on our account. Only recently, my parents worried over me as I didn't return home until late. They could have called me to see that I was alright, and I could have called them to tell them as much, except that I didn't want to disturb them as I figured that they must have gone to bed already. Little did I realize that they could not sleep knowing that I wasn't home yet. I hate even a single minute of worry that my family has endured on my account, but those minutes have been many. Nonetheless, at the same time, I am tremendously grateful to know that there are people in this world who care about me and my well being and who I can count on for support in my times of need. Praise be to God for these blessings.

Tonight though, I think many of us will have a difficult time putting our minds at ease as we think of a lady in our community who is facing a very difficult time in her life today, along with her son. Today she must admit him into the care of a mental hospital, and as much as she doesn't want to and as much as he doesn't want to go, they have no other option. Caring for him as a single mother has finally reached its limits, and this seems the only reasonable option, at least for the moment. I don't know what he might be thinking right now, but I'm sure he is insecure in his new environment and scared. Both mother and son have and will continue to shed more tears during this change in their lives, and for those of us who hear of their story, we seem to have little to offer them in support.

Pray for them and all the others who are facing troubled and lonely times. Pray for their ease in this world and their peace of mind. Pray for them to have patience during these trials and relief of these hardships. Pray that God opens a way for us to use ourselves as tools in His service helping to ease the difficulty of many situations faced by many of our sisters and brothers worldwide. Ameen.

Good Company

2009-07-28T01:00:00.014-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

As the sun and rain work together, they are the means by which the earth is nourished, vegetation is fed, and life is restored. Such an intimate interplay is a great blessing from God, He who has power over all things. Interestingly, this same interaction continued over the last few days as Camp Nur 2009 was in effect. The weather easily and swiftly alternated between sunny and rainy such that as we enjoyed ourselves outside in the brightness of the sun, we could hear the rumbling of distant thunder. It was quite a fascinating and fitting interchange.

Most would consider rainfall during a summer camp to be something of a downer, but for me, it was nothing short of a great blessing. It is during gentle rainfall that we have a chance to witness God's mercy, and it is during bright sunshine that we can reflect on His compassion. Very practically speaking, rain can serve as medicine for the spiritual heart and the wondering mind. Supplications to God during the time that rain descends are answered. I tried to remember this as I arrived at the campsite and it started to drizzle. While I enjoyed the freshness and coolness of the rain, I attempted to remind myself not to take it for granted. SubhanAllahi wa bihamdihi, subhanAllahi al Azeem.

I cannot fully articulate the impact that this camp experience has had on me. Suffice to say, it was far from a normal camp phenomenon. The Muslim world has just entered the month of Sha'baan which is said to be the month of Prophet Muhammad peace and blessings be upon him. During our four days and three nights at camp, we had the opportunity to sit at the feet of a scholar who is a descendant of Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him and his family. This fact in itself makes the reality of these past few days indescribable.

Shaykh Abdallah Al Haddad's involvement in the camp was heart moving to say the least. His presence, one that is always clothed with compassion and care, never failed to bring a smile to my face or heart. "Kayfa haaluki ya Farzeen?" he would ask me each day. "Anti bekhair?" In some ways, I regret not being in his presence more often over the last few days, but I know that Allah gave me what I needed in the exact dose that I needed it in lessons, good company, and simple fun.

There were only about fifty campers at Camp Nur this year. It was a small group, but they were gems. Each and every single one of them was a shining star. It really is a wonder that I can say this, as most times there is a rowdy one here or there who can't quite be trusted to keep to the rules. And while some of the young women under my care did push the boundaries of rules, they never went so far as to be unreasonable or rude.

I really enjoyed their company, and I benefited tremendously from it. It was my complete honour and privilege to play with them, swim with them, learn with them, read Quran with them, sing with them, eat with them, pray with them, laugh with them, see their excitement, and witness their challenges. In their inclination to whine about the nuisance of feasting mosquitoes and long walks on muddy trails, I invited them to see goodness in the world around them. And my only hope with respect to my interaction with them is that they've taken to heart this one simple invitation.

The organizers of the camp are a different story. Though gems in their own right, to me they seemed to be as brilliant as distant planets that are visible in our night sky. They glowed in their character, speech, and general presence. I'm sure that if the whole camp experience was put on mute, I would have benefited by simply observing their behaviour which included both subtle and bright smiles, hearty hugs, a gentle stroke over a child's head, a twinkle of the eyes, a knowing nod, appropriate frowns, and praiseworthy gentleness. Their demeanor spoke to me far more than their words, and I'm still struggling to encompass such beauty. In many ways, I didn't belong amongst them, but Allah placed me there and I pray that I will be able to utilize the benefits of such wonderful companionship.

It's only the second day after camp, but I miss their company. Along with the wisdom that our dear Shaykh Abdallah shared with us, it was food for my heart and soul. But as I think about my time there and its end, I know that I would not want it to have been prolonged, but rather I must focus my energy on making a sincere effort to find and practice the good which has been delivered directly to me. Thus, I am reminded of some profound words that were shared with me in recent months, "As it's said, if the veils were lifted you wouldn't choose for yourself other than what Allah has chosen."

Thank You Allah.

Smooth Sailing

2009-07-15T17:06:00.008-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

In a deep, oceanic valley lies a deep thought that cannot be reached. The tongue could not move except out of complete necessity, and there remained that thought.

Now in type perhaps its silence can be removed, so with the deserving prophetic greetings of peace may it begin. But there is nothing to follow, and silence is the favoured option of the wise. Articulations betray one's secrets. Deeper meanings of simple words are easily captured by listening beyond the words themselves. This ultimate betrayal of the the soul begins and ends with the escape of just a single, untimely breath.

My nature is inclined to silence, though I've since overwhelmed it and learned to engage the amicable with both guarded insights or free thoughts. But it is in silence that sweetness settles upon the tongue. Eventually, what follows is tastier than any of the hasty appetizers that might have been served to avoid initial uncertainties. It's a meal well worth waiting for, perhaps. But then again, fasting is a gratifying option too. Let God choose the path, and whichever of the two prevails shall be superior.

As a friend gave voice to the challenges that life's directions offered, I listened. Offerings are only that, simple options. The choice need not be her own as it would necessarily be flawed. Chase, and chase, and chase some more, but you'll find your fruits at the end to be outwardly decent, perhaps even beautiful, but inwardly tasteless. Let Him choose, and you're guaranteed sweetness in every oasis you encounter.

I can regret a lot, but it would be a wasted effort. Instead, I thank my Gracious and Kind Lord for His many blessings, and I smile from my heart, deep within, wherein lies that thought. The thought that this life is only a journey. He will send us the provisions that we need as we feign self-dependent navigation. And in the silence of the night when deep thoughts can be heard, we will savour the pleasures of submission.

My Babies

2009-06-26T02:01:00.009-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Sweet child, resting in my arms. I rock you gently as we listen to words, blessed in their own right, praising our beloved, the beloved of Allah, Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him and his family.

Moments earlier tears rolled off your tender cheeks and soaked into your blanket. I still feel the moisture of your tears as I hold you close to me. I lightly stroke your cheeks, and you open your eyes very briefly. Sleep gets the better of you, and in your calm state you fall off into a deep slumber.

It seems like it was only yesterday when that was a reality. But time is moving quickly. In our separation, dreams kept us close. It seemed that not a day passed when I didn't think of you, miss you, pray for you, and hope for our reunion. When it came, you surprised me with your maturity, your strength, and your ability to 'take me down.' I've since learned to play the fighter, and enjoy every minute of our synchronized laughter filling the room.

The room is now silent. And in its silence, I must take a lesson.

I no longer hope for what may never be, but I try to remember to focus on our guarantees. You are blessings by Allah's will only. Your presence warms the hearts of those who love you, and this is none other than a gift from God. I try to refrain myself from believing that my selfishness for your company is something worthwhile. God has opened another path for you, and as I plead with Him to take care of you and all your affairs, I trust His plan for you and us all completely.

I cannot afford to love you for anything other than His sake. Regardless, my love for you knows no bounds. You'll always be my babies regardless of the changes that we face.

Until we meet again, God willing... May Allah keep you both safe, make you blessings for your mother and loved ones, and make you among the righteous, ameen.
I love you too.

For tomorrow...

2009-06-17T02:15:00.004-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

For the tomorrow that never comes, I'll fill my day with dedicated study and fruitful reflections.

For the tomorrow that never comes, I'll dedicate only a few hours to sleeping and eating.

For the tomorrow that never comes, I'll avoid any distractions and remain focused.

For the tomorrow that never comes, I'll speak only good or remain silent.

For the tomorrow that never comes, I'll honour my family members.

For the tomorrow that never comes, I'll beautify my character.

For the tomorrow that never comes, I'll treat time as a gift.

For the tomorrow that never comes, I'll repent for my sins.

For the tomorrow that never comes, I'll savour my prayers.

For the tomorrow that never comes, I'll serve others.

For the tomorrow that never comes, I'll begin today.

For the tomorrow that never comes, I weep.

Gentle Eyes

2009-06-13T22:15:00.013-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Those eyes. Even a clone could not imitate them. There is a soul that shines through those brilliant eyes. Your eyes. Likened to a radiating star that challenges the darkness of the night. Peace rests in those eyes.

Eyes are windows to the soul. Not mascara, nor eyeliner or kohl, nor eye shadow, nor anything tangible can add or detract from the beauty of the messages hidden beneath those lowered eyelids. Only in rare and discreet glimpses are the messages, a raiment of hidden jewels, shared and another given entry.

Such is the appeal I find in my gentle giants who shelter their families and mourn their deceased. Though clothed with an intimidating demeanor, they exemplify patient tolerance, dedication, and a promise to care.

But I also see their sadness, and my eyes share their pain. Hunted, caged, abused, and mocked. How can we cage souls for entertainment? How can we justify the torment of any soul? We forget that punishments can only be carried out with just reasons and in accordance with the guidelines of the One who created all that the universe contains. His laws uphold justice and peace. Actions that go beyond His laws are transgressions for which we will be held accountable.

O gentle eyes, o sweet eyes, you see the way. For you, the path is clear, but for me it is not. Your eyes are innocent and your purpose lived, but not so for me. I look into your eyes and hope and pray for the same enlightenment and strength. You opened the window to your soul, though only for a brief moment, and then I knew that were I to do the same one would find only dust.

May the light of your eyes lead the way, by the permission of God. May He forgive us all for our guilty transgressions and may He establish our hearts in the firm and lovingly remembrance of His transcendence and generosity. Ameen.

A Gentle Glimmer

2009-06-11T00:37:00.008-04:00

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Like dust floating aimlessly from one surface to the next, as it is easily affected by changing wind patterns or eager dust rags, there is sometimes no meaningful direction in sight. Ambitions are only glorious words, and opportunities are closed gates.

But sometimes, as we sit in our reflective corners, we subconsciously turn our faces to the room's generous window. Our gaze lingers without a focus as we toss around those perturbing thoughts, and then our consciousness taps into a sea of shimmering molecules. The sun's wisdom caresses the directionless dust, and in their tranquil and harmonious interaction we find a suitable door through which we may lead our thoughts.

It is through such a door that I hope to carry (and not drag) some of my thoughts.

The human condition is a disappointing one. People will let us down, even if we think that our expectations of them are elementary. It seems too much to expect sincerity in most. It's becoming second nature to consider most promises as good as empty. But that's okay. As frustrating as it may be, in the grand scheme of things it is ineffectual and thus it must not be given more attention than it is worth.

We must live with our principles that carry us, our certainty of faith that guides us, and our dependence on God that supports us. And while we continue to stumble over the same rocks and new pebbles, we must pick ourselves up, even though we may stand alone, and carry on with the preparations that must be achieved for the life of eternity that awaits us.

From irritable indifference, there needed to be a way out. And while the path out and beyond the sheltered cave isn't clearly marked, there is a gentle glimmer.

And it's called hope.

Rock and Paper Scissors

2009-06-04T23:52:00.002-04:00

Bismillah

Now let's look to the moon again and beg for a lesson. Switch off the sun and see how its counterpart responds. O bright moon, you aren't to be found. Lost in a galaxy of darkness, bereft of a crown. Such is the case when you take out truth.

What's a textbook word, a plastered face, and lip service except falsehood, an oppressive injustice. Trying to bring in the bling but forgetting that dignified integrity is the only shine worth keeping.

We holla' simple, but don't misunderstand that for a glorified cheap. The price is high. A moral conscience and sincere actions are priceless, the absence of which sets one's worth at zero.

It won't bleed though, not a single tear. Such is the nature of a rock. And what is this world except a collection of eroding rocks?

And so it is, the moon too is just a rock. And we are much the same. Our jewels are not our own. An easy flick of the switch - kun fa-yakun - be and it is. Then what?

If the narcism of others is intolerable, then what of our own selfish natures? This world offers nothing but a mirror. An ugly reflection indeed.

"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth."
-Henry David Thoreau

The Lone Dandelion

2009-05-20T21:29:00.010-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

"You forgot one dandelion" the little boy informed his grandfather. They spent some time in the garden tending to the flower beds, lawn, and the many weeds. The astute four-year-old was an eager helper enjoying his time with his grandparents. But this young assistant takes his surroundings for granted as he has to yet to discover his family's history and all that it entails. It is a history of migration and something that he must learn to embrace.

The term "immigrant" is tossed around in various political or economic arenas. People question the wisdom in allowing "others" into "their" country often times neglecting their own histories of migration. Regardless, countries are dependent on migrants, and citizens owe it to themselves to recognize that a country only grows richer with increased cooperation.

My family was like that lone dandelion in the garden. We immigrated to Canada almost twenty years ago from a life of relative comfort in a country of despicable corruption to a life of sacrifice in a country of relative peace. It was not easy trying to build a new life for ourselves as we faced a new array of challenges in a place where we lacked social networks and supports. But God takes care of our affairs, and after some time it has become the only place that we are familiar enough with to call home.

I am very grateful for my history of migration as it offers me an alternate lense to view the world. It's almost as good as travelling except that the "them" that my fellow citizens use to refer to immigrants will always be an "us" for me.

There are a host of psychological readjustments that immigrants must adopt in their new homes. Tariq Ramadan speaks of these, and once mentioned a very simplistic yet profound idea, "there is no such thing as a minority citizen." The implications of such a truthful statement are vast and demands the attention of all citizens.

The challenges that refugees face are a lot more multifaceted and increasingly more difficult. A refugee, by definition, is one who flees for safety, especially to another (foreign) country. A forced migration often times means one comes from an unstable environment to a new land without the means to easily establish oneself there.

Al Amaanah is an organization based in Houston, Texas that strives to serve the needs of the refugee population in that vicinity. Their name points directly to the responsibility that they acknowledge each community has towards the struggling (refugee) segment of the population. It was very inspiring watching these three (1, 2, 3) videos regarding their work.

One young man specifically mentioned that it is difficult for people in need to ask for a helping hand and it is upon those who are able to offer themselves and their contributions before a person is forced to ask. He also mentioned that every community has people who are need and it is up the rest of the community to seek these people out and offer them help in honourable ways.

I pray that God gives this organization divine success (tawfiq) and facilitates their efforts for His sake. May He help other communities combine and utilize their resources in the service of others for His sake, and may He give ease to all those who are suffering worldwide, ameen.

In closing, my use of the term dandelion in reference to immigrants is absolutely not meant to belittle. In fact, I'm hoping that it would invite us to think deeper about how we classify newcomers in our midst. Those who know the value of the dandelion plant actually seek it, collect it, and use it to improve their health. Most of us though cannot see its beauty and instead take cheap shots as we uproot it from a place it deserves to flourish.

As with many things, it only takes an initial effort to put ourselves in other people's shoes in order for us to be more productive and empathetic towards the situations that we face as communities.

And success is from God alone.

Focusing In

2009-05-18T14:12:00.007-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

وَ قُل رَبِّي زِدنِي عِلماً

Have you noticed how perseverant the devil is in his oath to distract mankind from the worship and servitude of the One and True Lord of all that exists? His arrogance led him to make such an oath, and he works wonders in trying to fulfill his goals.

It amazes me how we, people in general, are able to persevere in our wrong actions. I suppose we have both the support of the ego (nafs) and Shaytan that makes that path easier. As Shaykh Abdullah Al Haddad (of Fes) mentioned once, the nafs is the daughter of Shaytan. They're a lethal father-daughter tag team that are very easily sustained.

However, intellectually, I don't blame Shaytan for my wrongdoings. He probably has a portion of blame, but only insofar as delivering an invitation to follow a misguided and undesirable way. Acceptance of that invitation and execution of its requirements are all matters that sit firmly on my plate of life's choices. And this is a burden I place on myself.

If the world was like a video game that has a power bar in the peripheries of our vision continuously telling us how much we earn in terms of rewards and how much punishment we've reaped from our misdeeds, most of us would likely despair. But life is not a video game, and our ability to rectify our situation is always an accessible option. It's almost like a game that has 'cheats' but in life (since life isn't a game) there are windows of opportunity to overcome the negative effects of our transgressions.

This is simply achieved, as I see it, by directing our sincere efforts to praiseworthy endeavours and most importantly sincerely seeking God's forgiveness with the resolve not to continue nor return to our wrongdoings.

It seems quite the challenge to remain focused in the honourable pursuits of life because they are harder to sustain. I suppose a firm support system needs to be established, and often times that comes from one's home. And more importantly, I imagine that our efforts toward good are only made easier by seeking knowledge for His sake.

Shaykh Abdullah Al Haddad visited Toronto in the summer of 2007. In my absence, my friend kindly shared some of his words with me. She had asked him about knowledge and how some students of (beneficial) knowledge feel weak or lack perseverance in their studies. She said his response was lengthy but he essentially said, something to the effect, "Many people ask regarding this issue. However, if we only realized the importance of this knowledge, we would never feel this way (lazy or lacking in motivation)." He also said that if we were sensitive to the responsibility we have concerning this knowledge ('ilm), these feelings would be impossible.

We cannot worship God in fear of Hell, nor can we worship Him in anticipation of Paradise. Our entry into Paradise is only granted by His mercy. But we must strive to worship Him and to perfect our worship of Him because He is deserving of this complete servitude.

The road is not an easy one, but half the time I think most of us are looking for the actual path, never mind attempting to tread it. Again, I think it's by the light which God bestows through knowledge that the path will become clearer, God willing.

May Allah bless us with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. May He forgive our sins and help us draw closer to Him. May He protect us from deceiving ourselves and distracting ourselves in fruitless and blameworthy pursuits. And may He take us back to Him in the best of states. Ameen.

Update 19/05/09:

Narrated Dirar ibn Murrah: Iblis said: "If I am successful in persuading man to do three things, then that will be all I need: to make forget his sins, to regard his good deeds as too many, and to be proud of his opinion."

.رب انفعنا بما علمتنا... رب علمنا الذي ينفعنا, آمين

Recharge

2009-05-14T00:37:00.003-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

Most seem not to need to recharge during this time of the year. Spring, by itself, invites renewed enthusiasm. And how can it not? With budding leaves, blossoming flowers, emerging butterflies, and refreshing rain, it begs one to look ahead with positive and optimistic anticipation.

But even though I welcome this spring season, it seems not to be the same as I've previously seen it. As I listen to today's howling wind that co-exists alongside whistling birds and the bright evening sun, I recognize that some of us still sing with that very same wind.

So instead, I find my sense of renewal, at least for now, in words that a sister documented last year during her forty days in Tarim, Hadramawt, Yemen.

***Day 25
Just like you die if you stay three days without water, your heart will die if it stays three days without listening to anything that reminds you of Allah, whether it is Qur'an recitations, lectures etc. So what if you're not only not listening to things that remind you of Allah, but listening to things that make you forget Him? Habib Umar

Every time you sin layers are added to your heart, until eventually your feelings [towards Allah] are blocked. Every time you feed your body what it wants, it just wants more. And when you do that your soul is dying. If it could talk to you it would tell you to feed it; the food of souls is worship. Sheikh Imaad

Day 15
It's ok to sometimes meander from the spiritual path. As long as you have a goal in mind, you can always get back to it, just like a car can get back on the road if it takes a right or left. Habib Umar

Day 35
"[Don't be] the man who wants to be learned in the sciences of religion but spends his time in idelness and says, 'God is generous and merciful, able to fill my heart with that knowledge with which He filled the hearts of His prophets and saints, without any effort on my part, any repetition, any learning from a teacher. Again, you resemble the man who wants wealth, yet does not engage in farming or commerce or any gainful occupation." Imam al-Ghazali

Day 36
To attain the secret of knowledge, act upon it. To attain the secret of dhikr, do copious amounts of it. To attain the secret of prayer, have presence in it. Habib Kathim

Day 39
People are sick of kalaam [talk] and they won't listen to it anymore. We don't need people who talk anymore, we need people who act, and who do da'wah through their character and behavior, not their speech. Habib Ali

A Breath Away

2009-05-07T06:21:00.003-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

For much of this past year, I've felt like a fish out of water. Yesterday marked one year when I last breathed Yemeni air, and I do miss it. I miss it a lot.

As I listen to the rainfall this early morning, I can't seem to get back to sleep. It poured and poured the night that I was scheduled to fly out of Sana'a delaying my flight by five hours. And while many might have found the delay a nuisance, it was yet another blessing in God's ultimate plan for me. By the time I made it to Frankfurt to catch my connecting flight, I only needed to wait in the boarding terminal for about half an hour before boarding. My preference, by far, was to spend five hours sitting in Sana'a's humble airport.

There are endless memories - thoughts, reflections, dreams, experiences, interactions, sights - from my time in Yemen that I've drawn from over the last year. Interestingly, they have helped me in many ways as I lived through what has been the most challenging year of my life thus far. My life is far better than most, alhamduliLlah, and it is pretty problem-free, but there are things that I've almost taken for granted that have changed and that force me to restructure my approach to life. I am confident that peace will eventually meet me if I persevere, God willing.

Perseverance. It's really a difficult word to describe, and my life has been far too easy for me to ever claim to have any insights into its deeper meaning. But in my own simple way, I have had a taste of it.

I suppose it's fair to say that most who know me note that I'm particularly fond of Arabic. It was in search of her sweetness, at least initially, that took me to Yemen (and God knows best). However, it might surprise these same people to know that sometimes I wanted to give up. Though I only studied for about sixty percent of the time that I was in Yemen, I devoted my attention at those times wholeheartedly to my studies. After my short class each day, I'd return to my abode, be it my empty though peaceful apartment, or a home of generous though trying strangers, or the confines of a bustling boarding school, and studied alone with my trusty dictionary ever nearby.

I would sometimes get frustrated with myself when I noted that I was looking up the same word in the dictionary for about the fourth time (if not more). I wondered why I couldn't remember its meaning the first or second time around. Nonetheless, it was what I had to do, so I did it. I couldn't detect the progress that I was making in the language, and I couldn't anticipate any end.

Finally, it was time to write a mid-term exam. My teacher had far more confidence in my abilities than I had (and still have) in myself (yet another blessing, alhamduliAllah), and thus prepared a somewhat challenging exam. I suppose it was about one hour into writing the exam when I realized that I was smiling. I probably smiled the entire duration of the exam as I engaged with the questions. True enough, I didn't know all the answers and I made some silly mistakes, but that's the meaning of learning, and I was learning.

Now, I'm afraid to even look at that same exam which I still have with me because it'll evidence all that I've forgotten or failed to build upon.

A year of my life has passed, and I have not achieved even a minute percentage of the goals that I put before myself as I made my way back home. I suppose my goals are superficial in their own right, and I need only focus my attention on the needs of my heart, but that's an even heavier weight which I'd be blessed to be able to carry.

My longing for Yemen has little to do with the country itself (though it is a beautiful place) but rather focuses in on what it offered me. I remind myself that those offerings come from a single source, and it is to Him we must submit.

Peace is only a breath away, and I pray that it's a breath that finds its way to me before I breathe my last, insha'Allah wa ameen.

Walk With Me - Part II

2009-04-25T15:18:00.037-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

... a continuation

When people ask us "What's it like being a twin?" we can only respond with a similar question, "What's it like not being a twin?" It's the only way we know. Our sisterhood is something we can take for granted, but our friendship, though transient in nature, is something that not all twins share.

It's not easy trying to articulate the specifics, and a part of me really doesn't want to. But for the sake of making a clear connection, I will have to try.

Our sisterhood, as with other familial relations, means that we'll eventually forgive each other. If we really need the other, we can eventually find the other helping. If we need someone to listen to our confusion and offer some insights, we can find this person with ease. If we need the reminder of another's compassion, care, and love, we need only spend some quality time together. If we need something as drastic as a kidney, we need only ensure that the doctors are prepared to perform the surgery.

Our friendship, as I've never seen in any other (parents excluded), means we forgive each other before the wrongdoing is complete. If only the thought of some basic need comes to mind, we find the other already facilitating its acquisition. If we speak to each other, any angst or distress present soon vanishes. We never seek a reminder of the other's love, compassion, and care as its evident in all our interactions. And if we ever need something as urgently as a heart transplant, we would only settle on sharing that one heart knowing that one's loss would be too great for the other to bear.

You might think that I'm exaggerating in my descriptions, but in essence, it's the complete truth. The friendship we have shared indicates that we care for each other more than ourselves and the other person's pain hurts us far more than our own. Our individual successes are shared by us both with equal enthusiasm, and we embrace being true to ourselves while in each other's company. Perhaps this is exactly what is meant by sakinah - tranquility, or to be at complete ease with another. It's a beautiful thing, alhamduliAllah.

But how does this all relate to marriage? In her life, it means that her best friend needs to be her husband. Their relationship is eternal in nature, unlike our own, and necessitates their complete commitment. In my life, it means that my closest attachment has to be beyond the tangible. Let me elaborate.

God blesses marriages with love, mercy, and tranquility (mawadah, rahmah, wa sakinah), and by virtue of such blessings, one might expect that married couples share all that I described above. We do not doubt, not for even a nanosecond, that God's promises are true. He has equipped all marriages with these essential items of true companionship that will hopefully be utilized by both husband and wife as they strive for something greater than the superficial and ephemeral.

Marriage is nothing other than a means to helping us achieve our goal of coming closer to our Lord and serving Him as He invites us to do, and yet, this beauty of sakinah and companionship is not easily visible among most married couples. Yes, I know, marriage is difficult. Growing up, my sister and I bickered enough for me to know that discord is a part of life. But how often do couples get through it and use it to improve their relationships? God only knows.

Again, I readily admit that I am in no position to speak about marriage. But if I can articulate my hopes in this regard, it would be that husbands and wives are also best friends. It goes beyond their obligations to each other as spouses and it embraces love and mercy manifesting itself into a life of tranquility, God willing.

The difference between marriage and friendship is that Shaytan prides himself and his people on destroying marriages, and he will fight couples relentlessly to achieve this end. As I've heard from teachers, the way to combat his interference is for both husband and wife to unite as they fill their home with dhikr, the remembrance of God. Shaytan is repelled by this, and it will deter his hopes. Please don't give him the pleasure of destroying a relationship that has the potential to grow into a beautiful abode in this chaotic world.

Sometimes though, some marriages just don't work. And God knows best why that it is. If such should occur, it still remains an obligation on both husband and wife to separate in a good way. As my father says, "Start with dignity, and end with dignity."

For those who are single and may never marry, there is something profound in it too. Should Allah will for you to marry, you will marry. And if not, you won't. It's as simple as that. But do you think that Ar Raheem, The Most Mericful, does not have something sweet for you too? Kalla, no. Have a good opinion of your Lord, and you'll always find sweetness in front of you, God willing.

As I tell myself now, there are two doors from which we (married or single) can enter into this sweetness - the love of the Quraan and the love of HabibiLlah, the beloved of God, Prophet Muhammad, may God's peace and blessings be upon him and his family. In fact, we all must strive to enter from both doors, and know that Allah will send us what we need, be it marriage or otherwise, if we truly seek success with Him alone.

For more information (this is my very polite way of insisting) about developing a relationship with Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, listen to these lessons (and this one in Arabic), insha'Allah.

Walk With Me - Part I

2009-04-25T02:05:00.011-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

So let's combine my idealistic and peripheral observations with my continuously unachieved hope for worthwhile reflections. It's a dangerous combination given my lack of both direct experience and a suitable personal frame by which to place these thoughts. Consider yourself forewarned. You'll get only what you want to get from this, God willing - nothing more and nothing less.

***
Parenthood aside, marriage seems to be inspired by romantic ideals. But it takes a lot to keep the flames of such fanciful notions alive given the daunting task of trying to live with someone after some 20 or 30 odd years of not having to deal with that person, his habits, personality, interests, family, and moods.

For others, the dominant appeal in marriage seems to lie squarely on religious progression. But that too cannot be taken for granted, especially when you find that your significant other is struggling just as much as you with his spiritual aspirations and neither of you have any idea how you can help yourselves let alone each other.

Financial and worldly ambitions aside, there remains the hope of finding a companion in one's spouse. And it is from this point which I hope to make some leaps in my thinking, bi ithniLlah.

By God's grace, I am no stranger to companionship. Before I was born, I met my playmate, my confidant, and my best friend - my sister and my twin. To strangers, our faces are one and the same. To intimate acquaintances, we delightfully compliment each other. And to family and loved ones, we are complete individuals always playing on the same team.

There aren't words sufficient enough for me to thank God for this great blessing of companionship, and I'm sure within in too He has a lesson for us both.

My twin sister is a wife, a mother, and a step-mother of a few loving and beautiful (masha'Allah wa alhamduliAllah) children, all of whom are gems and gifts from God. She is a selfless woman with a big heart who attempts to raise her children with high moral and ethical consciousness. Her strength, perseverance, vision, and hearty sense of humour (that often keeps me laughing) are few of the many beautiful characteristics that Allah has blessed her with (alhamduliAllah).

However, the inherent nature of this world is change and this blessed relationship must endure the same. But as with everything in life, we must face these changes with complete confidence in God and His plan for us.

***
Were my writing aids pen and paper, the ink in my pen has suddenly run dry and will remain as such until I can reclaim the balance between heart and mind. Only with that can I hope to find the clarity which I seek, by the infinite grace of Allah.

...continued here

Acquire knowledge.
It enables its possessor to distinguish right from wrong;
it lights the way to Heaven;
it is our friend in the desert, our society in solitude, our companion when friendless;
it guides us to happiness;
it sustains us in misery;
it is an ornament amongst friends;
and an armour against enemies.
-- Prophet Muhammad
....may God's peace and blessings be upon him

If I may...

2009-04-17T23:53:00.006-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

Excuse me for a moment, I want to complain. Yes, I just want to complain.

I want to mention something and tell whoever might bump into this insignificant portion of the web hoping to pass some of their precious time in a fruitless pursuit that the random thing which I choose to mention is annoying and irritating me. That's a complaint, right? To whine about something because it's bothering you or maybe because you just want to hear your own voice so you pick on anything or anyone and attempt to start a case. (It takes too much energy to find good things to say, so why bother, eh?)

But you see, I'm too boring. And I currently can't think of anything to complain about. Not even myself which is usually a good place to go to get a good and decent topic for a complaint. But no, I have nothing. Zip. Zilch.

And you know what? It feels great! Just great!

But say something happens, and then I do have a complaint, and I voice it out to you. Yes you... No no, not you, but you. Clear? As clear as mud. I hoped as much. You can add that to your list of complaints. Yes, say I was to present a complaint to you, what would you do? Because you know, I'd only tell you if I trusted you enough to be able to respond to my complaints in a worthy way.

Don't listen to me whine for the sake of my whining having an audience because then your being would be easily likened to a worthless board which my whining rebounds against and comes back to me exactly the same way. Noise. I might as well complain here, on the world wide web where everything bounces back even uglier than when it leaves my grasp.

If I should so burden you with my complaints, please listen. And then, offer some fruitful feedback.

Why? Because whining for the sake of whining is a waste of time.

So quit yer whining sweetheart!

A Brief Second

2009-04-16T02:36:00.005-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

It was, as always, in the midst of the night
When the shadow that danced upon the walls
Ceased to complete its infamously graceful steps
In concern, or was it despair, I arose to discover its purpose
Silenced, it could not be discerned
Where its steps ceased to exist, so too did its form
I waited
One second
And two
My breathing pausing alongside my anticipation
And then, there was motion
But only slight enough for the proctor to notice
And I did
And it hid its presence again
We had only just started the choreography
Of a speechless symphony
And as I stared into the darkness
Searching the walls for any sign of permanence
The world became clearer
For a second
A brief second
I knew that my waiting was in vain
The certitude of history beckoned acknowledgement
And the suspected guarantee of failure enlightened
The journey will be solitary for me
As hope cannot flourish in mere shadows
And in the deep crevices of the night
I still search for some strength
For a chariot of some sort to help carry me
To the abode of promises fulfilled
For it is by His graces alone
That in this world we can live

O Ramadhan

2009-04-06T00:51:00.010-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

Reminiscing...

Ramadhan was finally upon us. Any thought of it in the months preceding its arrival was difficult to bear. I wasn't sure of what the changes that year would mean to me. Suffice to say, it has almost been two years since then and thoughts of it still linger.

The location was breathtaking in the day, but especially so at night. How I loved the nights! The stars stood overhead, each smiling brightly. The moon giggled and when no one was looking, I'm sure she winked too. We were living with the stars, and it was spectacular.

The night sky has its way of stealing me, and so it did that very night as we sat in pitch darkness, the electricity cut again, on the porch of the neighbour's house. Her front yard boasted a small farm, one small enough that the house which I was then a resident of was easily visible.

For some years prior, my sister and I developed a tradition of singing a Ramadhan song together upon the arrival of Ramadhan. I probably hadn't had the chance to speak to her yet, and as I gazed at the beautiful night canopy, I thought of the song.

As the neighbour and her sisters fussed in the dark preparing coffee and snacks, I sat in silence savouring the beauty of the moon. I debated over the temptation to honour the family tradition alone, but I really didn't want the others to hear me. I soon gave in and started singing the song softly to myself while enjoying the splendor of the night sky.

My humming, unfortunately, caught the attention of my companions who quickly started 'hushing' each other so they could hear me better. I, of course, stopped. They asked that I continue, but being acutely aware of their full attention and my preference to minimize it and disappear into the night, I refused. They pleaded. I figured that it was God's blessing that the electricity was still not working, and with darkness as my cloak, I indulged their request allowing myself to embrace the meaning of the words. After which, I butchered the song in my attempts to offer a translation.

I relate this story because the fifth new moon that appears in our skies from now, God willing, will mark our beloved Ramadhan, and perhaps it's time we start preparing to meet her. I know I tell myself this every year, and every year I fail, but it seems to be about the only thing glowing on my horizon, and I owe it to myself to do something about it, insha'Allah.

One beauty of writing is that thoughts can be preserved, so I remind myself about these suggestions which I wrote a few years ago in attempt to prepare for Ramadhan's arrival.

May the Almighty allow us to live long enough to meet Ramadhan. May He help us as we try to renew ourselves for His sake, may He forgive our sins, and may He shower His infinite blessings upon us and our loved ones, ameen.

"Happy to Meet, Sorry to Part, Happy to Meet Again"

2009-04-02T20:57:00.007-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

Pain is a part of life, and it was a part of the life of our beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him. Beyond the physical challenges that he met in his life, be it hunger or illness, he also experienced a great level of emotional pain.

I wonder how it was that he responded to each situation. He experienced the loss of many who were not only close to be him, but they were beloved to him. God placed them each as a source of comfort in his life, and these people included his mother Aminah, his grandfather Abdul Muttalib, his uncle Abu Talib, his wife Khadijah, his daughters Ruqayyah, Um Kulthum, and Zaynab, among many other significant people, may God's mercy and peace be upon them all.

I'm sure he wept, and yet I'm also sure that none of these many incidences in his life caused him to falter in his focus on reality and the purpose of life. After all, he is the last and final Prophet of God, peace and blessings be upon him. He was aware of the nature of this world, which inherently includes joyful meetings and sorrowful partings.

We need to reflect on his life and his way of doing things so that perhaps we can have some share of a grasp on reality in our lives.

Most don't like saying goodbye to those whom they respect, care about, and love. It's hard to let go of the joys of such company, and yet sometimes it's necessary. I can recall, quite vividly, the most difficult goodbyes in my life, and still, there are more ahead, by the will of God.

I can face them with the thought that I'm losing something, or I can face them with the affirmation that peace and contentment is with God alone. And as I say goodbye to those I love, I must acknowledge that I have been blessed by the Almighty to have tasted such a sweet connection in the first place.

I remember my last face-to-face interaction with one dear sister. We had only met each other a few months prior to our parting, but time did not play much of a factor in connecting our hearts. As my departure time neared, she came to see me to share some parting words which started with, "You know, I really don't like goodbyes." We then decided that it would not be a goodbye, but rather it would be an "until we meet again, God willing" moment. It was a slight reframing of the same concept, but now it offered so much more.

This life ends, but souls do not perish by God's will. God, Most Generous is He, unites people again, and we pray that He unites us with our loved ones in the best of places, in Jannah, with the most beloved of creation, Al Habib, Al Mustafa, Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him. Ameen.

Darkness

2009-03-29T13:45:00.003-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

It was a windy and stormy night. I shuddered at the intensity of the night's thunder as I focused intensely on the road ahead of me. I'm not sure what exactly happened next, though I remember hearing the gratingly loud and irksome noise of metal crushing.

Shortly after, the sound of relentlessly loud honking filled my ears. I hoped it would stop soon as it was a merciless sound, but I soon realized that it was on account of my head resting on the steering wheel. I guess the airbag didn't activate. I tried to lift my head, now a dead weight, but I couldn't. I had no more control over my body.

I was in my final moments, and I realized that the Angel of Death was soon on his way to meet me. I was alone in a car far from anyone who normally offered me comfort. Panic started to set in as the reality of my situation became clear. Distress overtook me, and I wished there was someone nearby to read tasbih or Ya-Sin to lessen the pain in the process of my spirit's departure from my body.

It was the only moment of truth I would have in my life, and I continued to tremble at the thought of its approach. Tears flowed from my eyes, accompanied by ragged and terrified breathing. I tried to say the shahadah, and though it left my lips once, they were not my last words as I begged for God's forgiveness.

My fear was overwhelming, and I counselled myself to have a good opinion of my Lord, as He, the Exalted says, "I am as my servant thinks Me to be, and I am with him when he remembers Me." [Hadith] I tried to remind myself about a man's response when asked about his state as he lay on his deathbed. "Hoping in my Lord and fearful of my sins," he said. One then declared, "Never do these two things unite in the heart of a Muslim, in such a situation as this, but that God grants him what he hopes for, and gives him safekeeping from what he fears."

I opened my eyes and found myself alone looking at the ceiling of my bedroom, the experience evidenced by my tears.

I suppose all I had was a taste of what awaits me, and in God's great generosity, He allows me to live longer so that perhaps when the inevitable time comes for me to meet with the Angel of Death I may be better prepared.

Ya Rab, the veils of deception in this world are too great for me. I have nothing to hang onto except what You favour me with. Ya Allah, take us back to You in the best of states, let us meet You with a smile, and let our lives not be in vain. To You we submit, and from You alone we seek help. Let the purpose of our lives reflect in our actions, and protect us from wronging the bodies and souls with which you've blessed us. Ameen.

الله معي, الله شاهدي, الله حاضري, الله ناظري, الله قريب مني

Jokes! Or Not.

2009-03-23T16:56:00.007-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

By God's grace, I have the right to be called khala, a very honourable term in my humble opinion. Khala refers to one's mother's sister, who, ideally, is the next best thing to a mother (likewise, a father's brother is ideally the next best thing to a father). I try to teach the little people who call me khala tidbits of useful things when I can, one of which is that we can't be silly in three situations: praying, eating, and studying. Everything else is free game for silliness, and I'll gladly join them in that.

I suppose I've simplified the world by limiting seriousness to those three domains, but I think if most children practiced that, they would be well on their way to learning what it means to be a well-mannered individual, God willing. Perhaps I'm mistaken, and only hope that should I ever be blessed with the responsibility of caring for children, I'll be enlightened as to how to raise them decently.

As for adults, I think we need to broaden our horizons and think deeper about seriousness and jokes. My words here are primarily for myself, though this reflective piece has been inspired by some people's use of the term "fob" (an acronym for "fresh off the boat") or other derivatives of the word such as "fobbish" all of which I cannot tolerate as I consider them condescending, demeaning, and bereft of any useful place. I realize that this word is often used lightly without much consideration of its implications, but we cannot afford to be blind to what we say of others and its effects.

Let's consider one simply profound aspect of the character of our beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessing be upon him, his family, and his companions. It is said that he (peace be upon him) was seen by the people as one who was at ease, free of worries, and with a cheerful disposition. However, we know that there were many things that weighed on him. I consider his cheerful disposition the fruits of his dependence on his Lord and his desire to create a comfortable environment for the people where they could feel less burdened by the world around them. It is from him, upon whom be peace, that we learn that a simple smile is considered an act of charity, given its positive effects on others.

Interestingly, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), was not known to laugh much. As he is reported to have said, "By God, if you knew what I know, you would weep much and laugh little." Habib Husayn As Saqqaf explained that laughter is a characteristic of those who are heedless (al ghaafileen wa al baatileen).

For those of us who laugh easily, I imagine our sense of humour and the things within which we find humour all need to be reassessed with deeper insights.

And for those of us with serious dispositions, I imagine our sense of seriousness needs to be considered in light of how it may affect those around us and whether these effects are beneficial or not.

One cannot expect to find perfection amongst humans as it is a quality of the Creator and only reflected in creation as He wills. But ill-mannered, mean, regularly depressive, and hurtful behaviour towards creation does not befit the human spirit nor the human purpose.

And success is from God alone.

A Natural Spring

2009-03-21T08:30:00.013-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

While running through the desolate valley desperately seeking that which would ultimately come from Him, the miraculous spring of Zam Zam began to flow providing relief from the difficulties that Hajar and her son Ismail faced in the barren desert.

Perhaps in our own simple ways we reflect this same desperate search, though our struggles manifest themselves in our hearts instead. We run from place to place hoping and praying that from the ultimate source we may receive some of His many favours which would quench our thirst and fulfill some of our more pressing spiritual needs.

And by His awe-inspiring generosity and grace, He sends us a cool drink that feeds the heart for a time. But there are conditions for one to sip of certain fountains, and sometimes, despite the sweetness of the drink, the conditions are not met. And where the conditions can't or won't be met, one must take only enough of a sip to gather one's strength, and then one must move on while depending entirely on Him for an alternative.

When such efforts are exerted for His sake, one can be sure that the benefits of that sweet spring, though a mere sip, will be prolonged. Such is His generosity and grace.

O Lord, we turn to You alone. Let us taste of that which you sanctify for us and give us the strength to utilize Your blessings in service of You. Ya Rab, You are the Provider, the Sustainer, and the Source of all, forsake us not in the isolated valleys of our hearts, and send us the sustenance we need to proceed securely in our journey to You, ameen.

Inhaling Reality

2009-02-24T12:09:00.004-05:00

In the Name of God, The Beneficent, The Most Merciful

All praises belongs to Allah, the Lord and Sustainer of the Heavens and Earth and all that exists, He whose guidance we depend on, and upon whom we are all entirely dependent. May His peace be upon our beloved Prophet Muhammad and his family and companions.

The time has come, yet again, for me to discontinue writing here for some time best known to God. I am not travelling as I was the last time I paused this effort, nor am I attempting to pursue anything other than what most deem necessarily essential.

I fear that my words here may paint a picture that is not true of me or of the realities I attempt to discuss. I often speak of ideals, and though I attempt to make practical connections, I often fail. Such is the story of my life, and it shall remain as such unless I do something about it.

There are some who may read my words here and consider me pretentious, and perhaps they may be correct in their assessment. I do not want my words to come back to me, stare me in the face, and demand my response. I don't have the strength to face them in such a manner.

There are a lot of things that I have written here, in 112 posts over the past two and half years, but I must ask myself what my words have amounted to and where I am really going.

Travelling overseas to study (though half the time I wasn't studying), in my opinion, is not praiseworthy in and of itself. Our knowledge is only as good as what we act upon. And while I can claim ignorance in traditional knowledge, I cannot deny the life lessons that God has brought my way before, during, and after my travels and throughout my life.

Every breath is taking me closer to my grave, and if my words on this blog is all that speaks of my life, then I am in serious trouble.

It is time I turn to my Lord and beg His forgiveness for my mistakes, for my erroneous confidence in my misguided words, and for my many other shortcomings of which He is aware.

Those who have taken the time to read my ramblings here, forgive me for any wrong I may have caused you. I respect you, as silent as you are, knowing that we are travelling similar paths. I respect you for your character, humility, and your adab as you trek through this life, and I hope that perhaps I can share the same characteristics in my life at some point, insha'Allah.

May God grant the believers strength in their faith. May He guide those who are in earnest search of Him and His guidance. May the Almighty guide us to be only with those who help us through our journeys, and may He protect us from all that which distract us from making sincere efforts toward the ultimate goal of our existence. May He bless us all with a good ending, and take us back to Him in the best of states. May our return to Him be filled with a heavenly sweetness, and may His peace and blessings be upon His beloved, our Master Muhammad, and his family and companions, ameen.

Removing the Silence on Domestic Violence

2009-02-22T22:17:00.005-05:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

AlhamduliAllah, this video was recently e-mailed to me, for which I am very grateful. I think sermons such as this need to be in wide circulation because these issues need to be discussed and misconceptions need to be corrected.

I ask that you copy the link to this video on YouTube and e-mail it to all those you know, men and women alike, insha'Allah. Let not our silence contribute to the perpetuation of unacceptable practices.

Removing the Silence on Domestic Violence
- Shaykh Hamza Yusuf of Zaytuna Institute

God is My Sufficiency

2009-02-22T00:53:00.009-05:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

This last year has been challenging for Habibah, but her hopes are still alive and her faith is still strong. Her voice is now reserved, and no longer can naivety be found in her words. Her laughter, though thankfully still present, is not laced with innocent play as it once used to be, and her now careful tone continuously references her admiral perseverance. Unlike many who have walked a similar path, she doesn't dwell too long speaking of her struggles but she speaks of improved circumstances and moving forward. Perhaps she doesn't wish to burden her listener who can't help but carry some of her pain. For those who knew her a year prior, her story is heart-breaking and her forced "maturity" is a heavy change.

Habibah is a strong individual, and with God's help she will get through this all and come out a better person because of it. As her optimism remains, so too must it remain for those who care for her and whose hearts feel her pain. Her losses have been great, but so too must be her returns, God willing.

I wish I could say that "Habibah" is a fictional character, but she is very much real. And while I know that she will never be the person that she was so many months ago, I am confident that God will help her through her trials and He will favour her with His generosity and grace.

However, I keep asking myself about the human hands who are responsible for harming her and stripping her of her dignity. I have tried to make excuses for them, a husband and a mother-in-law to her, but I seem not to get very far.

I used to think that a telling sign of a man's potential goodness and integrity with his future wife would be his relationship with his mother. I've been proven wrong. A man can adore his mother, and on account of that he can justify the ill and despicable treatment of his wife. A man can speak words as sweet as honey, filled with spiritual and religious references and wisdom, and yet his actions can be as cruel as the devil himself.

A man who has no consciousness and fear of his Lord is hardly a man. One who has no shame before his Creator is one not worthy of much respect, if any at all.

There are many women and some men who get into marriages, religiously sanctified unions, only to have their lives turn from reasonably pleasant to miserable. It's ironic given that a spouse, in essence, is meant to be a protective garment. It's sad, really, to see a potential protective covering turn out to be a vile poison.

Marriages and relationships are a trust, a sacred trust. God entrusts us with the care of one from amongst His creation, and when we harm that trust, we must ultimately be prepared to answer to Him. As for the one who has been harmed, it is only befitting that he keep a good opinion of His Lord and attempt to continue chugging through life as Habibah continues to do now.

I suppose I will never understand what it is that makes one abandon the beauty of moral and ethical consciousness for the sake of other wretched options. Sometimes I wonder who it is that we can really trust, and I then recognize that we cannot (totally) trust anyone except our Lord. He gives us guidelines to follow. He offers us His guidance. He invites us every day to call on Him, and He even designates a special portion of the night specifically for us saying, "Who will call on Me so that I may respond to him? Who is asking something of Me so I may give it to him? Who is asking for My forgiveness so I may forgive him?" As long as we hold onto these things, regardless of what may come our way, we know that He will take care of us and our success will be with Him, God willing.

God is sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs.

حَسْبُنَا اللهُ وَ نِعْمَ الْوَكِيْل

Thank You Allah

2009-02-20T23:16:00.006-05:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

Then which of the favours of your Lord do you deny?
[Surah Ar Rahman]
Must something occur for a person to be happy? Must something change to incite happiness? Can happiness seemingly appear from thin air? It certainly can, but truly, joys are from none other than the One.

I am happy today, superbly happy, and my life hasn't changed in even the slightest way. But that's the thing, we need not wait for happiness. It's already with us. Right here.

Some will wait for acceptance letters or graduation notifications from educational institutions before they rejoice. Others may wait for the heart to flutter and an established betrothal before happiness hits its mark. And yet others may experience joy as they anticipate the birth of a child. All of these are joyful times, no doubt. But sometimes happiness takes nothing more than realizing that just being who we are at exactly this point in our lives is an amazing blessing.

So while I enjoy these moments of happiness, I invite you to do the same. As you sit there reading these words, know that you are privileged to read. Know that you are blessed to understand. Know that you are honoured to be you, alive and safe. And know that you are charged to express gratitude as you appreciate the favours that fill your world, all of which are generous gifts from your Lord to help you along this humble path called life.

May your smiles only bring more joy. May your gratitude inspire more hearts. May your actions touch the lives of others. May your happiness meet you at your destination.

Ameen.

Thank you Allah.

Update: 27-02-09

Abu Turāb (May Allah be well pleased with him) said, "O people, you love three things while they are not for you. You love the self, but it belongs to its desires. You love the life spirit, but it belongs to Allah. Finally, you love wealth, but it belongs to your inheritors. In addition, you seek two things [in the world] which you do not find: (1) rest and (2) happiness. These two things are only in Paradise."

Love is in the Air?

2009-02-13T22:12:00.010-05:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

So it is Valentine's Day today (technically in a few minutes), a ridiculous holiday in my lowly estimation. Telling the one you love that you love him doesn't require a special day (everyday works pretty well I'd say), and while some might argue that this day isn't "required" to attest their love but rather "honours" their love, I say "each their own." I still consider it a commercialized and borderline superficial way to celebrate love. Again, each their own.

Now let's look at two classic romantic icons. Romeo and Qays (aka Majnoon - now that I have actually read the story *ahem*). Generally (or perhaps traditionally), romantic endeavours are initiated by men, so I won't consider their counterparts.

In the Western world, for reasons which I'm unsure of, Romeo is considered a romantic ideal. Yes, he goes to party (uninvited was it? tsk tsk), his gaze falls upon a young lady, and a few hours later he declares his complete love for her. Suffice to say, I entirely agree with my English teacher who commented that Romeo is shallow. But then again, given his beloved's responses, perhaps they were a perfect match.

Now Qays' situation was different. Crazy indeed, but at least his love was grounded in a personality that he was familiar with, a childhood friend. But still, his inability to put things into perspective (as they say "love is blind") caused him to sabotage any possibility of ever sanctifying his claim of love.

In both stories, the lovebirds never unite as husband and wife and instead they all end up dying as a result of their love sickness or their attempts to materialize their wishes.

A shaykh once mentioned that Qays' love was very real. Love is the strongest emotion that a human can experience, but as Shaykh Abdullah Al Haddad once reminded us, "Do not love the one who dies." Ya Rab! He was, of course, just making a point and not saying that one could not or should not love one who dies because as we know, the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) loved his family and companions, among others. The shaykh continued to say that after Qays died, God forgave him, but preserved his story as a lesson for those who came after him. [I really have to verify this because I didn't realize that Qays and Layla's story was a true story. Nonetheless, point taken.]

One might call me cynical in my assessment of romantic stories or ideas, but unless one knows me personally this can't be easily verified. As far as I see it though, romantic love and today's western educational system are very much the same.

For some, the words "I love you" alone is sufficient proof of one's love, just as a piece of paper that declares one a graduate (and thus an expert) in a certain field is proof of one's knowledge. I, on the other hand, maintain the perspective that while these are necessary supporting indications of both love and knowledge, by themselves they can never be considered the real thing.

As a poet once said, "Knowledge without action is like a wick, it gives light to others but itself dies out burning." But love without sincere action cannot even be considered love.

For me to comment any further on romantic love is to manifest the blind leading the blind. But I will say, in closing, that there are already many illusions in the world today among which we need not include true love. Love, as I understand it, can only become real if people give it its worth by directing it to something greater than just one's worldly existence. And God knows best!

On a side note, I think one awesome act of love -among its plethora of other outstanding and praiseworthy characteristics- scheduled for today is Viva Palestina - a lifeline from Britain to Gaza, which iMuslimTV explains very nicely here. May God give them success, ameen!

May the Almighty fill this world with the power of love, and may He help us all realize the worth of love for His sake, ameen.

Khidma and Cake

2009-02-08T00:36:00.006-05:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

"...she was telling me that Habib Umar said that there are three things that must always accompany a student: 1) a miswak, in adherence and love of the sunnah, 2) khidma, a service of any kind to anyone, 3) good use of one's time, including a wird."

Last year (1428/2007) I was blessed to spend Eid ul Adha while at a boarding school. It was an insightful experience, though I'd be lying if I said it wasn't also emotionally challenging knowing that my family was out of reach. An emotional moment aside, it was a happy and festive day and perfectly beautiful in its own right. Due to the kind efforts of others, my housemates and I were all served sweets as we enjoyed the morning together singing nasheeds and spending time with each other. In the evening, most had their own plans which varied from meeting their brothers who resided in the neighbouring men's boarding school to visiting family or friends in the community.

That night, I was invited to one sister's house where I enjoyed a barbecue along with other Western sisters. The next day we gathered again and spent the morning on a rooftop playing games, eating cake, sipping hot chocolate and other beverages while we enjoyed each other's company and sisterly advices. I don't think those blessed sisters will ever understand what their efforts that day meant to me. Suffice to say, it is in my collection of treasured memories.

It was probably a bad idea for me to have eaten cake after not having it for so many months because the next day I was craving some more. I went to the kitchen of the boarding school looking for the large tray of leftover cake that I had seen earlier. I searched the kitchen in vain, and eventually asked a sister who was washing dishes if there was any cake left. She said no. I smiled and told her I was wishing for some but it was okay that I didn't find any. She told me to hang on and went to the fridge, pulled out a cake, and cut a slice for me. I'm assuming it was the leftover cake from a private Eid celebration. I accepted her kind gesture graciously.

Interestingly, it was from that slight interaction that Allah united our hearts and we became friends. The cake had unfortunately absorbed the various smells of the industrial-size fridge, but given so open-heartedly, it was a priceless treat.

The next day, one of my housemates came to my room to tell me that a mushrifa (supervisor) was calling me. Uh oh, I thought. As I headed to her room, I wondered if I had done anything wrong. After knocking at her door, she asked me to come in, and then she said "I heard you like cake." I laughed (in admission of my guilt) and asked how she knew. She told me that "someone" told her, and then she handed me a bowl with two or three small pieces of cake that someone had put aside especially for her explaining that she isn't one for cake. I insisted that she keep it and eat it, but she insisted that I take it. Again, all I could do was accept her kind offer graciously.

I have countless memories of being the recipient of selflessness and sacrifice. SubhanAllah. Allah is very generous. Since even before my birth, by God's infinite grace, my family has served my needs and they have all since taught me valuable lessons which remain a constant service to me now.

Beyond family, there have been countless strangers or distant acquaintances who have offered many things my way: kind words, sincere smiles, prayers, unexpected gifts, advice, and even more recently an invaluable e-book.

As I think about the great kindness that I've been privileged to receive despite being unworthy, I'm reminded of a lesson that I took from another set of sisters who I befriended as I lived amongst them. From them, I experienced and witnessed constant giving. I had nothing to give to them in return except a pair of almost new shoes and a watch, one of which was received with tears. SubhanAllah. They asked nothing of me other than my prayers.

I reflected on their lives and how their acts of selfless giving for my benefit was for none other than their Lord's sake. The same lesson was mirrored by the many sisters who I befriended in the boarding school along with a few others who wouldn't let me repay them (despite my insistence) for buying something on my behalf which I couldn't get myself.

I now know that the only way to repay such a service (khidma) from the hands of people is to live in the same way, that is, to give whatever I can, whenever I can, and to whoever I can for His sake alone, God willing. And certainly, the true benefits of such a lifestyle will benefit none other than myself, God willing.

Serving humanity is a vital obligation on every human, no matter his capability. In the least, one can smile and consider it a service, for a sincere smile touches hearts and brings joy. The sky is the limit with what we can do, but often times our self-serving egos will only give when it suits us and not when it requires a true effort.

It should also be noted that the attitude of serving people for the pleasure of Allah is beautiful to such an extent that the recipient doesn't feel guilty for accepting the effort but rather feels honoured.

As I write this, I remind myself that I need to try to rectify my ways to include this beauty in serving those within my reach so that perhaps my words here will be more than a mere lip service and my efforts can extend to those further than an arm's length away, God willing.

May Allah guide us and make us among those who continuously give of our time, knowledge, wealth, talents, and anything else we can offer for His sake alone, ameen.

Until We Meet Again

2009-02-06T19:20:00.005-05:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

Sometimes people come upon the path of our lives leaving behind footprints. In each print is a fixed purpose offering us nothing more nor less than that. Often times, we don't really notice this purpose perhaps until the person is long out of our lives and then we hope, in the least, that in some way a note of thanks could follow upon the other's path. Perhaps in the form of beautiful rain to nurture the path, or maybe even a swift wind to clear the path, or maybe even just a morning hymn from a bird perched upon the tree branch overlooking the path. Any token of appreciation would do.

But such gestures of gratitude, as deeply sincere as they may be, are only in appreciation of a gift whose source is none other than the One, He whose will must prevail over our own. And while our paths may never cross again, we know that the source of that inspirational imprint leaves us not. Our return is always to Him and our debt of gratitude is to Him entirely. And quite simply, the only way to send some tranquility upon the other's path is to return to the same source and beseech His generosity.

By God's grace, there are many who have come upon my path and some of whom, in just a moment, have left treasures that fill my heart and thoughts. These, of course, were sent to me for a greater purpose which I must attempt to discover and utilize. And while I continue walking upon this path alone, their strength, humility, and beauty weave a design in my cloak inspiring me until the path ceases to exist, until the destination is illuminated before our souls.

May our destinations be the same, and may our next meeting be as sweet as the last. While you continue treading your way, know there are some thoughts turned to you and praying for your success.

May our destinations be the same. Until we meet again, by the permission of Allah alone, until we meet again...

a speechless symphony

2009-01-29T11:55:00.002-05:00

bismilLahir Rahmanir Rahim

from a cherished memory
of a speechless symphony
arose a sweet epiphany
considered life's epitome

but labled a stranger
cradles a danger
in something as major
as a heart's wager

merciless restless sleep
laces a story so deep
a seemingly effortless leap
forcing one to weep

the rhythm is clear
of all felt dear
but no way to steer
an intense fear

still hoping to incite
a subtle invite
to the light
of shared insight

in the soul's epitome
rests half an epiphany
an intimate symphony
serving a sweet memory

A Bright Star

2009-01-19T16:58:00.012-05:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

It's been quite some time since I've had the chance to enjoy the night sky. It was a habit of mine to at least look for the moon from a window, and perhaps even catch a glimpse of distant stars. Now, the closest I seem to get to enchanting stars are the remaining glow-in-the-dark shapes that still adorn my bedroom ceiling, evidencing my nephews' previous residency.

I do admit though, I can't quite resist the moon and still look out for her, but not quite as I used to. My gaze no longer lingers for too long, and I'm not quite sure why.

Perhaps there are just too many thoughts that I shared only with the night sky that I can't seem to face her anymore with innocent enchantment. She's not a superficial source of delight anymore. She is far beyond that, far beyond.

As I attempted to fall asleep a few nights ago, I noted that the glow-in-dark stickers no longer glowed, their energy quickly spent shortly after the room fell into darkness. I thought about the night sky, and my infrequent visits. I do miss it. These thoughts eventually led into the thought of another treasure which, in my life, shares parallels with all that I've just mentioned.

A treasure whose worth, quite like the night sky, is taken for granted. He whose beauty is neglected and whose wisdom is abused. I speak of Al Quran, the last and final revelation of God to mankind, whose source is apparent and whose existence is essential.

I wondered about how one builds a relationship with it, the Quran. Where can one begin? How? Does it begin with linguistic understanding or spiritual purification? Is one, by himself, able to open the door to the room that contains this treasure or is one's entry by invitation only?

There are many in the world - past, present, and God willing, future - who have been blessed to carry the words of the Quran, precisely as they appear in the Quran from beginning to end, in their hearts. It's not a minor thing, and it is another miracle of the Quran itself.

As for the rest of us, we can only hope that we have enough discipline and consistency in our lives that we don't neglect, in the least, the regular and contemplative recital of this blessed book, a guidance for mankind whose summation is contained in just seven verses of Al Fatiha. Really, it is only through our persistence and God's grace that we have any hope of preventing its diminishing presence in our lives, something that we desperately need.

Its guidance is for the taking, if we want it. Its secrets are to be shared by us, if we seek them. Its sweetness is apparent, if we savour it.

As the moon illumines the night sky, so too does the Quran illumine hearts and lives, and I suspect that both relationships will only reflect what we each put into them.

Ya Rabb, make me, my family, and this ummah of ours from among ahlil Quran. Open our hearts, minds, and souls to the meanings and gems contained within Your blessed words. Allow us to build a beautiful attachment to the Quran, and let it bear witness for us and not against us on The Day when our pleading will avail us not. Ameen.

Update: 23-01-09

Du'a Tilawa - the supplication of recitation - with Raihan. It is a superbly beautiful du'a. SubhanAllah. It touches the heart :).

729 Made in Israel

2009-01-16T20:26:00.005-05:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

Take a look. George Galloway is the voice of those who have been silenced. His is the voice of one who hasn't been deceived. May our voices join his, and may God facilitate our efforts for peace and justice, ameen.

Update: 19-01-09

Please read and sign:

Palestine An Appeal Global Movement of Non-Violent Resistance Against the Violent, Extremist Policy of the State of Israel

Dust to Dust...

2008-12-30T00:59:00.009-05:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

It's a windy night, windier than normal. The wind chimes continue their rhythm, though they fail to deliver serenity to the night's condition. As I catch myself hoping that the wind would calm down, I think about how all my sisters and brothers feel at this same moment as ammunition of all sorts rain over their homes in Gaza and elsewhere. I'm grateful for the comfort and security that surround me, and pray for the relief of those who face brutality at the hands of those who take the human condition to its lowest.

It's not the deceased in Gaza who my heart especially hurts for because they will find their peace with their Lord, God willing. My heartache is for the people who remain on this earth and continue to face seemingly endless terror, injustice, and oppression. My heart hurts for them. May God protect them and give them peace and security, ameen.

As for those of us who live in relative security, it's our deceased who claim a part of my heart. Yes, there are struggles for those of us living here too, but our lives come down to our last moment before death claims us, and none of us know what will meet us at our deaths. The options are limited, and it is only by our Lord's mercy and grace that we will return to Him in a peaceful state (insha'Allah wa ameen).

I remember that as a child my family and I used to regularly drive past a cemetery. Each time we passed by, the radio would be switched off and our chatter would cease until we had finished reading a prayer for the deceased. We no longer take that route, but we often still pass by another cemetery where we attempt to continue this simple practice.

It was this afternoon, in fact, when we last passed by that cemetery, and it reminded me of my death more so than this howling wind does now. I wondered about how the souls of those who were once contained in bodies now fare, and once I leave my body and join them, what will become of me.

As various thoughts continue to tumble around in my mind, I remind myself that my life is in vain if I continue to lead it without clear direction. It's too tempting and easy to value the things which are ineffectual in our final moment of life. But like many others, I must struggle with myself to find some direction and to walk upon the path that I know I cannot do without.

I'm not really sure how much of what I wish for can be achieved, but I pray that if there is khayr in it, Allah, by His infinite generosity and grace, will open a way, just as He will open a way for those who face hardships now. Regardless of my desires though, death is a guaranteed companion for me and us all, and it is the only one who cannot be neglected.

It does not require much of an effort to realize that it is upon us to exercise any means within our reach to assist those who are suffering worldwide. And this, I believe, is part and parcel of the things to which we cannot become lax and indifferent before our own deaths.

O Lord, have mercy on our deceased and ease the suffering and hardships of the innocent people. Ya Rab, guide us to lead productive and fruitful lives as we strive to serve You in the best of ways. Protect us from those things which keep us away from You and Your way, and let us return to You in the best of states, ameen.

Business Sense, plus some

2008-12-21T01:47:00.002-05:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

"You should write a book," my sister said to me today.
I decided to humour her. "What could I write about?"
"Anything," she responded.
"Anything? Who would want to read what I have to write about?" I asked.
"Lots of people read garbage," she said matter-of-factly.

I cracked up.
One point for her.

That's a daily dose of humour for ya.

***
Moving onto other things, Reviving the Islamic Spirit - an annual Islamic conference held in Toronto, is just around the corner, God willing. I missed last year's conference which was particularly special for both my sisters. It was then, by the grace of God alone, that they were able to launch Muslim Child - a web-based business appropriately directed to Muslim children.

I heard of this idea at its outset which was only six months before the business went live. At the time, I was living in Sana'a and had barely adjusted to the changes that were happening at home with my family, missing them with every ounce of my being, yet content to be where I was. As I said at the time, Yemen will always claim a special place in my heart, and this remains true.

Like many others, my parents have taught me a lot about using money appropriately. Their direction has been both explicitly and implicitly expressed and often emphasized the concepts of generosity and fairness. Time and time again, I've seen them go out of their way to spend their hard-earned dollars at small businesses with the intention to support them.

I continue to benefit from my father's words to me when we spoke on the phone a few days after I arrived in Sana'a, (roughly) "Farzeen, make sure you pay for all the food and not just yours. It doesn't matter how much it costs. Buy food and drinks for everyone. There's baraka in it, so pay for it all." SubhanAllah. These words were a light for me, and true to what my parents have often tried to teach me. May Allah reward them both and grant them and their loved ones peace and khayr in this world and the next, ameen.

Since my return home almost eight months ago, I've attended a few conferences with my sisters and "worked" at another stall - Salsabil Boutique - specializing in Muslim women's clothing - by their side. From a combination of these experiences, cruising Sana'a marketplaces, and other insights, there are a few things that I've gathered about business.

First, a business starts with a sincere intention, a clear vision, and continues with a lot of hard work. Secondly, it requires a good attitude along with a rigorous preservation and practice of high moral and ethical principles. And finally, as with everything, it has to be sealed with one's complete dependence on Allah, for success and our sustenance are both from Him alone, and we need not depend on anyone else for these matters. Within these three points are a multitude of others, but I consider these the "pillars of good business."

As I assisted at Salsabil Boutique, one aspect of customers troubled me, and that was their desire to negotiate prices. I suppose that's the custom in the eastern world, so people figure that it works here too, and perhaps sometimes it does. What troubled me the most was that despite knowing that they were buying an item at the seller's cost price, some people asked for a further discount. I hope, for their sake, that it was only their need that caused them to ask and in it they had a shyness.

I don't know people circumstances, but they also need to be cognizant of business owners' circumstances. To illustrate, at three events during the summer, almost all the businesses who opened stalls made a financial loss. The turnout of the events were minimal and their sales were even less thus failing to cover the cost of the retailer's space. Insha'Allah khayr. Such was written.

I must say though, it really pleases me to see the variety and number of entrepreneurs at these events. It says a lot to me about the community. Insha'Allah, a strict adherence to the Islamic teachings in commerce will only increase these business people in their pursuits. May Allah give them success, ease, and grant them baraka in their dealings, ameen.

As retailers prepare themselves to gather together once again at Reviving the Islamic Spirit, I hope that there there is a mutual concern between retailers and consumers to be fair and consistent in prices and interactions. SubhanAllah. There is so much to be gained by good adab with each other, I don't doubt that within such actions there resides a great deal of baraka as well. Interestingly, my best memories of shopping in Sana'a were encapsulated by good adab, but those are stories for another day, insha'Allah.

Regardless of the happenings in the conference's bazaar, I'm hoping for a morsel of food for my heart. Should that be given to me, and I fit to receive it, it will be a time worthwhile, God willing.

[P.S. - Forgive my poor use of English and even weaker composition, and please pray for me and my family.]

***
A taste of last year's fun with Muslim Child....

[And if you find the brief clip cute, please say "mashaAllah," for such a sweetness in children is from God alone and it is as He wills.]

Allahu yaftahu...

2008-12-10T01:47:00.015-05:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

All praise belongs to Allah, the Lord of the Heavens and Earth and all that exists.

I have recently been thinking a lot about Shaykh Abdallah Al Haddad of Fes (may Allah preserve and elevate him, ameen ya Rabil 'Alameen). Some blogs (i.e. Salikah: A Student's Digest) have mentioned his recent visit to Toronto. He has since left Toronto and is now among this year's hujjaj having completed Hajj (may Allah accept the Hajj of all the pilgrims, ameen).

AlhamduliLlah, I was one amongst many more who were privileged to attend the lessons given by him here. There is much that can be said about the knowledge and wisdom that he shared with us, the strongest of which were often summed up in a few simple words or sentences.

I remember once when I was at the zaawiya (Risalah Foundation) about half an hour before class started and he came in. On his way to the office, he greeted me and in his usual compassionate and kind way, he asked how I was doing...

"Kayfa haaluki ya ibnati?"

"AlhamduliLlah, ana bekhair." Praise be to God, I'm well.

"Wa kayfa zawjuk?" And how is your husband?

"Zawju mun?" Who's husband? I asked, thinking that perhaps I didn't understand the question properly. "Lastu mutazawwija," I'm not married, I said with a smile.

"Lasti mutazawwija?" You're not married? He said in surprise explaining that he thought I was. He made du'a that Allah blesses me with a spouse, a righteous spouse.

"Insha'Allah wa ameen" I said and laughed lightly.

He responded very strongly, "Allahu yaftahu, Allahu yaftahu" roughly, God will open a way, God will open a way.

"Sah" Right, I responded with a nod.

***
Allahu yaftahu.. Allahu yaftahu. There was no doubt, no perhaps, no maybe in his words. He said it with complete certainty, as is fitting, that God will open a way.

In matters of this world, I submit to Allah's plan for me, marriage included. But in matters of the Hereafter.... the burden is on the soul. And while we will only enter Jannah by His mercy, our life on this Earth impacts our state when we will stand before our Lord.

A few nights ago I was thinking about how our body is really just a shell. One day it will be discarded as it rots into the earth's flesh, becoming one with it while our souls will move on to another realm of existence.

The world, as I live in it today, is one that speaks only to this shell. Beautifying the shell is a culture, a tradition, an incumbent. Yet, we forget that the things that we take for granted: food, shelter, and basic security, are privileges and not our human rights. If they were our rights as humans, then humans wouldn't be denied them. A minority of the world's population savours these privileges, treating them as rights while neglecting the facilitation of these necessities for the rest of the world.

There is work to be done. Not only for the benefit of the world's condition but also for the benefit of our eternal condition. And here we are, with 1001 gadgets to beautify a shell that is naturally beautiful but dying at the hands of our neglect of more pressing matters. It's an ironic circle that needs to be re-routed.

But I can't change the world. I only have one mirror, and it only reflects me. I cannot expect a single person in this world (let alone the entire world) to change before I become a person who carries even a minor amount of true beauty, and yet I know that I'm far from where I need to be, worlds away. Allahu yaftahu... Allahu yaftahu...

I must continuously ask myself how I will stand in front of my Lord as I continuously fall into the trappings of my weak heart and strong nafs. Kayfa aqumu amama Rabbi? Kayfa aqumu amamahu?

Ya Allah, help us!

Alive in Our Hearts

2008-11-27T22:01:00.004-05:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Raheem

We are just upon the blessed month of Dhul Hijja. Many of the worlds' hujjaj (Hajj pilgrims) have already started their journeys to Makkah while others are completing their final preparations. For some, these preparations, which are far from only physical, started years ago, and they can now only hope to return to their homes and families spiritually rejuvenated and focused on the preparations of this life's journey - the ultimate journey - which we hope will end with a sweet meeting as we return to our Lord.

I am not and have not been one of the hujjaj, not yet at least (may God invite me and facilitate the way for me to be among them, ameen). However, I now walk on a new path. By God's mercy, generosity, and grace, He has sent me the means by which a refocus in my life can be made easier. In some awe-inspiring way, I feel complete with this gift of His, but as with all that this world contains, I must go beyond the superficial and ensure that I use this blessing to benefit my purpose of living. Perhaps if I do, I will find it a profitable transaction. In the mean time, I will savour this feeling of revival, and continue to strive and pray for perseverance in it.

While the hujjaj make their way to Makkah to perform the blessed Hajj pilgrimage, we too must walk with them, remembering the importance and reflecting on the benefits that the rites of Hajj offer.

May God take the hujjaj safely, bring them home safely, and accept their hajj and supplications. May He increase us in knowledge and allow us to profit even from those things which we are still unable to fully understand. May He open ours hearts and give us direction in our lives. May He help us as we struggle against our nafs. May He unite us all for His sake, and may He allow us to understand love, ameen.

A Moment of Clarity - Part II

2008-10-17T10:21:00.005-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Raheem

Reminiscing... continued

The stones pressed sharply into my feet. The children and I took joy in the cooler currents of water as they soothed our aching feet. There was usually no space alongside the river to walk and when there was it was covered with rocks too, equally painful if not more. My phone was out of a service area, and I realized that we were no closer to our destination than the moment we stepped out of the truck. We stopped to ask the few women who stood at random and sparse points along the riverbanks if they knew of the family name of this family’s friends. Nobody knew. One lady asked if we were lost and if we wanted a ride back into town. We told her that we would walk a little further downstream. We hoped that perhaps our group had taken another route and would meet us at the other end of the river with the truck, but we told her that we would return to her if need be. Hope is a strong thing, and it was only that which kept us walking further away from where we last saw our group.

I began making mental notes on how much time remained before sunset as I tried to decide how much longer I would allow us to walk before I sought a suitable place for us to spend the night. I had two children, aged 10 and 12, with me and I wasn’t about to jeopardize their safety when I could take precautions that could ease the difficulty of the situation. Sama’ expressed her fears about our circumstances, and I told her not to worry. Allah would take care of us, and of that I had no doubt.

The ache in my feet was becoming unbearable, and my psychological encouragements failed to help me walk without grueling pain. I asked the children if they were alright. They seemed to be doing better than I was, perhaps they were less accustomed to covered feet. We continued walking.

At last, I could walk no more. I sat on the rocks, the water and dirt of the river soaked into my ‘abaya and pants. I can’t walk anymore, my feet hurt too much, I told them. They sat next to me and just then the phone rang. It was the children’s father so I passed the phone to Sama.’ Her conversation was brief. She told us that her father was mad and told us to return. Return? Is he out of his mind? I thought. He has a vehicle. What has he been doing all this time? And why is he mad? We’re the ones who have been walking for two hours because he told us to. Surely he wouldn’t tell us to walk if there was nothing to walk to. I was unimpressed and wondered how I would take another step let alone walk back another two hours. Allah would open a way for me, and I depended on Him. On the bright side, at least they awaited our return and our walking would now have a known destination. I rose again and walked one slow step at a time, flinching in pain.

If there was only something we could use to cover our feet, I thought. I looked at the area around me, but there was nothing suitable. By the grace of God, I realized then that we could use our very own clothes. Nothing too dramatic, but maybe just pull our pants slightly lower so they would cover the bottom of our feet. It worked well enough for me to at least walk, but Sama’ couldn’t claim any success with this strategy. Ibrahim tugged at dried up clothing that fused itself into a log at the edge of the river. He managed to get only a scrap, but that did not suffice, and he soon abandoned the idea. Sama’ found a slipper in the water which she wore, sharing it with Ibrahim and offering it to me. I refused her kindness. I felt for them, and kept my eyes open for more lost slippers in the river. We found a few more, but none seemed to last very long.

Two hours later, we found the rest of the group. They were settled at a spot about a 30 to 40 minute walk further down the river from where we started walking indicating that we surprisingly covered more ground in the two hours of our return. The truck, no longer trapped in the riverbed, was parked in a cleared space alongside the river while everyone ascended the slopes of mud that guarded the river as it formed a valley for the river to flow through. It was from there that they entered into the garden of their friends. When we arrived, they were all seated on light blankets resting in the shade of trees with a hearty lunch spread out around them. Since I didn’t have an appetite for food or their company, I made wudhu in the river and stood in pain to perform the ‘Asr prayer.

One reality of my existence stood clearly before me at that moment. Though the troubles of my heart only seemed amplified, I was grateful. Tears rolled down my cheeks easily, and all I could do or wanted to do was submit to my Lord as I bowed and prostrated in prayer. I know my Lord takes care of me, and never could I doubt Him.

I left the group and decided to make the most of a what seemed to have been a pretty trying day. I found a nice rock to sit on at the edge of the river. My feet took pleasure in the soothing currents while my heart and mind listened intently to the steady rhythm of the flowing water. Singing to myself, I tried desperately to take in the beauty and splendor of God’s creations that surrounded me, all the while acknowledging that my debt of gratitude is to Him alone.

A Moment of Clarity - Part I

2008-10-13T15:48:00.005-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Raheem

Reminiscing...

After an emotionally challenging Ramadhan and Eid, I wanted nothing more than to get deeply into my studies again. It was in my books where I found my pleasure and peace, and it was that which motivated me to persevere despite the increasing weight that slowly built in my heart. Unfortunately, the post-Ramadhan vacation wasn’t quite over yet, and I had to wait a few more days until my lessons could resume. It was the 2nd of Shawwal 1428, and I was told by my host family that we would be visiting one of their friends and having lunch with them. I wasn’t in the mood of visiting people, but nonetheless prepared myself to make the most of the outing. While I regret having left my camera behind, the events of the day I shall never forget, by the permission of God.

We first stopped in the outskirts of Ta’iz where we went to look at a massive tree - shajaratun gharibah - over 2 000 years old, that is said to have been visited by the sahabas of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon them all). It was intriguing, and I longed to know its story though there was nobody to tell it to me.

From there, we continued to an area with lush trees and greenery. We soon found ourselves driving through a river. To entertain the children, their father drove quickly through sections of the river. The children laughed and shared gleeful cries as the water splashed onto them passing through the opened windows. I, on the other hand, was busily enchanted by the trees that gracefully hovered over the river. It was breathtaking beauty. I looked at the river ahead of us wondering why we had to travel through the river to reach our destination. It seemed a cruel way to treat such an elegant portion of God’s masterful design. I thought that perhaps the river would taper into a trickle, but it only seemed to maintain its strength.

It wasn’t much later when the truck’s wheels were trapped in the mud beneath the gushing river. The men took off their shoes, rolled up their pants, and stepped into the water. The boys followed while the local women, who were moments before washing clothes on the adjacent rocks bordering the river, looked up to watch. The men and boys scooped out as much mud from around the rear tires as they could, and in union they all attempted to the push the truck out of the mud. Their efforts were in vain. I and the other womenfolk soon stepped out of the vehicle as well. After several more attempts, one women’s husband pointed at the river ahead of us and told us to walk. I wasn’t sure to where we would walk, but I removed my shoes and socks, grabbed my phone from the truck, lifted my ‘abaya slightly above the refreshing currents, and started walking.

The river was mesmerizing. Its steady rhythm sang deeply to me, but I could not understand its words. It was only much later, after spending the day in its midst, that I learned the meaning of some of the messages it tried to convey.

I wasn’t sure how far we would need to walk, but I found my feet too sensitive for the task at hand, and no more than a few minutes of walking on the river’s slippery and calloused rocks caused my feet to hurt. Mind over matter I told myself as I walked faster, steadying myself where necessary and keeping the pace of the children, Ibrahim and Sama’, while leaving the two other ladies behind. After some time, I said to the young girl, “Where are we walking to?” She didn’t know. I was disappointed because I didn’t know either and knew that in my haste to get to our destination quickly I should have stopped to at least ask where we were going. I turned around, and the women were no longer in sight. Perhaps they were still making their way around the river bend that we only just passed. I called out to Ibrahim telling him not to wander too far ahead without us. My feet were sore, and I was eager to get to the destination sooner than later. Perhaps the river will taper soon and lead to an open area with homes I thought.

We had walked for about an hour, our chit chatting slowly dwindling into silence, when finally the three of us rested under the trees for some time hoping that the womenfolk would catch up with us soon and lead the way to our destination. Or better yet, that the truck would soon be in sight in hot pursuit of us. Nobody came, and we continued walking.

...to be continued, insha'Allah.

A Prayer

2008-10-06T21:28:00.003-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Rahim

A du'a with Dr. Tariq Ramadan - may the Almighty preserve him, bless him and his family and loved ones, and keep them strong in His way, ameen. Simply beautiful... masha'Allah...

...Al Fatiha...
...Ameen!

The Taste of a Rain Drop

2008-09-21T02:20:00.006-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Raheem

"Can you hear the rhythm of Allah’s creation?
The rhythm of the clapping of the thunder and the rain.
Can you see the rhythm of Allah’s creation?
The lightning and the leaves, and the seasons as they change."
It poured, and poured, and poured some more. I listened intently as the rain thundered onto the already rain-soaked ground.

O beautiful rain, as you are to the earth, my tears are to my heart. In those days now long gone past, your rhythm and mine fell in sync. I kept up with your lavish downpours, and some days perhaps I even surpassed your excellence. I watched you while your efforts caressed the seeds down below leading them forward in their purpose, and while you filled ravines with a heavenly drink for the passersby and for pasturing animals, and while you adorned the earth with purified gracefulness. And I admired you. For those beautiful moments, your rhythm was precisely mine.

I look back to you now and how I miss you so. How I wish we could dance together again upon those gracious clouds. How I wish I could share in the intensity of your expressions. How I wish I could share your visions of clarity.

Our shared expressions were not in vain, and now I desperately look back to those lessons that you so earnestly tried to teach me. It may take years before I realize the depths of your reality, but now I lay my hand open waiting for that one sweet droplet to fall into my palm.

Let me taste the sweetness of understanding. Let me taste the sweetness of my reality. Let me taste the sweetness of surrender. And to God we submit.

"The rhythm of our world beats in surrender to Allah.
Our blood and our breathing testify.
The rhythm of surrender is a part of who we are.
With each heartbeat and involuntary blink of our eyes.
A part of us we can't deny."
[Dawud W. Ali]

All True

2008-08-31T13:17:00.009-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Raheem

Tap tap, who's knockin'?
The devil aint followin' ...
...me, it's mah own soul
Itself a source of rage,
asking for comfort
But I'm still searching.
Where's the key to the cage?

The devil aint the problem
I need to make a start
One foot forward to make aright what's in this heart..
..of mine, oh, happiness is not its mark
Never seen a light, still in pitch dark...
...ness...

Been searching for a while
But only my tongue has changed
Learned to fight
Hoping for mah tears on the first
of these blessed nights

Happiness is not in you,
or you,
or you
Complete as one,
False hopes in the tale of two
Expectations lead to disappointments
The soul, she's one
family-less, friend-less, all alone
Depending on the One
...Only...
to find its way home

Sweet words, worse than sugar
eroding a heart
God I need to make this start
O God, heal my heart
Invite me to You
and open the door
I've seen my illusions and now I'm searching...
...but failing to fight what keeps me distant...
from You

Invite me to You
and let this soul soar
each time you privilege this forehead of mine
to touch the floor...
... in service of You.
Life's One and Only...
...all true...
All True.

O God, I turn to You. Lost is all my hope in everything except You. You are the source. Help me be true. Invite me to You. I only want You. O God, only You can ease this heart. Only You know what lies beneath my masks. Only You know me. Only You can save me.

I pray that this Ramadhan be one where some veils may be lifted,
and the truth of our existence may manifest before our hearts and souls,
and our minds and bodies respond to it in a way that is befitting of such realizations.

Insha'Allah wa ameen.

Ramadhan Mubarak!

***

Imam Al Ghazali: The Alchemist of Happiness

Part 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8
But I'd suggest you purchase your own copy.

Hasad

2008-08-27T20:46:00.009-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Raheem

A few years ago, I wondered to myself about some of the secrets that lie in the Quran, especially the greatness contained in the chapters and verses that are recommended for daily supplications/invocations/recitations. I figured it was probably best that I take some time to think about the meanings of some verses, and I began (without much more progress) with suratul Falaq, the second-last chapter of the Holy Quran.

The Daybreak, Dawn
1. Say: I seek refuge with the Lord of the Dawn
2. From the mischief of created things;
3. From the mischief of Darkness as it overspreads;
4. From the mischief of those who practise secret arts;
5. And from the mischief of the envious one as he practises envy.

It was the last verse that especially caught my attention, and I wondered what envy contains so that God, in His glorious knowledge and wisdom, would send these words for the benefit of humankind. What dangers are contained in hasad, envy, to which we are oblivious? I wasn't sure, but kept these thoughts at the back of my mind hoping that at some point I would have some insight into its importance.

A few months later, my father was sharing stories of his father's days and said that my grandfather (Allahu yarhamuhu) once told him that the biggest problem in the community was hasad or envy. SubhanAllah, perhaps that's one reason why we seek God's protection from it, I thought. I couldn't yet appreciate the depths of the Quranic words, and again tucked these thoughts away for further reflection.

In recent months, I was blessed with the chance to attend a few classes in a series of classes given by Shaykh Yahya Rhodus (may Allah preserve him) about the ahlil bayt, the family of the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him. He spoke about the hierarchy of creation (refer to the book "The Man and the Universe" by Dr. Mostafa Badawi for an excellent explanation of this among many other insightful and necessary explanations), and went on to explain that there are two fundamental aspects of a human:

1) 'Ubudiyyah in which case humans are passive in relation to Allah
2) Khilafa in which case humans are active in relation to Allah, people, and the cosmos.

Thus, humans are both active and passive, but success ultimately lies in submitting to Allah. Anyone who submits will be successful for the doors of Heaven are open to all, but we have to maximize our potential. And Allah gives us all different potentials.

He continued by speaking about the fadhal (bounty, grace) of Allah and mentioned that Allah will give His bounty to whom He pleases, and that the middle way in dealing with Allah's bounty is (roughly) "Do not desire what Allah has favoured to some and not others."

This of course leads into the topic of hasad, envy. And it was then that I understood, to some extent, the words in suratul Falaq. He explained that hasad is bad (excuse my lack of a better word) because we impose our will on the will of Allah who has given of His grace as He wills. We need to avoid hasad, and give shukr (thanks, gratitude) to Allah for His fadhal.

How often do we think "I wish I had that like so-and-so" or "if only I were blessed with such-and-such like so-and-so, then I'd be able to achieve xyz" or "so-and-so is so blessed with/because of such-and-such, it'd be nice if I could have it too" or many other varieties of things that we desire for ourselves that are simply inaccessible though it may seem like 'everyone else' is privileged to possess them. It's not greener on the other side, and while some people may have some things they are bereft of some other things that others are blessed with.

My mother was recently telling me stories about people who utilize black magic to harm others as a result of seeds of envy. SubhanAllah, I could barely believe it, but it's true. And the scary thing about it all is that we can harm people, even unintentionally, by our envious ways. May Allah protect us from this, ameen!

Envy is a vile disease of the heart that most of us are guilty of harbouring to some extent. It only seems natural now to speak of ways of dealing with it. Imam Mawlud writes about it in the book "Purification of the Heart" which has been published with a translation and commentary by Shaykh Hamza Yusuf. Refer to this website for some excerpts about envy from the above-mentioned book.

Envy is really a battle to overcome, but like all diseases of the heart, we have to first try to identity them in our hearts and then work toward curing them, bi ithniLlah! May Allah help us all, ameen.

Please correct me where I err... may Allah forgive me, ameen.

‘Abd Allah Ibn Mas’ud said the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:

"Let there be no envy, except in two things:
1. A man whom Allah gave a wealth and guided him to spend it in righteous way.2. Or a man to whom Allah gave wisdom and he acts wisely and teaches it to others."
(Al-Bukhari and Muslim; See An-Nawawi, Riyad As-Salihin)

Acknowledging XY

2008-08-23T22:29:00.008-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Raheem

So what is it in the Y chromosome carriers that make them perfect targets to pick on once in a while? Perhaps a lot of them simply pour out reasons worthy of criticism. Honestly though, I don't think there are necessarily more aggravating males than there are females in the world, but the actions of men, majority of whom posses more influential power than double-X carriers, carry a greater impact (thus responsibility) than many women. (And of course I'm being very general here and acknowledge that inevitably exceptions exist -- it's all about the bell curve folks!).

As oh-so-tempting as it is to verbally annihilate some menfolk, I think it would be a waste of precious thought and time. Instead, I think it would be far more productive to speak of some men who shine. They are seemingly the most ordinary of men, but they are gems who I've been blessed to have in my life, if even for what seemed like just a moment. A cherished moment that gave me insight into rare beauties that as a society we fail to acknowledge.

Here goes...

I arrived in Sana'a with my travel companion and her twin sons at about 10 pm. We passed through customs without any problems, except that the officers wanted me to open my hand luggage. They asked what was inside, to which I responded "books." One officer only glanced quickly inside (thus no harm met my stash of M&Ms *phew*), asked where I was from, and with a smile said "welcome."

We were met by a brother (from Canada -- I'll call him "Ahmed") who I corresponded with for some time prior to my trip as he advised me on schools and suggestions on what to pack. His correspondence was very helpful, never mind all that he and his family did for me afterwards. He and his friend came to the airport, they loaded all our luggage into the van, and they took us to a hotel. The brother then spent some time showing us the area around the hotel, places where we could get breakfast, offered some advice on living in Yemen, and handed me more than enough Yemeni riyals for breakfast, since we had no riyals on us at the time. We soon met his wife and daughter, and we had dinner with them. It was the beginning of a sweet friendship. His wife is a gem, masha'Allah! I felt quite at home with them all so much so that my final days in Yemen were spent with them, alhamduliLlah.

We spent two weeks living in the hotel, much to the despair of my travel companion. In that time, I had the task of finding a suitable school for myself and an apartment. AlhamduliAllah, with more advice and assistance from this brother and his wife, I finally decided on a school. The hunt for an apartment was more challenging, but for that too Allah sent two brothers my way. One was a connection of a sister I knew online. May Allah reward him and his brother for their sincere efforts, ameen. The other brother was a complete stranger whom my sister had contacted online. He learnt that I was in Sana'a, and he offered his complete assistance. He told me on several occasions that it was his obligation to help me, though the truth of the matter was that he had no obligations towards me whatsoever. It was through his efforts that I found an apartment that was in an ideal location for me and that came with a landlord and his family (who lived upstairs) that took good care of me. I eventually met this brother's wife, mother, father, daughter, five sisters, and many nieces and nephews. I can't describe my first meeting with them except that the difference of languages was not a barrier for us. They all easily claimed a special place in my heart, and I continue to think of them with much fondness. AlhamduliAllah, I was also able to spend a few days with them before leaving Sana'a and Yemen altogether.

Both of these brothers and their families were there for me like my family. In fact, they both came to the airport to pick me up when I returned to Sana'a, and they, along with one brother's wife, took me to the airport when I left Yemen. It was a complete blessing for me to have kept their company, the company of their families, and to wave a final goodbye to them as I had my boarding pass in hand ready to come home to my family. SubhanAllah... There are no words in this heart of mine that can thank them adequately. May they find their rewards with the Almighty, ameen. It goes without saying, I cannot thank Allah sufficiently for the many blessings He bestowed and continues to bestow on me. All praise belongs to Him, the One whose generosity is unmatched, whose mercy is ever-abundant.

There are a few more noteworthy brothers that Allah sent my way, if even for a brief moment, but I'll not share all their stories except for one. One brother, Muhammad, is a friend of one of the above-mentioned brothers. He and his family live in the poorer parts of Old Sana'a. Life is difficult for them as they deal with poverty. His month's salary runs dry two weeks into each month, and every month they are without food. SubhanAllah. I'm so grateful to have met these people because they have hearts of gold. Muhammad's wife was the first Yemeni sister who I was able to sit with as she chit-chatted with Ahmed's wife. She made a point of speaking in fus-ha Arabic for the benefit of us foreigners, and I remember how excited I was when I was first able to understand some of what she was saying.

When it came time to leave Yemen, I had some problems with my passport which her husband was going to try to resolve for me by taking it to one of the government offices. A few days before he planned on doing that, he took his family (for the first time) to an amusement park in Sana'a (since his son really wanted to go). Sadly though, there was an accident with the roller coaster that they were on and his shoulder was badly injured. I went with Ahmed and his wife to visit the brother in the hospital, and while there his wife told me that as he was being rushed to the hospital he worried about my passport and told her what needed to be done. When I saw him at the hospital, he apologized that he couldn't take care of things for me, though his relative would, and that if he was okay in a few days he'd like to take me to the airport. I told him not to worry, and that I'm going to tell him the same thing I'd tell my father if my father was in his situation, that is that he should rest and take care (and if you're wondering, I said it in very broken Arabic, but they're forgiving people). He smiled.

So while we continue to moan and complain about life, men, and everything in between, there are people who are far better than us because they want to be, though their conditions are far more challenging than ours for reasons that they cannot control.

Perhaps one day, insha'Allah, I'll be able to write about my father and brother(s) who mean more to me than words could describe. Perhaps for this reason, if no other, I shouldn't challenge their sanity as much as I do...

May Allah make the menfolk of our ummah among the righteous, may He bless them with ease, and bless them with generous and kind hearts. May He give them the patience and strength they need to successfully overcome the increasing number of challenges that they face today. May He facilitate their efforts for His sake, and make them shining lights in our ummah, ameen ya Rabil 'Alameen!

Half of Knowledge...

2008-08-21T00:49:00.009-04:00

BismiLlahir Rahmanir Raheem

Western society, as a whole, seems to belittle and even mock one of the greatest institutions of human existence - the family. We really don't seem to have a holistic concept of its value and thus we neglect its preservation in pursuit of societal ideals. Ironically though, the West values education even though the educational system itself is in serious disarray. I am a product of the dumb-downed educational system. Perhaps if I had remained in the corrupt country from which I emigrated, I may very well have had a chance to develop sharper thinking processes that I could utilize now in adulthood, wa Allahu 'alim. But such is the past, what of the future?

Why is the family so important? I'll leave you to explore this question by yourselves. Instead, I'd like to bring attention to an area that draws parallels to this question, and it too is equally neglected leaving us, the Muslim community, in confusion. I'm referring to our essential Islamic education.

SubhanAllah... I'm not sure where to begin. I often wish I had a road map so I would know what it is that I need to know to be able to live in this world as one who utilizes her existence to the fullest. I'm eternally grateful for all that my parents have taught me. I often try not to take their lessons for granted. I can recall many occasions when I couldn't access their advice only to ask myself, "What would Mom and Popz tell me to do?" It has actually been quite efficient in helping me choose my next steps carefully. But my parents (may Allah reward them, elevate them, and grant them khayr fid dunya wal aakhira, ameen) have been limited in delivering the wealth of Islamic knowledge that is out there. I don't at all hold this against them because such knowledge has to come from those who have sat at the feet of teachers who continue the chain of sound knowledge from the time of the our beloved Prophet and Messenger Muhammad (salla Allahu 'alayhi wa salam).

We live in times when the ignorance of Islamic scholarship is the rule rather than the exception. As a community, we get into petty arguments (or heated discussions) when none of us have any substantial knowledge about the matter being discussed. I think it's time for us (starting with myself) to keep my mouth shut about matters that must only be discussed by those who know.

I recently had the opportunity, alhamduliLlah, to participate in a program (called Qurba) with the Razi Institute. Masha'Allah 'alayhim. The shuyukh just make me smile. May Allah preserve them and allow us to benefit from the knowledge which He has bestowed on them, ameen. In a five-day program located on a beautiful college campus, we were introduced to the basic structural premises of the major Islamic sciences. We had the opportunity to witness how these sciences interact, and it truly is no simple thing. It is complete ignorance for any of us to believe that our deen can be understood and implemented by simple consultation of the Quran and sunnah while neglecting the Islamic scholarship that flourished after the death of Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him. It's an absurdity that I can no longer exert the energy needed to make any sense of it.

I left those classes feeling that my brain was fried. I struggled to get a grasp of the larger picture knowing that I have many holes in the foundation of my basic Islamic education. SubhanAllah... how little we know, oh how little we know. It is no exaggeration to say that those of us who read Islamic books and attend Islamic conferences and listen/watch Islamic lectures at home have been exposed to but a grain of sand in the depths of an ocean of knowledge.

In God's great generosity, He has allowed me to be settled close to a community that is glowing with Islamic scholarship, those who are striving to equip us with Islamic principles that will facilitate us in our lives as we strive to come closer to our Lord through sound Islamic teachings and practice. I just hope that He will honour me and my loved ones to be among those who can benefit from the presence of these gems, insha'Allah wa ameen.

"نصف العلم في كلمتين ـ لا ادري"